2023/01/09 English

BGM: Kenji Ozawa - ラブリー

Today I worked late. This morning I read Toshiaki Kosakai's "Living in the world which has no answer" a little again. It tells us about the author's unique life and also his brilliant point of view, and it reminds me of my life. Indeed, I am living this peaceful and sweet life now. But once I had a too huge dream of becoming a writer. But actually, I didn't write any novels. I just drank a lot of alcohol. If I drank alcohol, I could feel pleasant feelings temporarily. Yes, I could forget everything. But if I get sober mood again, I start hating myself because that pleasure should be nonsense. So I start drinking again... again and again.

Ah... I even bought very expensive textbooks(at least, they were expensive compared with my income) and tried to change myself. I wanted to be a new person, a newly born person... It was a really wasteful struggle. At least, as I always write, after 40 years old I met my great friends. They enabled me to show my shameful character and also worries. Then, I am getting to love myself little by little. Any logic can explain this (I need more time to think about this). I learned to cook or other lifehacks, understand my limit and grip its shape. I start facing myself seriously. Yes, THIS is a change.

Looking back to my past days, I am never a successful person. Indeed, now I write my diary in English. I also read books about philosophy and brain science. It might be a wonderful life but it's not to be someone. It contains really a lot of waste, therefore it has bad cost performance. But, reading Toshiaki Kosakai's autobiography, I can understand that those random or chaotic trials and errors in my life could become a great Mandara picture. We say "there is no royal road to learning". Then my way of living is, maybe ridiculous, but not wrong completely.

Today was the coming-of-age day. Me, when I was 18 years old, I didn't attend the ceremony to celebrate my 18. Instead, I read books or listened to music alone. It was really a hard period for me so I can remember almost nothing. I even didn't understand autism, and couldn't predict how my life would be. Now, I can't see who I would meet and how I would live. Completely enigmatic. I say to myself that I need to move by following my feeling lightly. Logic often stops my movement, so I just move as my body needs it. Then, consciousness changes as my body move. Logic follows my movement. Move, and enjoy. That's the policy.

2023/01/08 English

2023/01/08 BGM: Perfume - チョコレイト・ディスコ

Today was a day off. This morning I read Michael Ende's "Momo" with Radiohead's "OK Computer". TBH I had never read "Momo" until today, and I got impressed by its profound messages. Through the battle between a girl who appeared in an imaginary city Momo and the grey gentlemen, the author points out that modern capitalism and society has its serious problem. That kind of seeking for better "cost performance" lose a great thing we always need. How important do we play in our imagination? The attitude of reflecting on the "time" that we always have enough therefore we rarely find its meaning... Ende suggests the point of view of our deaths. I'm sad because I have NEVER read this kind of great literature in my childhood, but c'est la vie.

On Thursdays nights, I enjoy meeting on ZOOM with some members from Shiso International Association and also its city office. And next Thursday I have to do the presentation so I want to talk about "Momo". I started making its draft. During that process, I thought about my life's "cost performance", "time performance (this might sound weird. Yes, this is "Japanese English"), and "waste". For me, being a student of Waseda is even a waste of time, maybe... you won't think it sounds good. But in that four-year period, I almost could do nothing. It was truly free time but I couldn't use that freedom well. I was just soaked into the depression... I should do some part-time jobs modestly. Or I had to read books more. If I tried to learn French through that period, how I could be? Indeed, this kind of "if" always makes me sick.

We Japanese shorten "time performance" to "Taipa". And in Japan, Generation X was the one who wants to watch movies twice fast times or enjoy the dramas from their last episodes to try them having knowledge of the stories. But, while googling about that, I read the opinion that says "traditional training of Sushi maestro must be a waste of time" and "we can have Sushi maestro easier if we try to seek for its 'cost performance'". Is "Taipa" one of the serious problems "we all" have? But I learned that there is a way of living which is called a "slow life". It means living in the countryside intentionally with caring sustainability and ecology. I have to learn "slow reading" because my style of reading is truly chaotic. It must be a great disorder but that's autism.

This evening I read the book "The Language Game" that I read halfway. Indeed, this year has just begun but this must be one of the best books of this year. We tend to think that we are using our languages with obeying their rule of usage, but this book tells us that our communication is based on the "readymade" coincidence that was made by our gesture games and improvisation. I am just an amateur so can't judge if this is true, so I was only impressed saying "Ho". But this opinion which says coincidence is great for us might be connected to Wittgenstein's keyword "The Language Game". We also might be able to connect it to the enigma of communication of Wittgenstein's philosophy. But, is it just a delusion of my brain which is full of nonsense?

