BGM: Underworld - Stagger
It was a day off. With Pete Namlook's ambient bangers, this morning I read a great Japanese conservative ideologist, Susumu Nishibe's book "The Man Who Tried To Be A Fascist (西部邁『ファシスタたらんとした者』)". I noticed/found that this author must have really keen eyes/senses in his head, and therefore he couldn't have endured facing how foolish/hypocritical the adults around him had seemed to be. It reminds me of my childhood.
Once I had been treated as a strange, and almost crazy child because of my autism (when I was a kid, the concept "autism" couldn't be any "hot" concept for us). Therefore I had to live a tough period. Now I'm being surprised because Nishibe and I can be the same kind of people (I mean we can be "stray ones" or "barbarians" in any normal, sophisticated crowds), even though I have been one of the ultraleft daydreamers and Nishibe has been a conservative, right-wing one.
Comparing with my case/life with Nishibe's, it would tell us how that kind of strange, lonely people (I even try to describe us as "aliens") have to find their own identities to become "true", "mature" adults. As I said, once I had been a leftist. What if I had been soaked into any "cults"?
As I had written in this journal, I have still had my low self-esteem. A certain weakness, an addictive mind - and it can need any "huge", "sublime" ideologies. Therefore it could be any "delusive", "destructive" cultism. Even now, I find some dangerous thoughts my mind. TBH I have been attracted by alcohol (so I have been quitting drinking it for 8 years), and also some kinds of porn, shopping too much, etc.
Although I can understand why Nishibe had to choose suicide (I never trust any great happy end by our self decisions of our lives), and although we might be able to defeat his opinions by any "modern" ideas/logics, I accept his opinions as the one which has come from a great resource from Japanese tradition. I will read his works step by step.
