BGM: Polaris - 季節
I have loved pop music since I was a kid. When I was a high school student, I wanted to share my taste so joined a broadcasting club once. But my taste wasn't accepted by the other members. At that time, the cool musicians were George Michael, Phil Collins, etc. I had never listened to them so our tastes were completely different. And my taste was denied so I quit that club. I decided to pretend to act dead in the corner of a classroom until I left the school. As I wrote this once, I closed my mind because I thought I never needed any friends. I just went into the sea of books like Haruki Murakami, Banana Yoshimoto, Masahiko Shimada, etc. I was just such a great idiot.
Today I worked late. This morning I tried to read a book as usual, but I couldn't so just read Hitoshi Nagai and Kazuhiro Uchida's "Philosophical dialogues for children" randomly. In this book, Nagai writes "You are OK even though no one understands you". When I read this part for the first time as a college student, I was really impressed by this. No one understands me, but so what? I need no friends and I would live as a heresy... I read this part like this and chose to live my life alone. But now, I think that it must be wrong, or at least, it's a sad life. Now I think I need some friends. As an autistic person, I have kept on thinking about how living as an individual would be so I started thinking like that.
Now I read Hitoshi Nagai's writing like this. In short, being understood is important. Committing to others is really important... so I have a different opinion from Nagai. But I shouldn't sell my soul and open myself too much. I shouldn't give the important thing in myself to others... or I have to admit that I can't live such a life. Probably I might understand that I am just a freak, a heresy, a strange person. But that strangeness must be unique. Real friendship is between such a unique person to person. Having a unique individual personality is important, and it would bring me true friendships... once I misunderstood that and made many enemies. It was a hard time. Now I have many friends. What a comical life! I have always been a heresy.
This evening I learned that Kunio Suzuki had passed away. Once I was a fan of Yoshinori Kobayashi's manga. I learned Kunio Suzuki's opinions in that manga. When I was a college student, I read his columns in weekly magazines and was impressed by his personality and tenderness. I wrote my columns about the scenery of Waseda and sent them to Suzuki. Oh my gosh! I was really young. But Suzuki sent me a tender response to me and it impressed me again. I hope he read my bad writings with a smile... I would live my life as a poor leftist, but I want to follow Susuki's brave and soft attitude. I pray for him. RIP.