BGM: Yukihiro Takahashi - BLUE MOON BLUE
It was a day off today. I went to the library to borrow some books (For example, Antonio Damacio, Michael Gazzaniga, Shinsuke Shimojo etc.) After that, I went to AEON as usual and start writing my English memo as usual. Oh my goodness! Why do I read such really difficult books? How hard I try to study something by reading them, I wouldn't be able to become any good "professor" (I could never become any great, diligent student/disciple.) But, as my curiosity/inner voice says that "it" wants to read them. So I try to dive into the great pond of Damacio's profound theories of brain science.
Yes, those books are about our brains - and I'm now thinking about how I can tell/explain this enigmatic, and sometimes really troublesome, mechanism to others. For example, why/how my brain enables me to write this kind of English memo/articles even though I rarely use it in my daily life? Why have I been attracted by really weird music as Mouse On Mars and Oval? What is the main essence/ultimate core of this truly complicated mind? I answer - those are really beyond my understanding. I just do what I want, and that's all. In a way, I am so "simple", "animal-like". Or I should say that I am still a kid - or a baby.
Nowadays, I try to think about the lovely concept "autism" again... How does it work for me? Once, this concept must have been the only way, the last hope for me to get out of that difficult state. When I had been in a truly difficult/troublesome situation, I tried to learn about that "autism" to live an easier life. "It must be because I have been autistic!", that's the idea which had haunted me. I even kept on declaring that fact in public (I even showed how much my IQ was!)
Now I eventually have got this idea - those characters as "reading difficult books", "being autistic" are "pieces" of my identity. In other words, I can be described by those "multiple" essences. My mind is in a say like a chaotic source which can product various things - in a way, it can be a really deep, infinitely deep sea like Carl Jung tells.
