2023/01/23 English

BGM: SHERBETS - シベリア

This morning I felt a slight fever which says 37.0. Certainly, it's a little bit high for me. Luckily, today was a day off so I decided to stay calm. In the morning time, a person came to my group home to do the monitoring. I talked about various things. After that, I lay on the bed and slept well. During I was awake, I spent my time reading Kazushi Hosaka's "Memories of Seasons"... writing like this, suddenly thought that my style of writing this diary has changed certainly. Once I wrote this kind of "web diary”, but I got bored of that so stopped soon. I just thought that I wanted to write a diary because "writing a diary is cool", so I didn't think that I seriously wanted to do so. Now I can write this diary for my friends, and of course, for me.

It was when I was a college student. I met Kazushi Hosaka's novel for the first time. I remember it would be "Plainsong". It impressed me so I have followed his works since then. When I was a college student, this might sound so old but I was in Peter Pan syndrome so got feard to be an adult. Is there a company that hires this kind of mad person like me? If I could join that company, I might work so hard that I would die... and after that period, I went back to this town and started working in the current company. I never want to forget the fact that I have been embraced by the adults in Hosaka's novels. I just climbed the stairway to be an adult step by step being empowered by various pitiable but strong adults. They (and I) are poor but stay dutiful for ourselves. I feel thankful for him.

I read "Memories of Seasons" and thought that was a really profound one. He writes a lot of philosophical things in that novel, but also tries to describe the greenery of Kamakura. They are in this one, unique world in the novel. The place I live is also the countryside which has rich greenery, so I thought that I would try to walk outside and "watch" it. I would live my whole life within Wittgenstein's thoughts poorly, but Wittgenstein was the person who said how the action of "watching" was important I guess. "Watching " is certainly difficult so I have to "watch" the world without thinking it was just already known to me.

I found an interesting diary on Kakuyomu, that tells me the author is reading Hideo Kobayashi, a Japanese legendary critic. I have never read Hideo Kobayashi so will try to read him. I choose "The clue of thoughts". Like this, I meet unknown books and learn unknown things, and that changes "my world". Using the book "A Life and Contingency" by Kenichiro Mogi, I can describe that I am in a large flow. I sometimes throw myself into that large flow, bigger than me. I can see how it would change me or the world. Hideo Kobayashi might not suit me. But I live guided by the voices in me. I have lived like that by now. I never think too much because it would make my brain "overheat". Everything will flow.

2023/01/22 English

BGM: フィッシュマンズ - いかれたBaby

Today was a day off. This morning I went to AEON and thought about various things as usual. I can remember this now. When I started attending the "danshu" meeting, a member said, "your eyes were dead when we met for the first time". I can understand it because I couldn't stop alcohol once when I was a fresh member. I had to stop it entirely and seek a brand new life of mine. In short, I lost the fuel or amulet of life, and it means that I lost the inner power to live forward my life. Like Souseki Natsume writes in his novel, Once I was really a "stray sheep". But I trusted the older members who go forward. I just looked at their backs... Now I can find another inner power. That's life.

Today I went to Yamasaki Sports Center to get vaccinated for the fifth time (it was Pfizer. I didn't choose it but I have gotten Pfizer every time). I can't drive a car so used a bus to arrive at the place. The bus moved as the schedule says so I went there smoothly and got it without any trouble. This smooth process is based on the workers there, so I feel thankful for the essential workers, and also the staff from the city office (some of them were the ones I already know because of the "danshu" meeting). Returning to my town, I bought my lunch at AEON. Tomorrow is also a day off so I want to relax.

Suddenly, I imagined whether the people who can't stop alcohol as the past me or the people who have serious trouble reading. I have no comment for them because their life is basically theirs. My comment would be irresponsible. I never say like "never drink anymore". If you can save drinking it so-so, and you allow your health would get harmed, then you can drink within your responsibility. But I... I was the person who made my life complete scrap. From that regret, I want to live my life more active and happier. In the 20s and 30s, the period I could "sew the seeds in my life", I just drank a lot. What a ridiculous life. Now I have no memory to remember and enjoy.

I read Hitoshi Nagai's "Summer holidays of Shota and the cat Insight". A really, truly profound one. About how different the real and dream would be, the fact that I'm here, communication, how death is... every problem in this book is the heritages from ancient and traditional philosophy, and the author tries to tell us the greatness of these problems directly to children, the true readers. If I met this book in my teenage days, I would think about learning philosophy seriously at a university. But now is not late for me I believe. I want to think about the problems I have had since my childhood, not trying to copy Nagai's theories (although copying someone's idea would be a good lesson). By the way, how thrilling this book's conversations are!

