I had a day off. This morning, I went to the main house of my group home to see my admin. There, we talked about the recent events at my workplace (especially, the event I've written in yesterday's journal with some rants). After that, before going to the dentist this afternoon (even on weekends, the dentist in AEON does their treatment), I went to the library to change my mood and finally borrowed a book "Man (Dis) Connected" again. I went to AEON and enjoyed some of Morrissey's songs while waiting for the time.
With Morrissey's bangers (TBH, literally recently I started to enjoy his solo career songs deeply), I tried to think about various things while writing them onto my memo pad as usual. One was how I should accept and treat many masculine essences of mine in this body. Especially, I was never a handsome guy who could become a sort of lovely playboy and had to struggle with these essences to get love from classmates, although now there seem to be so many women (yes, from my viewpoint, plenty of women!) who show me their kindness without needing any returns from me. Then, what were those terrible teenage days I had to experience in school? At that time, EVERY guy hated me a lot as a public enemy.
"Oh, has the world changed or have I changed?" (The Smiths "The Queen Is Dead")
After the dentist's treatment, probably because recent events had worn out my mental toughness, after having lunch I could do nothing anymore and therefore just lay my body on the bed. Even though I tried to open "Man (Dis) Connected", every letter on its pages ran away from my brain. After having a nap, I decided to let time flow, and also enjoy various songs randomly on Spotify.
After having dinner, I started writing the draft for the coming presentation last Thursday. Finally, instead of the interesting concept of "incel" which I had once tried to do (although it could contain various, very sensitive content), I decided to write about how the education of the English language for us has been working as a certain pressure. After I had done it halfway, I started reading "Man (Dis) Connected". By reading that provoking book, I've remembered how my teenage days could have crucified and even tortured my soul again.
"Behind the hatred there lies / A murderous desire for love" (The Smiths "The Boy With The Thorn In His Side")
