Back To Life

Back To Reality

2022/04/13 English

I've watched the Netflix original documentary "The Andy Warhol Diaries" until the fourth episode. I thought that Andy Warhol might not be a genius. Of course, he was a talented person and could make various masterpieces. But in my opinion, he was a person who goes his own way to do his own art seriously, not a person who surprises us with his strange or weird acts. This documentary is attractive in its approach to his life as an explorer. But it is a little bit boring because it is based on his plain diaries.

I read Saburo Kawamoto's "Japanese movies revisited". I use stupid words intentionally. This critique is for the 'women and children' I guess. In other words, he watches the weak people and criticizes the movies. Touching on past movies, he describes how such 'women and children' were hurt by the war, and also how they survived. So his writings have love and warmth. His attitude which stands by weak people is, of course, great itself. Even if his writings don't hurt our minds but we can't treat them easily (and he also writes about the men as weak because they were hurt by the war).

Today I had depression. I started reading Shinji Aoyama's "Turtles in Takaragaike don't sink" and thought that such a big artist as Shinji Aoyama must die in the end (at least, his great masterpiece "Eureka" has still its brilliance for me). And I will die. What have I achieved in this life? I have never left anything like a poem. Oh, what was this life? I remember that a movie by Hirokazu Koreeda has a scene in which a character says to herself "Where did I do a mistake in this life?". But life still goes on. So I will live. As the Beatles sings in their "Let It Be", I let myself be.

Let myself be. Yes, this must sound terrible but TBH sometimes I think that "I would die if this suffering lasts". I can remember the drunken days with the belief that my life has no meaning and value. Once, I was alone during that period. Now I have parents and friends. But this terrible and harmful idea sometimes haunts me. I can't separate myself from the idea of wishing for death. I should listen to Tom Waits and feel sadness intentionally. Yes, listening to Tom Waits and Lou Reed, I must say to myself that I don't have to feel any sins to be alive in my life. Don't hurry or push yourself.