2022/09/25 English

Today was a day off, and I went to Aeon to read Shigeki Noya's "Wittgenstein, Struggle as Philosophical Investigation" this morning as usual. I remember that I read Wittgenstein without academic studies because I had started attending the meeting about autism. At that meeting, a person said to me that my style of thinking was philosophical. and I also thought that I was glad if I could weave my style of thinking as a kind of 'my philosophy', even if it sounds too proud. But I can follow very narrow philosophical authors. I don't follow Kant or Hegel, but mainly read Wittgenstein and follow his way.

In the book, Noya explains Wittgenstein's way of thinking plainly. Indeed, his (or their) writing contains a lot of philosophical words so it seems difficult, but just read it without any prejudice then you can find it contains very ordinary things. How is the behavior of understanding the word 'understanding'? What does mean other people's understanding of 'my' feeling of pain? Wittgenstein and Noya try to explain those very, really very primal things with plain words. That mad passion itself is the essence of philosophy I think.

This afternoon, I had time to read Haruki Murakami's "Hear The Wind Sings" and "Pinball, 1973". Those early works tell me that Haruki had a sense of shame or shyness to begin his novels. I, not any special person, start to write the things that aren't special, therefore I have to be shameful... That's the sense Haruki exactly has. I feel sympathy for him because I can understand that shame. I think that being a writer or writing a novel must be very banal things therefore we might have to feel embarrassed.

I guess that Wittgenstein and Haruki stop their walking at the first point, at the beginning. They murmur their truths 'before' speaking their philosophies or writing their novels. I can trust them better than the writers who can express their philosophies or novels smoothly without doubting their actions. That might cause by the experience I had to be ashamed because of speaking stupid things in my life. It might come from autism (I guess Wittgenstein and Haruki might be autistic people, and therefore I have attracted their strange but honest writings).

2022/09/25

今日は休日だった。朝、いつものようにイオンに行きそこで野矢茂樹『ウィトゲンシュタイン 「哲学探究」という戦い』を読み始める。考えてみれば私が徒手空拳でウィトゲンシュタインなどを読み始めたのも、今関わっている発達障害関係のミーティングに参加するようになったからだ。私の考え方や書くものが哲学的だと言われて、それでそれなら自分なりの哲学を編むことができるのではないかと身の程知らずにも考えたのだった。とはいえ私がフォローできる哲学は本当に限られている。カントやヘーゲルに関心はなく主にウィトゲンシュタインを読み、彼の考え方を真似ようと試みている。

野矢茂樹の本の中で、ウィトゲンシュタインの考え方が平たく整理されている。彼の（あるいは「彼ら」の）書くことは確かに哲学的な語彙が使われるために難解に見えるが、それに惑わされずに読めば実に平凡な事柄が書かれている。「わかる」ことをわかるとはどういうことか。私の「痛い」という感覚が他人にも「わかる」とはどういうことか。そんな、ものすごく原初的なことを何とか説明／解明しようとウィトゲンシュタイン&野矢は言葉を尽くして語っているのだ。その病的な情熱にこそ、私は哲学のエッセンスを見出してしまう。

午後、時間があったので村上春樹『風の歌を聴け』と『1973年のピンボール』を読み返す。これらの初期作品からは、私は村上春樹が小説を書き始めることに関する恥じらい／含羞を感じる。とりたてて特別な人間ではない自分が、そんなに特別な事柄でもないことを書くとは何だか恥ずかしい、という感覚だ。そんな恥の感覚から書き始めていることに私も共感する。こんな時代において、作家たることや小説を書けることは特別なことではなく、むしろ恥じらいを感じなければならないほどありふれたことなのではないか、と思う。

ウィトゲンシュタインも村上春樹も、ごく最初の時点で立ち止まっている。哲学を始めることや小説を書くことの「以前」の段階でモゴモゴと口ごもっているように感じられる。そしてそれは、スムーズに哲学や小説を書ける書き手、自分のやっていることに疑いを抱かず滑らかに言葉を並べて／連ねて書くことのできる書き手よりも信頼できる所作のように思うのだ。それは多分に私も人と違う言葉を喋ってしまい恥をかき続けたからなのだろうと思う。発達障害も絡んでくるのかもしれない（大胆なことを言えば、私はウィトゲンシュタインも村上春樹も発達障害の疑いが強いと思っている。それ故にこそ私は彼らの書くものの歪さに惹かれるのかもしれない）。

2022/09/24 English

When I was a high school student, I accidentally read the book which my classmate was reading. It was Haruki Murakami's "Pinball, 1973" and the first contact. Then, I have read Haruki's books until now (even if I can't say "I always read them"). Indeed, there must be many writers which are better than Haruki. But he is even a unique writer for me. I will probably buy his next book and I guess I can't taste as deep reading as his "Norwegian Wood". It is happy that I am living in the age he lives, and also I can read his works in real-time. I still think so.

