BGM: Boards Of Canada - Happy Cycling
Today was a day off, and I went to AEON this morning. There, I read Shinji Aoyama's diary more. Suddenly I thought that I had never bought the refill of 2023 for my "system note", so I went to a bookstore to buy it. However, I had to face the fact that I wouldn't use these refills the next year because I use my smartphone to manage my schedule. I have to think about the real fact that even I have not used this year's refills at all. We Japanese say that the plan we make on new year's day rules the year itself, but I even think that from now I want to use the refills of 2023 fully.
I had an idea that I might have to face my essence of "hentai". The dirty, creepy desire in me... once I believed strictly that the nature of human beings was inside that kind of dirty desire. Everyone must have such a dirty desire so they must be wicked. Basically, people are like coaks, and they try to show them as precious diamonds... But now, even if people were really dirty, they show them as precious things, and that kind of trial of pretending and decorating means "pride" or "gentleness" I think. Showing our nature clearly is just a silly action, but I admit that I have a strong desire even if I won't show them clearly.
Listening to Momus's music of "Voyager" and "Timelord", who was once an influencer for me in my youthful days, I kept on reading Shinji Aoyama's diary. And at last, spending whole a day completely, I read it all at night. What a great reading! The closer he got nearby his death, the more his thought became sharp. I guess that he has gotten a kind of "eternity" by writing this book. Just like a record in Kiyoshi Kurosawa's "Cure", this book became media. It would become a precious heritage to deliver his will to the coming readers. I feel interested in that imagination. His life goes on...
This evening I went to the "danshu" meeting. The last meeting this year. I learned about dementia today, and the teacher taught us that it is important not to change the situation drastically and quickly, and also to treat people's dignity who have troubles seriously with care. They are almost the same as the ideal attitude for autistic people I guess. If we face carefully to dementia or autism, we can solve some troubles clearly. I should add addiction to there, I am alcohol addicted, but currently, I can keep on self-caring and facing it. So I feel really thankful for the people who provide this kind of self-caring place as the "danshu" meeting, and the fact that I can connect myself to that. Ah, I could have kept on staying sober whole a year, therefore it means a great year for me.
