Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/12/29 English

BGM: Rodriguez "Crucify Your Mind"

I'm still reading Yoshikichi Furui's "Karioujyouden Shibun". In this busy season, the person who reads such a book must be me only even if Japan is a large country... If I get bored of it, I read "The Song of Grey Hair". These books describe various death of various people. It also tells the life itself from that point. Normally, if we live more and more, death comes closer and closer. If so, we should think more deeply as we live more. Then, without turning our face away, looking at that death and keeping on living is a great way of spending time. After reading these books, I want to read "Shirowada" again. Of course, I want to read the rest of "Gödel, Escher, Bach".

It is needless to say but I am not a genius. Just an ordinary man. In other words, this world is wide enough to swallow a person like me. I had been treated as a strange or mad man for a long time so I might think that "I am a gifted, chosen man". It was Verlaine? The person who said, "The ecstasy and anxiety of being chosen, the both is inside me" (I learned this quote from Osamu Dazai's novel). But once it started, I found that I was a person who doesn't have talents. And it might be good. Being ordinary and put in this world is great enough.

Looking at the true size of myself, living the life with natural myself... once I denied that. I wanted to be a special, popular person... so I did foolish things on the internet. But now some people accept the true me, so I started having confidence in myself and loving it. Graduating from Waseda was once a burden for me, but now I think it was the important thing for me. But I never want to go back to that era. Now I have a lot of wonderful friends and that is happy for me.

Ah... I had believed that I have a special talent but this world didn't care about it... they never gave me money or honor... I strictly thought like that once. Yes, stupid days... even if the situation is not good, I should do the things I have to do without a rotten mind. Then, it would give me something (they might not money or honor). There is the thing that effort will bring to us. I thought like that today with singing Rodriguez's song "Sugar Man". I might have to watch the documentary "Searching For Sugar Man", which is a masterpiece about this strange and splendid singer-songwriter.