2023/01/21 English

BGM: くるり - World's End Supernova

Although I always do this... I was in a nightmare when I was a student. I couldn't make a friend there. I even was treated as a mad person so gave up everything. I stayed alone and read books, or enjoy music. Just live as a zombie. A Japanese famous singer Yutaka Ozaki sings protest songs. In them, an outsider in a classroom resists mass education and tries to find freedom. Of course, it is a great point of view. But, as a student, I felt depressed because of the "peer pressure" on students who were certainly controlled by schools. Students controlled by schools are the ones who control weak students.

The attitude that declares "We are controlled!" accuses schools' lies of mass education. I guess that it would be the one which "we are controlled and repressed by them 'therefore' we are correct". Judging that we are repressed would lead to the attitude of sharpening our activities, and the attitude of believing we are correct would be to blindness... I often see that kind of blindness on Twitter. Yes, it is because I'm mad and that might be all. But I couldn't have any sympathy for Yutaka Ozaki because of being naive with that blindness. Indeed, his voice and talent for lyrics are really charismatic. But I can't be into him.

I've been a passive person because of autism. Or I have lived with other people's comments which say to me "You are wrong", "You are crazy", and "Your way of living and thinking would never be alright" (yes, teachers and classmates always said to me "Your smartness is just treated great in schools only"). So I have needed a long time to have confidence in my thoughts. I also needed time to keep my mind open to other people's critical comments. This is really paradoxical so I had to face various troubles. TBH I am still weak so I would be hurt if someone says I have a mistake. It would be harmful to me. I have to accept that. But I feel it is better than in the past days.

I remember the story "The Ugly Ducking". In the society of the ducks, the main character has been said as "ugly". He thought that he must be an ugly duck, but finally find he is a beautiful swan (we should be careful that he is basically a swan, so he shouldn't try to be other birds). I am also the person who has been blamed as "ugly" because our society is conservative countryside and full of neurotypical people. I even thought that I never had the right or license of living my life. I just believed that I had to live as a madman, an ill person... Now I can find myself in various societies in English (several communities on the net) as being loved. I have many friends... then what "strange" can be? what is weird, or autism itself? It would be the final question. Is it bad of being oneself?

2023/01/20 English

BGM: Primal Scream - Don't Fight It, Feel It

Today I worked late. This morning I went to the library and borrowed Kenichiro Mogi's "A Life and Contingency". I read it and felt impressed deeply. I am here as this person. It is a clear fact. But I could be anybody else by chance. If I were born in Tokyo, or if I didn't go to Waseda. Looking at things from those kinds of "if" points, I feel that the reason why I am this is because of various chances or coincidences. A lot of coincidences... Mogi calls that a contingency. It is a keen opinion. I could be anyone else...

Looking back at my life, I can see some events have determined my life. I have lived this life brown by these events. I met Haruki Murakami's novel because a classmate next to me read it. I went to Waseda because my elder brother recommended it. After that, I spent half of a year as a NEET, and my doctor recommended me back to society so I started my work at my current company... If one of these events were different, that difference would change my life drastically. Life is really unseen. What would work as happiness or unhappiness? Totally enigmatic.

Recently I often hear the word "parent lottery". We can understand this word from the point of "contingency". Why did those parents bear me? Why could I not be born from different parents? Of course, these are just selfish opinions of naughty children. But in my case, I couldn't understand why my parents lived in the countryside. I also certainly wanted to blame them because of my autism. I have to accept that once I couldn't live with that contingency. But this world is just uncertain because of contingency so I have to survive that chaotic world.

Mogi writes that to dutiful my subjective point of view leads to being universal. For example, I read a book and felt sympathy. That emotion is just in me (from Mogi's viewpoint, I have a kind of qualia in my brain). But if I try to dig that impression and write about it like this and send it to someone else, then my personal impression can be delivered to someone else. Then, it becomes a universal thing and becomes a common thing. My action of writing this diary is just to spread my personal life. Yes, it is just like graffiti. But it would grip someone's mind. That is just a miracle... I learned it from this book.

2023/01/19 English

BGM: The Chemical Brothers - Let Forever Be

About a few years ago, when this corona pandemic had just begun, I went to the Tokyu Hands in Himeji. I bought the memo pad "Mnemosyne" and started writing my thoughts in English. Since then, I used Japanese when I wrote memos. But it couldn't be kept as a long habit. I got my friend's opinion that says "at the conversation in English you look really pleasant", and that was the clue for me to try to use English. That "suits" me smoothly. What are our efforts? The important is to find the way that "suits" us efficiently. It makes our efforts actual. I learned this from that fact.

Once I believed strictly that being an autistic person meant unhappiness and misery for me. I blamed autism as everything was brought from this handicap... now I keep on telling autism to our company through the activity of my job coach, and I also started learning autism that wasn't unhappy for me simply in this life. But this became from the meetings with various friends. If I was alone, I would stay in my world lonely. I would be sick from the solitude and lose any hope in my life. I am happy now... now I have many friends and also find a certain meaning in my work.

