BGM: Fishmans - いかれたBaby
I worked late today. This morning, reading a collection of philosophical essays by a favorite author of mine Kazushi Hosaka (保坂和志『言葉の外へ』,) I've thought this. Can I write my own thing as a kind of novel? Although I can see it is impossible, I tend to dream that when I read Hosaka's various works. Once, when I was in my 30s, I tried to write my novel as a trial. It was really a cheap, banal, barren fiction (about a girl who can't stop hurting herself with cutting her arm.) Now, I dream how I can write my novel by any other ways/methods.
Once, I had dreamed to become a novelist. When I was in my teenage period, I already had dreamed that one. But, I had not been able to write anything. Maybe I had a huge fear about writing my own ones. I had not had any self-esteem/pride about myself therefore I couldn't endure other peoples' honest disclaim or critical opinions. So I had to wait for the first inspiration at my 30s.
After that first novel of mine, I tried to keep on writing. Even though I had not experienced any romance, I tried to imagine sweet love affair and write that delusion onto a paper. Though it was a creative time, I couldn't have felt it was good. Maybe because I could felt that I had been making lies to me definitely.
Now, I have been writing my journal, and also sometimes writing philosophical essays. I can write my honest opinions without making lies (but I hide various things which I judged as too private.) I think it is really enigmatic to find out many readers read my graffiti/scribbles because I don't try to write any "pop", "attractive" ones. I just write about this naked self. C'est la vie.
Today, I did the meeting about the contract at my workplace. I can't believe this. Once, when I had tried to use the system of job coaches, my bosses hadn't allowed my will. But, the situation has been eventually changing. When I had been a heavy drinker, I had lost all hopes in me (Yes, I had believed that I was a loser.) But... Now, I can feel that I can change the world certainly.