This morning I started reading Masahiko Shimada's "When you were heresy" (島田雅彦 "君が異端だった頃"). The more I followed the story eventually, the more I dived into my teenage days deeper. It hasn't been funny for me (at least, it doesn't have any worth as Shimada's pretty interesting story). At my teenage days, I had already disappointed at this life, and this world. I can remember that.
Once I had tried to write my youth novel as this Shimada's novel or Haruki Murakami's masterpieces, but I couldn't. Probably, for me, that period has kept really hurtful taste. At that period, I had even tried to write something as my original novel. But it couldn't last longer. I remember... my high school had a small literature club for creative writing, but I just had read books a lot. Haruki Murakami, Paul Auster, and more.
At that period, if I had lived in Tokyo, what would have happened to me? How would this barren life have been changed? It was "before the internet era". I couldn't have imagined that this world would start showing this kind of "universal", "global" face/aspect. I had adored that I could listen to any foreign music freely, like I have been doing on Spotify.
A kind of anger had been in me. Enormous anger... Why could my parents endure this banal countryside city? I wanted to blame them. The situation was really "irrational" for me. Now I can accept that this city is the place to enjoy staying for me.
Did I try to write something as my inspiration whispered at that era? I can't remember. I just had read books... I hadn't own any courage to write something as drafts. When I was 33, I tried to write my first novel (a short novel). After that, I tried to write my original novels. But they were just crap for me even though I had written them.
And... I remember the Gulf War. That war had trained me a lot to think about the world politic. What has been changed through these 30 years? It seems nothing has been changed.