Today was a fine day. As I wrote, if the weather is fine I remember the days I had lived as a heavy drinker. I can't drive a car because of autism, so if the weather is fine, the day ordinary people enjoy driving or outdoor activities, I could go nowhere and just drank alcohol at my home alone. I thought I should not be born and I even wished dying by alcohol. I cursed this world and myself. Ah, terrible days... so I don't have any youthful memories. I don't have the 20s and 30s memories which must be most pleasant in my life. I can't remember what I did.
A friend of mine had experienced a hikikomori period over 10 years. Now he ended a hikikomori period and does the activities to help the people who are suffering as hikikomori and their families. He does speeches for audiences and also makes a "virtual place" on ZOOM. Learning about those activities, I feel I get power from him. What do I do as something great? Of course, I have not to say myself badly. But all I do is just to live as I want... People say that "It's OK".
I started reading Koutarou Sawaki's "The world is full of unused lives". This is a collection of essays about various movies. Sawaki says that our life has the "unused life". The possibility we didn't choose or the way we didn't go. If I went that way... where was the way my life had changed? When I went to Waseda? No. I tried to find a place to talk about autism in this city, and I googled and found the ancient cafe. I called there... that time my life had changed. If I didn't call, what happened in my life?
Now I feel I'm satisfied. I like myself and my life itself. But this means I have no ambition. I don't have any desire to go upper or climb to the top. But claiming to the top isn't the way we should go. Can I live this life? I should make a purpose or get licenses? I worry so. But now I live as I want and am satisfied. That's me. I will get older with Kafuu Nagai's "Bokutou Kitan" or "Hiyori Geta". That's my life...