2022/06/18 English

Truman Capote declared that “I'm an alcoholic. I'm a drug addict. I'm homosexual. I'm a genius”. TBH once I had thought that I might be a genius so I had to live this difficult life and become an alcoholic. The ecstasy and anxiety of being chosen, these two are in me... today I played with this idea at lunchtime. I might be a genius... but this idea didn't suit me. Yes, I am not a genius.

Once a Japanese comedian Hitoshi Matsumoto had kept writing the aggressive columns for a weekly magazine to seek his ideal comedy. It caused a few troubles. Or I can remember that Yoshinori Kobayashi, a Japanese manga artist expressed the "Gomanism Declaration" and said he was a genius... I believe that these two artists have done great work in their lives and therefore they can be called geniuses (I am honest). But I also think that it must be troublesome to live and show their talent to the world as much as they can. I can't live with the pressure of being proud of myself. I can live just as a tiny citizen and that's my life.

I started reading Akira Abe's "A simple life". This novel has the concept of writing his middle-aged (the same age as me) reflection modestly and his ordinary daily life as a writer steadily. I have read this three times and found that it has no wasted parts. Once I had been into extraordinary content (fantasy or science-fiction) as light novels, Haruki Murakami's and Ryu Murakami's novels. But recently I have been attracted by the novels which describe ordinary life with extraordinary style. By the way, I talked to the staff of my group home and learned that she reads Yiyun Li. I have never read Yiyun Li so I want to try to read her.

I remember... I have wanted to stand by the ordinary or snob side of the world (this might sound too bold). I have been attracted by Fishmans's and Kenji Ozawa's music because they express this 'ordinary' aspect of the world. For the same reasons, I have been attracted by Kazushi Hosaka's and Toshiyuki Horie's novels. And probably Osamu Hashimoto's opinions are based on this philosophy I believe. I am now breathing and alive. This happiness... the moment which never comes back. Now. I am living now. Ah, once I had been ashamed of being born in this world. But now I am (trying) making philosophy of saying yes to this world. This might be one of the essences of the world.