Tomorrow, the 25th of September is the anniversary of starting my job. On that day 24 years ago, I had spent half a year as a 'neet', and after that, I began my work relying on the doctor' "you'd better start working for returning to society". Since that, I have worked until now because I have a negative reason as "I have nothing else to do" and also "I want to show the fact that I am not a loser, so I have to stay". Finally, I spent the time without any chance to step up, but now I'm trying to realize the project of my job coach. Ah, unbelievable.

Ah, once I thought I wanted to change my job, but a friend asked me "Can you work using a foreign language?". "Companies want a person who can translate Japanese into English", she said so. and I gave up saying "Why can I? I have never studied abroad"... now reflecting back on the time, I think it is also unbelievable. Now I use English and express myself on Discord etc. Not watching at the negative reasons which let me think impossible, but betting on the possibilities and doing it anyway. I might need such a spirit. I can be such an overrated person... how do you think?

Now I am 47 years old. What do ordinary 47 people in this world think in their daily life? Do they imagine their end of life? Thinking about improving their career and doing service to their family... I gave up having any career and family and just lived without any plans in my life. Although I feel that I'm exactly getting older because of a lack of energy (today I was thinking about watching Yasujiro Ozu's movie but slept soon). But in my mind, I am still young or just childish. I am just thinking that I want to enjoy my life without any reflection on my age. It is difficult to get ages to step by step.

2022/09/24

高校生の頃、たまたま同級生の読んでいた『1973年のピンボール』を読ませてもらったこと。それが村上春樹との出会いだった。それ以来、今に至るまで春樹の本を（常に、ではないにせよ）読んできた。春樹より優れた作家は数多といる、とは思う。だが、彼は私にとって依然特別な作家であり続けている。多分次作が出れば買うだろうし、『ノルウェイの森』を超える濃密な読書経験は味わえないだろう。彼と同じ時代を生きられたこと、折に触れて彼の作品を読めたことは幸せなことだと思う。それは今でも変わらない。

明日、9月25日は私が今の会社に入社した記念日である。今から遡ること24年前、私は半年間のニート期間を経て医師の「社会復帰のために半年ほどやってみたらどうですか」という言葉を頼りに働き始めたのだった。それ以来、「他にやることもなかった」という消極的な理由があり、あるいは「ここが正念場だ。自分はダメな人間じゃないというところを見せたい」という理由がありで今まで頑張ってきた。結局出世とは無縁に生きてきて、ひょんなことから知ったジョブコーチの案件が実現しそうになる。何だかアンビリバボーな人生だ。

ああ、かつて仕事を変えることを考えた時に「語学はできないのですか？」と言われたことを思い出す。日本語を英訳する人がマーケットでは求められている、と言われて「できるわけないだろう。留学したこともないんだから」と匙を投げたこと……今から振り返ってみるとこれもまた信じられないことだ。今、私はDiscordなどで英語を駆使して表現している。できない理由に固執するのではなく、できるかもしれない可能性に賭けてとにかくやってみること。そういうスピリットも大事なのかもしれない。それくらい身の程知らずでちょうどいい、ということかな？

気がつけば47歳。世間一般の47歳はどんなことを考えて生きているのだろう。自分の人生の終わりを見定めて生きているのだろうか。キャリアアップや家族サービスを考えて……私はキャリアも家族を持つことも諦めて、ただちゃらんぽらんに生きてしまった。体力の衰えなどの老化を感じることもあるが（今日も小津安二郎の映画でも見直してみようかと思ったのだが、疲れて早々に眠ってしまった）、しかし気力の面では今も若々しいというか未成熟というか、年相応の落ち着きとは無縁にはしゃいでしまっている。なかなか年を重ねるのは難しいことだ。

2022/09/23 English

Indeed, we say that autumn is for reading. But today I couldn't read books well. I tried to read Yoshikichi Furui's "Karioujyouden Shibun" but it didn't come to my mind. So I just touched my smartphone a lot and read some books as zapping with Ryuichi Sakamoto's music. Time just passed away like that. It can happen in such a long life. I have read "Karioujyouden Shibun" for a long time, but I still feel awful about this book's profound content. I want to read Furui's book again. Or reading Souseki Natsume again... Writing like this, I noticed that recently I don't read any new books.

This morning I heard that a person has been sick because of the vaccination for corona in a LINE group. I'm going to get vaccinated for the fourth time the next Wednesday. I tried to say something to cheer that person, but I couldn't do it well. But, as I wrote before, I did some comments to her about the theory "do make mistakes with a positive mind" that I have learned from the English conversation class. I have been thankful for her because she embraced me to express my truth in English. She also leads me to realize the job coaches and also lets me go forward. I'm glad if my words knock her mind.

