BGM: The Police - King Of Pain
As I have written in this journal, I have MY own server "World's End Pharmacy" on Discord. This morning we had a great, serious political discussion (although I had to try to keep my head awake because of the mood). Indeed, it was a good time. After that I enjoyed the morning ZOOM meeting in English via a Facebook group. The topic was about a YouTuber who had broken a Japanese law. We (three members including me) also enjoyed a great discussion. Now I have been able to get the clue of spending morning time. It is becoming one firm habit of mine.
Once... I had dreamed MY death. Although this must sound too serious, I write... I thought/believed that my co-workers would/must feel sad if I died. They would cry for my death, maybe... it was just an ultimate hope of mine. But... I met my job coach, and also various friends of mine eventually in my 40s. I couldn't have believed that this world certainly has any person who will cry for me... (of course, my parents must cry for me, but I hated them at that period).
And now... solitude, loneliness. Why should I feel these emotions? Why can I feel that unconsciously, quietly? Although I have so many friends, I still feel that kind of feeling. Maybe, it is coming from this Xmas mood? When I go into any supermarket or convenient store, I can hear cheerful Xmas songs. Is this the reason? It will last till this year's end?
I read Kazushige Abe's novel collection "Day For Night/Individual Projection". It must be really "brainy" one. I think about how difficult to keep one's identity clean and normal can be. In these two novels, the main characters keep on asking how to have their identities logical. They try to write about what they are thinking as their novel or journal, but the drama they have been writing start being distorted by their bias and comical behaviors. Oh, what a funny and real one!
Today I got messages from a Russian friend of mine. It taught me that I need a courage to change MY situation.