2023/01/07 English

BGM: Pizzicato Five - ファンキー・ラブチャイルド

Today I worked early. This morning I listened to The Art Of Noise's "Legs". It's a famous song in Japan because a Japanese magician Mr. Maric uses it as his theme song. When I listen to this kind of song, my body starts to move with it. Indeed, music is mysterious. Sweet melodies and throbbing rhythm move my mind and body actively. I always tune my mind with vast music. My taste is sometimes said as weird. When I was a student, I couldn't join my classmates' music talk because of that strange taste so I felt lonely. But now I can be proud of my taste.

I got a direct mail about the English conversation class we will have this month. I want to go there if I can. This year who will I meet in this class? I wonder if my skill of English is getting improved through this class, daily chatting, and my diary? I want to climb steadily through my whole life without hurrying up. But I have to accept that I can't climb without making mistakes. My life would go through hardship. But I try to stay steady, do actual practice, having English in my life. Write my ideas on my memo pad in English, try to use English in my daily life, and practice. This is my way of learning. Yes, it is really a cluster of tiny efforts.

I am still reading Morten H. Christiansen & Nick Chater's "The Language Game". This book tells me that we do our usual communications with actual "improvisation", and that makes our tradition the rule of conversation. It also means that we don't learn strict terms of usage of language to do communications. "Improvisation" is the key term of this book. It also tries to express "the collapse of our language". If we used language so randomly, it would end as a disorder? but these authors say that our language must not be such a fragile thing. It can contain rich chaos... This is a really great book to think about that kind of huge enigma of language.

At today's lunchtime, listening to Susumu Hirasawa's "金星", I imagined "How everything would be if I ran away from this life?". Run away from this job, this town... it says that the current state was brought from the fact I have never run away. I kept my work because there weren't other things to do. Yes, a really negative motivation. And... finally, I met my friends. Great and precious friends. I can see that I could live more smartly, and more pleasant without any stress. But it wouldn't suit me. I am... yes, I am a fool. I am never smart...

2023/01/06 English

BGM: Aphex Twin - Donkey Rhubarb

Today I worked late. This morning I read Morten H. Christiansen & Nick Chater's "The Language Game" a little. I try to ask myself the question "why can I use language as its rule orders". This book tells me that our language is made under improvisation at every time in ourselves. And our communication becomes our "gesture game". In other words, language has its meaning. But "in addition", our movement from various gestures also helps our communication. It is quite an interesting book so I want to read it slowly and carefully.

I posted some comments about this book to a WhatsApp group for English learners. Pili, the admin of that group, has helped me a lot until now. She said to me that I should accept and love myself, and that advice is still alive in me. I have been supported by her and other members tenderness. I sometimes get bothersome and even hate myself because I am so strange. But I can't imagine how could be if I were quite a different person. I can be myself as usual... I control myself and tune it to become better.

"Improvisation" in our communication. That can mean that we are doing communication without any plans. We can't prepare for the coming communication... Indeed, it's obvious. We don't do our talk by its scenario but just do it by improvisation. Then, that tells me that I, an autistic person, can't become good at communication because I tend to obey almost everything's rules strictly. Indeed, I have to be released from the gravity of the concept of autism. But it becomes interesting when I think about the relationship between communication and autism in my life, my tiny experiences.

Suddenly I remembered Kurt Cobain. "What else should I be? All apologies", he sang so. I can understand that and I remember that I wished I could disappear from this world with huge guilty. But I met Pili and other friends, who help me when I was in hard times. I started accepting and asserting myself step by step through their embracing. I read a lot of books and think about really weird ideas. But I face that myself and live on. Life goes on... I might be able to keep a bold attitude that says "I am just this kind of myself".

2023/01/05 English

BGM: Momus - Trust Me, I'm a Doctor

Every day I make several sentences in English so I sometimes get some phrases in English accidentally. Today, while reading Daniel Dennett's "Kinds of Minds", I got the words "Do Machines Have Desire?". As I always write, I wanted to be a "human machine" when I was young. If so, I could be free from the gravity of desire. Or I also wanted to be released from the element of emotion. Then I could control myself neatly and live with toughness. Not feeling any desire for women, I could live without showing any weakness to others (yes, it is a banal "young daydream").

This body reacts to women automatically... so I couldn't understand and control the desire for the element of pervert. Therefore I do feel not comfortable when I see women who show their great (too huge) breasts and hips (even if they are drawn or real). Young people couldn't understand that kind of my dilemma. But I believe that our desire shouldn't be shown radically and also talk about that kind of topic. When I see some "almost porn" advertisements, I feel that we need some "zoning" for them. It's difficult to keep everything "so-so".