Why don't I read Haruki Murakami again this autumn? I want to read his first novel "Hear The Wind Sings"... I can't see why I am so attracted to Haruki Murakami. But, at least, I have an impression that his novels are just about the people who have "handicapped" or "maladjusted" people. I'm also that kind of "handicapped" person so am attracted well... and also, he is a good storyteller. If I judged his novels in a businesslike way, I would say that Yoshikichi Furui is better than Haruki Murakami. But Haruki's novels are very friendly to me.

Today was 'higan'. This evening I had 'ohagi'. I sent the pic of 'ohagi' and told about 'higan' for the foreign friends on WhatsApp. I enjoyed a certain connection with them. I feel that those foreign friends empower me. I once imagined that I could be famous on social media, but now I just enjoy that kind of tiny connection and that's enough. I steadily learn English and read books. I also think about various things and write down them. I record various ideas from these boring or peaceful days and wrote them in my diary and novels. I want to keep on doing so.

2022/09/23

俗に「読書の秋」というが、今日は読書がぜんぜん捗らなかった。古井由吉『仮往生伝試文』を読もうとしたのだけれど頭に入らなかった。だからスマホをいじったり適当に何冊かつまみ読みして、坂本龍一を聴きながら時間を過ごしてしまった。まあ、そんな日もある。『仮往生伝試文』ともずいぶん長い付き合いになるが、未だにこの本の深遠さには戦慄を覚える。古井由吉の本をまた読み返すのもいいかもしれない。あるいは夏目漱石を読み返すなど……こうして書いてみると、自分は本当に新しい本を読まなくなってしまったなと思う。

今朝、LINEグループである方がコロナのワクチン接種のために体調を少し崩されたとの話を聞いた。私も次の水曜日が第4回目のワクチン接種である。元気を取り戻されるように何か言葉をかけないと、と思ったがうまくいかない。ただ、前にも書いたと思うが英会話で学んだ「しくじる時は堂々と」というセオリーに基づき言葉を寄せた。その方に励まされて私は英語で発表するようになったし、ジョブコーチのことも進められるようになったしそれ以外にも自分はその方のおかげで前に進めていると思っているので私なりに言葉を尽くしたつもりだ。伝わっているなら嬉しい。

村上春樹をまた読み返すのもいいかもしれない、と思い始めた。またデビュー作『風の歌を聴け』を読み返そうか……私がなぜここまで村上春樹に惹かれるのか、それはわからない。ただ、春樹の作品は外と折り合いのつけられない、「生きにくい」人の小説だという印象を感じている。だから私も「生きにくい」人間として惹かれるのだろう。あとは単純にストーリー展開が面白いからというのもある。事務的に評価すれば、私は古井由吉の方が村上春樹より優れていると思う。だが、それでも春樹の作品に馴染み深いものを感じる自分がいる。

今日はお彼岸だった。夜、おはぎを食べる。WhatsAppで海外の友だちにおはぎの写真を送ってお彼岸について話す。確かなつながりを噛み締める。海外の友だちからも自分は力をもらっていると感じる。SNSを通して有名になることや目立つことを考えていたことが私にもあったけれど、今はそういうささやかだけれど確かなつながりが確認できれば何もいらないなと思ってしまう。日々、地道に英語を勉強し、本を読みあれこれ考えて、それをこうして書く。退屈な日々の中にあるアイデアの萌芽を記録して、それを日記や小説で書く。そんなことを続けたいと思う。

2022/09/22 English

I feel no good. I guess that's because just the season is changing recently... today I worked early and was tired a lot, so I fell almost asleep while attending the online meeting this evening (I'm sorry), and I couldn't read or write anymore. If I had time, I would watch the drama "Extraordinary Attorney Woo". But I slept soon so couldn't do that. I feel embarrassed about this. I remember Isaac Bashevis Singer's quote "Life is God's novel. Let him write it". If I could do nothing at that time, I might have to throw myself into the situation and let it flow to me. That might work well.

Once, I was a heavy user of Twitter, I lived for dissing other people a lot. I blamed politics as a so-called big mouth, and other peoples' work too. I can remember that I tried to make my mood better by criticizing the situation outside of me at that period. In other words, I never tried to change myself, and also never tried to look at my problems, but I just criticized various things. So my life wouldn't become better however I blamed the situation. Now I see the people who criticize the state funeral and remember my past. Even if I can't say any fine opinions about the state funeral.

Maybe I have lived with being bullied and blamed by a lot of classmates, even now I sometimes hear some phantom comments that blame me. As "Get away" or "Die soon". Of course, now I have a lot of friends now. They give me heartful comments. I want to overcome those phantom comments. But I might have to live with them while I'm alive so I should give up on them. I remember those past days, and even those days were a great lesson for me and had built me like this.

This might sound foolish... but once I had thought that death should be the only exit from this life in my past. I had wanted to run away from this life so drank a lot. In that way, drinking and dissing on Twitter is the same for me. While blaming someone, I can run away from my life. Then, how is the current situation? I try to face autism, and also think about how I can do more creative work. I never think this life is perfect, but I think I have nothing to be ashamed of as my way of living... is this not realistic?