I worked early today. TBH, on the last Thursday of this month I'm going to do a presentation on Zoom to my friends, so now I am thinking about what I will be able to share with them. A plan I'm having is about how I have suffered from the fact I am male, even though I have never wished to be born in this world with this identity. Besides this masculine body, in this head, there must be an autistic character who has let me move very recklessly. Those unique essences have gotten together into this body as one.
Recently, I learned an interesting word: "baby steps," which means how important the steady efforts I have been making can be, like every step babies make (although any single step can be only a tiny one). Once I had been haunted by a huge delusion and an inferiority complex, in other words, I was a nameless coward who had been afraid of making any trial too much, on various social media (especially Twitter) I tried to show how I could be so big enough to achieve a material success. Yes, although I had done literally nothing, I had dreamed of achieving a huge dream/ambition.
But should I then offer myself advice toward the past, such as "Be quiet, and just try everything"? If I did so, it would sound too strong and too clean to the past, so I would simply reject/block myself anymore. In other words, there must be a very high wall between the past myself who had been possessed by a desperate state of mind that had kept telling me how I must have been powerless/useless. I could have believed I wouldn't be able to achieve anything successfully, so I must have needed to get rid of the mental weapons I was carrying bit by bit, as the motto of making efforts like doing "baby steps".
Now, I can tell I'm actually having a mental force (which can mean so-called pride or self-esteem), therefore, although this must sound paradoxical, I can show how I must be a weak, so uncool old guy... Oh no! There seems not enough space for me to share the evening's Zoom meeting I enjoyed. Even though it was a great presentation about the travel to Kyusyu region... That's life (I'm so sorry!).
