I've read Paul Auster's "Winter Journal". He thinks about himself like this. Now he is 64 years old and he lives in the winter season of his life. He looks back and writes this book as a kind of autobiography or essay. His struggle with his mother is interesting to me because he used to write about the complicated relationship with his father. In "Winter Journal", he writes about the death of his mother and the separation from the person he had loved with decent style. By translation by Motoyuki Shibata, I feel the serious impression.
Recently I had read J.G.Ballard's autobiography "Miracles Of Life". Maybe because of it, I think about the mothers themselves who Auster and Ballard write about. I also can't make a good relationship with my mother. Once I thought that my mother's life has been messed up by the birth of myself. Or I believed that she cared or loved me too much so she couldn't separate herself from me. Now I am trying to separate myself from my parents by living in my group home but I still can't be her good son. I won't hate her so I don't know why.
I borrowed the books by Akira Abe. Especially I wanted to read "A Simple life". This author is treated as a person of "the generation of introspection". He doesn't write political messages but writes the happiness of citizens. I think we should treat the citizen's happiness as a precious thing. Once I believed that material successes or becoming big was true happiness. But I was wrong. Now I feel happy and this must be real... I believe so (even if I am not a big person and also a rich man).
Maybe because I thought so, I felt impressed when I watched the movie "Mousewashing by sweet liquor". This movie describes 40 years old woman's quiet life and love. This movie doesn't have any thrilling drama. She just tries to live a charming life by using her wisdom. I didn't know about this movie well but I thought this was a great one. Once I thought that getting old or living this life must have no meaning. Just I shouldn't die so I have to keep on living this shit life... I believed so. Why? Why did I think so? Great movies knock the core of my heart/mind and make me think various things.