BGM: たま - 夏の前日
Today I worked early. TBH my mother came to my workplace today. I hadn't known about that so got surprised at seeing her there, but I was glad to talk with her after a long time face to face. I remember that yesterday I confessed my story about that mother at the "danshu" meeting. I talked about my sending her a thanksgiving message. And also, about the memory I blamed her as saying "why the f--k did you born me?", or the fact I spent my days as a terrible heavy drinker through a sad relationship with her. Maybe I wished her would die soon. Ah, what a terrible thinking. I could adore dying soon by drinking alcohol too much as a young genius like Kurt Cobain. But anyway I could start quitting alcohol at the age I was 40. It still has continued until now. But it is not possible because of my lonely efforts. I have been, as The Beatles sings, "With a Little Help from My Friends". Thinking like that, the current relationship exactly supports me so much. The connections by others will (or "must") work as a force or medicine. Now I believe so.
I have never built anything in this life completely. Neither any family, nor any child, and my life goes on to its ending. But, although this might be just a quibble, I could have built this myself. Now I can proud of myself well. Of course, I never say I am perfect. I am just a weak, pervert, nameless person in Japan. Indeed, I might be special because I am an autistic person and different from others, but it doesn't mean I am a superhero. But within myself, even though this might sound too proudful, there must be a skill of my English through my 48 years life. Everyday I write my ideas on my memo pad in English, and I also do my diary in English too. Those processes have proceeded my English steadily. Besides it, there are some knowledge or wisdom from the memories of the books I have read, the music I have enjoyed, the experiments I have done as my work. I owe a certain responsibility to myself. I became an adult like this. Indeed, I am never a superman. Then, I say I have a tiny pride to be that kind of ordinary, nameless person.
I got a news that says Shiso International Association will held the English conversation class again. It seems corona panic is exactly ending therefore this kind of activities are possible to be started again. I am glad to hear that. I can remember that these events the Association held have given me really precious, celebrating moments. Today we did an usual meeting at night. A friend worked as a facilitator and showed night sky to enjoy stars in the universe on ZOOM. I rarely enjoy stars or intergalactic in my daily life. He told us that the stars are sending us messages through a really long time span as 10 billion years (meanwhile, our human being's time must be only 100 years). Recently I am enjoying the nature Shiso city provides, and today's meeting told me that watching stars like this will ease our minds certainly. And I felt really thankful for this precious moment of touching the unknown world. I hope I can enjoy the class because I would meet any new person there.
Going to the library, I borrowed Sartre's "Nausea" and Gregory Khezrnejat's "A Clearing". I read "A Clearing", and found it is a work to try to ask about the important issues. How can we go out from our mother tongue? How can we seek for our own roots? In this compact book, he tries to learn Japanese as a minor language for him, or learn Persian his father uses. Those activities consist his identity. The era is developing as a great diversity age, but English is also working as a global language that enables to make this world flatter. But the main character tries to go out or make a distance from any comfort zone of his mother tongue. It also makes me why I am learning English. Of course, we can learn English casually like a fashion or a way of killing time. I believe they can't be prohibited. But I love this compact one because he asks his identity's problem in such a sensitive and honest way.
