Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/08/08 English

Weather reports say that a typhoon is coming. Maybe because of it, I couldn't watch "THIS IS US" or "Dear White People" as I always do. So I spent my time reading Jinichi Uekusa's "I like walking and miscellaneous knowledge" and had done anything else. I think this is me. Favorite books, music, movies, and also the connections I make my friends on LINE or WhatsApp. I can connect myself to the world slightly. I would be a hikikomori but now I can live like this because I have such items and friends.

The night I've watched Andrei Tarkovsky's "Ivanovo Detstvo". I know the opinions which say that Tarkovsky's movies are quite sleepy but I could watch this movie without sleeping. As the title says, a boy soldier watches the battlefield and thinks various things. The sweetness of childhood... this movie seems to tell that. I think that Tarkovsky is a poet who shows us how our memories work. In his movies, he tells us the sweetness of memories and the importance of living on as adults who owe these memories.

But... what is the past? I was bullied when I was a child and I spent my youth days as a student of Waseda. It was a precious experience but not a happy period. I had lived hard days and could get nothing. Now I think I'm happy. I can do what I want and I don't have to get sick because of my trauma. Yes, I can live "now"... I don't think that Waseda's days were the highest in my life. I don't want to live the past days and throw "now" away. "Now" is the best.

But, looking back at the past, I might think that living "now" is thinking nothing for the future. Just simply, it was good if I could live every day happily... then I had drunk alcohol and slept and that was the end. I had spent my 20s and 30s like that so I don't have these periods' memories. They might be good days but I can't remember. "Now" is good. I always burned my journal away at the end because I couldn't love the past days... and also I couldn't love myself. Now I can allow myself, that is happiness for me.