2021/12/18 BGM: Dead Can Dance "The Carnival Is Over"
Snow had fallen. The morning I found the slightly snowy scenery from the windows of my group home. I remember my past. When I was a heavy drinker, I drank a lot of alcohol as watching the snow and tasting its beauty... I could no beauty because I always got drunk and slept at last. What silly behavior! Now I'm reading the novel "Time with Atsushi Mori", which is a history of a legendary Japanese writer Atsushi Mori. I think that this winter I might read that Atsushi Mori's novels as "Gatsuzan" or "Like the deads" with snow scenery. Of course, I won't drink. Or Syu Fujisawa's novels might be good with snow.
If I got tired of that "Time WIth Atsushi Mori", I read Fernando Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet" again. Reading Pessoa's this masterpiece, I think that there can be the handicap of having too high intelligence. They have tired of things they see in their life, but they can't forgive living on... that kind of life can be. If I feel the great works like this, I believe that I might be able to write mine. If I wrote, the title might be "Dead Can Dance"? Yes, it is a silly idea...
Am I satisfied with this life? Or am I satisfied with myself? Of course, I want more money. This might sound very rude but I could get more "love". I also have various things I want to have. But now, I can write freely and post smoothly. I think I am satisfied with that and think "now is good". It's quite different from the past. Once I couldn't be satisfied with whatever I wrote and said to others as "Look at me! Praise me!". I had such a strong desire of being praised, and also material success itself.
Writing my novel... why do I think that kind of idea? Now I write a journal and that's enough, isn't that? And it can be ended as nonsense or crap anyway. Or, if I wrote, it couldn't become the same quality as Kenzaburo Oe or Yoshikichi Furui, who are the writers I respect. But in myself, I still can't forgive writing something. Then, I should write even if it could end as an amateur's playing. Today, a girlfriend of mine told me that she will move to Kyoto on LINE message. She is as same old as mine but she still fights to create her future. I touched that energy and thought I wanted to climb as high as I can, like Atsushi Mori who got his masterpiece at over 60 years old.