I worked early today. This morning, I sent a LINE message to one of my English teachers, and we exchanged with each other for a while. She answered me frankly even though I sent it to her directly (probably too straightly), therefore I got a certain, clear answer at last. I felt thankful for her tender personality. Oh, when I was a kid... I remember. At that terrible period as hell, all the girls in school hated me so much. I felt like I had become a fly.
At lunchtime, I had eel as lunch. After that, I thought about the experiences of being bullied at school. Generally, some people say that BOTH of us can be responsible for this kind of case. Indeed, remembering my past cases, I accept that my behavior must have been so strange and creepy for them. However, then, what else could I have done about that? Why didn't other adults give their pieces of advice to me to correct my attitude?
By remembering that, I feel I have been so far from that terrible school period. Now I can find that normally/naturally many women talk to me daily, and we can build our firm life together. Of course, I won't say that EVERYONE loves me right now (it must be an impossible case, and also a nonsense wish). Some people even hate me, and I try not to be careful too much about that. That's life.
Once, a Russian friend of mine said to me that I must have needed guidance that led me to be an adult, but no one could work as that. Yes, I appreciate her kindness... After that terrible, hell-like period I even pretended to be an enemy in this world who must have been hated in public. Certainly, I even tried to be a guy like Joker on the internet.
One friend asked me about this. What could it be if I could forget the fact that I am autistic? I try to imagine and find out that it must be impossible (it's like imagining life without having this physical body itself). However, I won't say I am still miserable because of that fact, and now which won't mean to me as I am still bonded by autism itself. Now I can be proud of this myself in public, without any hesitation, and also without showing/having any controversial attitudes as Joker (Yes, that's life). I just try to be dutiful to these honest senses, or this inspiration within me that must work as a precious radar of mine.
