Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/10/21 English

Once Hisao Nakai, a great Japanese psychiatrist, was asked a question "Why shouldn't we kill others?". He answered this. "It means erasing one universe". I remember it. I can't see if this answer could be the "checkmate" to stop murder. But at least this answer represents a person having one universe or a personality. Therefore "everyone", all of us is precious. I learned this truth from Nakai's words. There is a universe in a person...we can say that our existence is already a profound mystery. I spent the time thinking this before starting my work.

I read Twitter after a long time and found an opinion, that says the Twitterer feels something uncomfortable when she is said "Your English is well" by native people. Some people say my English is also good. I accept the things people give me straightly (too straightly... because of my autism?). So I can't read the extra things of these praises. But how I learn English so hard, I still must have some differences as "learners English" from native speakers. That should be called a "uniqueness". I love my awkward, strange, formal, and unique English (the clue to use English well might be how the speaker loves himself/herself and his/her English... I guess).

I've read Fernando Pessoa's "The Book of Disquiet". Once I heard that Heidegger said the existence itself can be the source of boredom via Keiichiro Kokubun's book ("I'm alive... therefore I am bored"). Pessoa was also an intelligent person and therefore felt a certain pain and boredom in his life itself (now we might be able to call the person like him a "Highly Sensitive Person"). The proses which are written from his life are difficult. But this book is full of the words which grip our hearts. I have been here now with becoming sicker by my real life so I think expressing that difficulty/handicap of mine straightly.

I remember... I wished I could be a pro writer. I tried to write "trendy" love stories even if I had not experienced what love was. Yes, it ends in vain. I wrote a "fake" and that's all... Now if I try to write my ideas as novels, it doesn't become a love story or other entertainment. Ah, I wish I could become a popular writer like Keigo Higashino... but it was just a dream. I started writing letters to Marco, the main character of "Moon Palace" by Paul Auster as a novel. I have no extra vitality so I can't produce a Japanese version. I heard that there are some readers who even use Google translation to read my English, so I feel sorry for it.