I worked early today. This lunchtime, I thought about the first time I could feel a certain, firm feeling (maybe a so-called "invisible touch") of changing the situation around me, even though I can't tell why I had thought such an exaggerated idea now (but maybe the essences I have gotten from George Orwell's novel 1984, which I've recently read, remain in somewhere unconsciously). Remembering this, I tend to go back to the past days when I had not been diagnosed as an autistic person yet, and I abandoned my life completely.
But, as you already know... now I am living in a grateful "diversity" era, therefore I want to talk about hope, not about trauma I have gotten too much. Then, I need to change the direction of my thinking a little... toward questioning "When could I start changing my attitude or my destiny to go to the current direction?" I say the direction for trying various "challenges" such as trying to cook rice, starting learning English like this, and writing the journals YOU are reading now.
After being diagnosed as an autistic guy at 33, I still had to struggle for a while (about 7 years) because even WE couldn't find what we should do to open the path to the future with this troublesome "handicap" (yes, as you already have read, I've used "we" because even "I" was so ignorant about autism that at that time I still had thought it could be "overcome" by any possible toughness), and finally, that total wasteful trial ended in vain... and at my 40, the ultimate change (yes, the absolute "change of life") happened as the first meeting with my ex-job coach.
Before that, for me, this world was a very horrible and desperate place and even I couldn't find any clue to survive such a tough situation alone (even though I had lived with my parents). NOW, I can tell that in my mind at that moment there was nothing valuable/trustworthy such as a firm self-esteem or a fine faith in the people around me. In other words, in me, there was no "law" or "rule" based on the experiences I had built, which can suggest to me who I should obey and where I should go. Little by little, with that ex-job coach and also my friends, I started learning various things certainly.
