BGM: GREAT3 - サンチャイルドは僕の友達
I worked late today. This morning I started reading Eimi Yamada's essay (山田詠美『私のことだま漂流記』.) And I found that this book has afforded me various clues which make me really excited. She writes that she had survived her terrible childhood (for example, actually she had been bullied at schools etc.) by reading many books. For her, reading could be a way to go to another imaginary, wonderful places. Meanwhile - how about my case?
Indeed, I have read many books through this life. I remember - once I had a huge hole in my mind. It can be called as the "inferiority complex." Therefore, somewhere in this mind, I had kept a certain bias/dogma that lets me think that I need to read more than other people do. Read, read, read! Because I must be a complete/absolute dumb. In a way, by reading a lot, I wanted to defeat someone else. I can even say that I was like a machine which reads so many. Yes, a literate, diligent "pretty hate machine".
Machine - yes, I adored to be like a machine which can never feel any emotion, any passion anymore. No desire or no worries - just being soaked into my interest as a programmed subject. That's the stage I adored. Of course, now I have a completely different point of view in me which lets me go along with the brand new direction. Now I want to share our knowledges each other for a certain pure pleasure - and I notice that I have been changed by various events.
Maybe once (or STILL) I've been a kind of victim by an old point of view. People around me tended to say "Be strong, get tough!". And I tried to accept these rants literally to get stronger like a machine. Therefore, I even tried to kill the inner human emotion by drinking a lot. Alcohol used to kill my human essence practically, and made me numb. I believed that alcohol set my inner fire more and more - and now, I've found out that it must be a WASTE of time and money.
But then, why do I read so many books? It can mean I have been doing training my inner toughness?