This evening we had the meeting we always have on Thursdays. Today I learned about "psychological safety". The concept that lets us feel comfortable because of being accepted certainly. Everything I say would be accepted and listened to... I can't read the lines at the communications in my workplace. I always say wrong comments so am treated as an alien. But diversity is the key concept that accepts that kind of alien and develops steadily. Indeed, it would have various troubles so I am interested in that concept in other people's workplaces.

After that, I found the time to read Hitoshi Nagai's "Philosophy for kids". Why this emotion belongs to me, this person... I can remember questions from this book about that kind of existence etc. This world I see is a virtual one for me only, and everyone has their scenarios that enable us to stay alive... Indeed, this idea has been created by the fact I watched various TV dramas too much, but then the fact that everybody has their ego and subject that asks us "why I am I". We are the cluster who have their egos and subjects. This world is a network of encountering many friends... This fact tells us what is this world. It is really enigmatic. This world, this life have told us that it is just great... It reminded of Wittgenstein or Kazushi Hosaka's world.

2023/01/18 English

BGM: PSY・S - Cubic Lovers

Today was a day off. This morning I went to the library and borrowed Nobuko Morita's book "Philosophy with children". It was a really profound book. It tells us how our being in this world can be remarkable. I am in this world now... Once I lived with thinking "if I weren't born". Because of autism I was terribly laughed at and hated, therefore I had that kind of idea. Maybe everybody would live happier than now... I certainly thought that in my childlike mind. I am glad to meet this book.

Today I attended the afternoon "danshu" meeting. I met a person who had just started attending recently. Listening to her story, I remembered the time I had just attended this meeting. Indeed, my anxiety had gotten bigger because I have to live my life without any alcohol. For me at that time, alcohol was the thing that saved my life like a Rosario. So anxiety was really big. Finally, I started enjoying the connection within the "danshu" meeting and also the things I really like (reading books, listening to music, and watching movies). That recovered me little by little. I enjoyed that meeting because of the interesting and pleasant communication.

Reading "Philosophy with children" step by step, I remembered the period in me when becoming an adult was a fear Does it mean becoming another person? Shouldn't I become an adult straightly because I am so strange? ...now I can find that was just "too much thinking" and "worrying so much", but at that time it was a serious problem,. I think that the distance between this myself which had such a childish problem and various cults such as AUM was near. Maybe I became a believer in those kinds of cults, but I could stay in this material world. It was really near to me. What is life? Enigmatic...

This evening I attended the "danshu" meeting and met the person who had come this afternoon. I talked about my story. Now she can't see what the "danshu" meeting is. Me, I was also guided by elder members and wondered about the unseen sober life. If she accepts today, the day she decided to stop drinking as a good day, then I can feel that is really pleasant. I can remember the day I watched a person, who had a serious handicap in his brain so couldn't speak smoothly, confessed his story. I hope today would be a remarkable day for her.

2023/01/17 English

BGM: New Order - Krafty

Although this is not rare for me, I thought that my life had ended this morning. I had no reason why. But, basically, I sometimes think about my English memo that "I could write until tomorrow, but today I might not be able to write!". This idea is almost the same as "Until yesterday the sun rose from the East, but today it might rise from the West"... (it is not crap from the viewpoint of philosophy, but actually it must be nonsense). I even thought that "I want to go back to my room and sleep", but when I started my work I could do it. Why can I work and write every day? This is the "eternal theme" for me.

Today I made a plan for the "Ochatto Room", which is the chance to enjoy communication with foreign residents, at Shiso International Association. At lunchtime, I thought of many ideas. About autism or the English conversation class we will have... in that room, we basically try to use English. I thought that I like expressing myself in English. As an employee in my company, I rarely use English so my skill isn't treated as important. But in other chances, my skill can work like this. Oh, that's life... I hear that my job coaches praise my English and it might work for me to create another possibility.

But I shouldn't think too much about that plan about what I will talk about. Communication is basically like a jam session in music. We can't say what will happen at that chance. We learn various things "after" sessions... autistic people have trouble with that kind of unseen communication. I started various meetings with the group about autism or another group, so I have "experienced" that kinds of unseen ones. So I can trust that experience in me. It would work... why "it would work"? Why? No reasons. But another skill which I can't identify would work and "it always rules"... really enigmatic.

This evening I attended the "Ochatto Room" and enjoyed the presentation from an English teacher at a junior high school in our city. We also made "mizuhiki", the main event. Making "mizuhiki" is really difficult because my fingers didn't move smoothly. I am not good at that work so I almost forgot the time. The teacher showed the amazing movements of her fingers, and it impressed me that the expert must be wonderful. I enjoyed myself. Returning to my room, I felt my head heated so decided to sleep. It's just from the lack of sleep every day. I am an old dude... 48! I must not eat oily meals and try to find "so-so" in my life.