BGM: Tears For Fears - Shout
Today I worked early. At lunchtime, I remembered my life itself. In short, my life is strictly connected with the label "autism". I have been lived a troublesome life because of this autism. Therefore, that autism were connected with my identity strongly, and I believed that "because I am autistic, I am unhappy", and also "autistic people must be treated as useless" strictly. Yes, now I can say I was really an idiot clearly. Now I think that autism is one of many personality in myself. In me, there are many essences of my identity. I am a man who loves a woman (in other words, I'm heterosexual), and a Japanese, and also a fan of Haruki Murakami... I don't need to shoulder the label autism. Indeed, I have many troubles because of this autism, but it is also foolish that living this life with that kind of "black or white" thinking.
In 2007, I did a test for checking if I was autistic, and learned how much my IQ could be. I don't want to declare how much it was, but I thought deeply as "the world can be unfair", and also "my life shouldn't be blown by this number of IQ only". Today, a person I know (he says he is "gifted") said that "making the society high IQ people can live happily", and it let me down. I believe that it can be really cruel that judging people by the number of IQ (because it is just a number of every person). At least, I can't see how different this kind of judgement of treating IQ too preciously (and praising high IQ people as amazing) and the notorious "eugenic thought" which had been used as the tool of discrimination (we should see that the action of judging some people as amazing can also be the action of judging the rest of them as less amazing).
I am never smart. At least, I believe that I don't rely on my smartness when I think or feel about something. I think the speed of reacting never be the meaning of smartness. I can do mistakes because I am not Artificial Intelligence. I can think wrong ideas. It is the meaning of the fact I am a human being. I believe humanity from the fact that I am only a human being. One of the differences between Artificial Intelligence and I can be the tenderness based on that humanity (I think I know that how the word "I am tender" can sound proudful and also foolish)... these were the things I thought through Twitter. I believe the humanity I have built by all of the past, and try to be honest to myself. Not being afraid of making mistakes, confessing my opinion. I wanted to do that.
After today's work, I went back to my group home. Today I couldn't read any books (just read Keizo Hino's short stories and essays). Maybe I had thought about the things I wrote above deeply. Enjoying Brian Eno and Yutaka Hirose... Reading the essay about Brian Eno by Keizo Hino, I learned that Hino writes about J.G.Ballard. I never read Ballard's "The Crystal World". A lot of books are still what I have never read... but how long I can live? I can't see. How many times I can watch such beautiful sakura flowers? Indeed, it is still too early. But it is natural that my life is already in a halfway (turning point), so I should live the rest of my life elegantly with using the things I have learned. This idea tells me that my life is really well-made. Until now, I did practice. So from now I will do practical action. I am not gifted, but walk my way.
