BGM: Peter Gabriel - Biko
I worked late today. This morning I've read Amin Maalouf's book (アミン・マアルーフ『アイデンティティが人を殺す』.) In this book, Amin is trying to tell how a person can have many aspects/essences in one mind. For example, I can have these essences. I am male, autistic, kind of "pervert", a bookworm, Japanese, etc. Therefore, I can't describe myself by using only one identity. Yes, it is a really impressive reading experience.
I remember - once, when I was in my youthful days, I had been in a really confused, messed state of mind. I had been haunted by an idea of [censored] myself like Kurt Cobain. I tried to find out why I must have been living in this difficult, cursed life. I looked for various books to find out the source of this difficulty. I learned various things bit by bit... I once thought that I must be an adult children, a kind of personality disorder, a victim of trauma.
And... Finally, I found out the great word "autism" by a female friend of mine's suggestion. Indeed, that keyword/term helped me a lot to find out why I have been living in this life well. But, it also worked me to start having a thought that says "I am autistic, therefore I must be a miserable, ultimately unhappy guy." In a way, I had been caught in a mind jail.
And, time has passed - Now I'm thinking like this. "Autistic" is for me a kind of "a piece" of my identity. Although I can't deny this fact when I live this life, I shouldn't be dominated/controlled by this kind of fact as an ultimate ideology. I can have multiple, complicated factors/essences in myself, therefore I am like a soup.
It seems that my life is really enigmatic, and really unfair - how much I work for others, or how much I learn many thing as hard as I can, it often ends as a irrational result. Therefore I tend to find out any order in this complicated situation. So, "autism" was once a keyword for me which would enable me to live a happier life. But now, I want to accept/gaze this chaotic world as it is straightly, as honestly as I can.