Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/08/27 English

The morning I talked with a person about how I will use job supporters at my office. The person showed sadness about the fact we can't use that system and therefore the situation is not good for us. Sadness... I'm glad to know that she is thinking about this issue so seriously. Just for me... so I thought I wasn't alone. But we won't give up. We still think about how autistic people can work and build themselves. Even I wasn't expecting that I would think about autism and confess to outside. How will the situation change?

I chatted with foreign people. He(she?) asked me that what Japanese books(in other words, books written in Japanese) are easy to read also interesting. I recommended Yoshio Kataoka and Takashi Hiraide(about the latter, I will recommend the proses "To Donald Evans by postcards(葉書でドナルド・エヴァンズに)". I feel thankful for sharing my knowledge like this. When I was a child who already had experienced being bullied by classmates, "the books" are my only friend in the world. "The books" were only my precious friends who didn't laugh at me and did listen to me carefully. A teacher had said that I tried to escape from everything and run away into the books. Indeed... but I can't see why we shouldn't run away from something.

In the work, I can't control the situation with my tricky head. What will happen the next time? I can't see. If I tried to solve everything by my head only, my head would go out of order and the situation would become messed up. So, not thinking too much might bring good results. Every moment, I do the things that my hanch tells me to do. Every time, I move with the hanch's voice as Jazz musitians trust their fingers and do jam sessions. Just follow the hanch and follow it, and keep on working. "Thinking so-so" is a precious keyword. Let the situation rule everything. I should give up controlling everything.

Ah... once I hated the fact I'm existing in this world. I was embarrassed. I wanted to delete myself... so I drank a lot of alcohol and thrown my life away. No hope. Just for eating meals, for being alive, for not dying... I believed that the death by alcohol would be sublime. Now I'm trying to create my future at this moment without alcohol. The future will be made by the current decision. And we have the right to dream even if we are not young. Then, how can I make my future?