I read Kouichiro Kokubun's "First Spinoza". Although I am interested in Spinoza's opinions, I have never tried to understand his philosophy because I couldn't understand his "Ethica". Therefore I have to learn from Kokubun's works. Spinoza and Kokubun have made the dilemma of needing the things I don't want in my will into their words clearly (Me, I understand that I would go to hell when I drank alcohol, but my body needs to drink it. So I have to keep distance from any alcohol). That makes me feel realistic from their logic. To doubt my point of view, and to rewrite or version-up it, I need to bring Spinoza's philosophy into my operation system.

Today I went to the library and borrowed the book "The Language Game". I have a really enigmatic interest in reading books that changes easily and rapidly. I even can write that I am enjoying that kind of "uncertain" interest which leads me to an unknown place. But I might be able to say that I'm trying to feedback on the books I read in my life. And the gifts or experiences I got from my life become my thought again. Indeed, cynicism says my life and thoughts must be nonsense. But that cynicism is also nonsense. I am just a disco cat who dances alone. That's enough. "I'm a loser baby, so why don't kill me" (Beck "Loser").

2023/01/04 English

BGM: Original Love - 月の裏で会いましょう

Today I worked late. The library will open tomorrow so I thought about what books I want to borrow. I once wrote about a new Japanese word "Taipa", which means "time performance". That word reminded me of Michael Ende's "Momo", so I want to read it carefully again. I also want to read Daniel Dennett's book and learn how the mind works. But I can't make any plans to read books. I can't see what book I want to read next. I couldn't read Souseki Natsume's books which I had decided to read...

Today I read Ryuichi Sakamoto and Shigeo Goto's "skmt Who is Ryuichi Sakamoto". Although this is the second time to read it, I still find many things to learn. In this book, he doubts the sameness of our identity. He says that today's myself and the future might be completely different because we can't predict what we will think in the future. And we might not have to see it. We might be able to live radically without caring or trying to keep this self the same always... this stance is a kind of "schizo"? Me, I shouldn't be afraid to change this identity drastically.

After that, I read Masaya Chiba's "Guidebook of modern philosophy". I accepted that Masaya Chiba says to us that we don't need to face only one big problem too seriously. We have to face every tiny problem every time happens. We should solve those tiny problems next by next, and that's important... This might sound like a kind of "readymade" or "instant". But I accept that this is really practical. Chiba explains smartly by using various computer words, and his base is this tenderness that enables us to face and solve our real problems. I am interested in Michael Foucault in this book.

I reflect on my life, my this life. Masaya Chiba says that we need to get the otherness in our lives. For example, feeding a pet. I don't have a pet, but I always face the troubles which come from autism. I might be able to say that I am always with "my" vivid otherness. But I can't throw that otherness away. I just have to try to test various life hacks in my life. But I shouldn't think of autism too strictly... what is the real "easy" life? I might have to set myself free from the anchor of my identity.

2023/01/03 English

BGM: Oasis - Whatever

During today's work, I was thinking about the relationship between me and autism. Once I strictly believed that my life would be just crap. I can't enjoy the things that many people enjoy (such as small talk or driving a car), and just going to die, that's all. Nothing is delightful... but I met nice people at the beginning of my 40s, and I started accepting and even tried to love myself through the activities of the group we built. That made me think that we must need a kind of "Homebase". Because the group I belong to, which I wrote above, is just an important Homebase and the place to be for me.

Once when I was still young, and just satisfied with reading the surface of modern philosophy, I believed that "we never need the place to be" and "everyone has to be a nomad or a person who has no roots". Because if we think that we need those kinds of roots, that will bind us strong... This idea (delusion?) comes from my past TBH I was bullied when I was a student, therefore I got doubtful about human relationships. People, who treated me and showed their smiles tenderly, try to keep a distance from me coldly, and started blaming me... I certainly experienced that kind of event many times.

That treatment makes me confused, so I even tried to become a trickster in my classmates to live better. I have to be an idiot, and throw my pride away completely... that would let me be a great friend to them. Or I even tried to become a hater. I tried to be so a lot to live a "public enemy". But now I can feel that I have a lot of true friends. I can trust them, and the existence of those friends or the connection keeps me calm. They are great blankets for me. They stop me going to reaching extreme ideas.

Now I think that the label "autism" shouldn't divide people (I'm afraid of this phenomenon... that some people look like using the label of "typical development" and describe many people as "they tend to have scattered minds and also they tend to read the lines too strictly, although it is just a funny joke). The person who invented the label "autism" wished that autistic people could live easier, and also the depth of human being's mind would come clearer I guess. Yes, that is just my idea. But I think that the label can be used more positively? I am living to face my autism and learn various things from my friends and the place I belong to (at least, I'm trying to do so).