BGM: キセル - ハナレバナレ
Although this would sound ill, I think that today would be the last day of my life somewhere in my mind. Today this life would end... I have kept thinking like that and lived until now, this age. What will I think when I will die? I have will that I want to keep on thinking and writing if my brain still works. Once I read that Audrey Tang had said that "I don't have any long plan in my life, but just have every day's plan", "because you can't say how the future will be. I can't even say that I could live until that time". I was really impressed and felt that there can be another person who has the same idea. Like her, I do the things I can do every day or the things I should do. Just for today, doing ordinary things as usual.
Today I worked early. After work, I went to the library and borrowed Kenichiro Mogi's "The Brain and The Imagination". I have spent a long time reading books on brain science even if I am just an amateur. I think... no, I have just a dumb brain so I should say I "feel", that there must be really surprising facts about why my personality stays in my brain, this tiny thing. And also I am surprised that why my ideas flood next by next from the brain. This mystery can't be solved by anyone... at least, I can't solve that enigma of "myself". For me, I am enigmatic and also other people are enigmatic, therefore they are precious or sublime. Quoting Hisao Nakai, a Japanese psychologist, other people have their "universes" in themselves. That makes this world amazing.
Today, during the afternoon break, I thought about various things with the music by Kicell, Sunny Day Service, and Tokyo Shonen. According to Kousuke Kanemoto's book "Strangeness as orthodox", neurotypical people (or I might have to say "everyone") think "romance, money, and status" as precious things. My life doesn't have these things. I have never experienced any romance, and also I have no money and no status. I won't say I have chased these things seriously, but I have to admit that having a foolish idea like "I wish this diary would be published and become a million-seller". In short, I am also a chaser of "romance, money, and status". But I am an autistic person so they have a really strange shape in me as a wish or delusion. Oh, I am really an idiot. I must have been in an everlasting daydream.
I won't say that chasing "romance, money, and status" should be "stupid" or "foolish". I actually need money, and also (although this would sound uncool), I want to live in some romance (in short, I need a soulmate). Yes, I am also a greedy person who has full of desire. But I won't show that desire openly because I have precious friends. This might sound too beautiful, but I am not interested in an orthodox success story like "a great university to a great company". I am so weak that I can't live such a tough life. I just dig the field I have been interested in, and that's all. That's my life. I learn English, quit alcohol, and live steadily. Life goes on.
