BGM: Fliipper's Guitar - Groove Tube
What is love? This morning, I started thinking about this question again by reading Yukio Mishima's "Confession of a Mask". You might laugh at this... but for me, love is a concept in our mind like God or peace. Of course, that's not bad I believe because those kinds of imaginary concepts can be treated as precious ones, therefore, we can live peacefully and pleasantly in this cruel life. But... What is love? Or should I ask why I have to ask this naturally, even though I can live this cruel life without asking this?
Thinking about this, I have to go back to recall the memory of the first love of mine, but it's a pity to say that I have no memory of that. Even though I once had loved someone actually, in that troublesome/difficult childhood I had to "erase" any possibility of loving someone in me because I had been haunted by the idea which had kept on saying that "You must not have been allowed to exist in this world." Therefore, under that invisible pressure within me (Oh, it sounds like Foucault's philosophy), I tried to delete that emotion's awakening.
Therefore, even now, I can't understand when any moment/possibility of love can occur/happen in me. About first love, probably I must have needed a certain guide who could tell me no worries about that moment can happen to me... But, unfortunately, there could have never been such a great pioneer. So, I had to do a certain, symbolic castration within my mind.
As Mishima has taught us in that great novel, however, the desire for love within us can rule us... I can understand that with not only my brain literally, but also with this body fully. Once, I tried to separate mental love from any dirty/physical love occurring. Just as trying to separate mental pleasure (reading, watching something on Netflix) from any exercising.
Now, I agree with Mishima who once taught that physical exercises can bring a certain pleasure, which also can rule us. Today, maybe I needed to move my body as exercising, not reading Mishima... then I could have found a clear moment of pleasure, which could bring me a certain moment to notice something precious.
