I have been writing this journal since the May of last year. Almost a year has passed. Could I make any progress? I think. It seems that I am always writing the same thing. Is this a kind of mannerism? Yes, the same thing... Being bullied when I was a child, and also being treated as a mad person anywhere I went. These bad memories still cursed me so I feel pity. Yes, I also joined in current company and couldn't work well so I tried to end this life. I can't run away from that past. Or I should say that I am starting from that past.
This life is never cool. Very far from any success stories. But I'm trying to accept that kind of negative thing. I should start from now even if I am just a crazy person in my company or I am always a broke and not a beloved person. Ah, I wrote the same thing again. When can I stop writing such miserable memories? Or the same decision of starting my life from now. I write again and again. It might take a long time that starts another love or such beautiful events.
Today I worked early. During afternoon break I thought about those things of my days. The life until now and from now. I thought if I could grow up and also had a thought that I should look back (not in anger). I started reading Matthew Collins's "Altered States". This book records the movement of the connection between music and dance music in England. It's impressive difficult writing. Yes, once I kept on having a drug which was named Japanese sake (alcohol). Now I won't have any sake. I can get 'drunk' even if I am sober.
Ah, such an uncool life. Once I couldn't accept this life like mine, so I blamed everything outside of myself as crying for the moon. I blamed politics or the age. I won't do so. Yes, I won't say that blaming politics or the age is any waste of time, but I want to be the main character of my life. I want to protest from that point. I want to accept my work as my mission and also watch and read in my free time to grow myself up. I want to keep on such things. Yes, that might make this life cooler.