Back To Life

Back To Reality

2022/05/14 English

I think about what 'self-confidence' means. Today my bike got broken, so I went to my workplace by my foot and talked with the staff of my group home about how we should do the next on LINE. I was asked what I wanted to do at that time, so I said the plans. I was surprised at the fact I could suggest plans one after another. I thought that this could be 'self-confidence'. In other words, I never try to show any 'fake' pride. The firm decision came from me naturally. I thought that might have a secret about 'self-confidence'. It might come from me like this naturally, without any intention.

As I wrote once, I think the lack of 'self-confidence' is not bad. It means that you look at yourself honestly and compare yourself with other people. You think that you can't accept yourself absolutely. I am less than others... But the 'self-confidence' might come from the compare with the past yourself, not the others. Now I can do such things and have various ideas about what to do... this is absolute 'self-confidence' I guess.

I read Brady Mikako's "I'm yellow and white, and a little bit blue 2". I felt the firm charm of this book. Her liberal son, herself, and her husband live within various episodes in this book. These tell me that they have a certain 'wisdom' of the bottom of society. It is different from academic wisdom. They live with a lot of wounds. They don't hide their 'uncouth' style of living and face the reality with smiles. Therefore their attitude shows smartness and toughness. I want to have that kind of smartness too. Of course, that smartness might not be remarkable, but it has a profound coolness.

I checked some points of the draft for the meeting about autism which I will attend tomorrow. After that, I read Temple Grandin's "The Autistic Brain" a little. Why was I born an autistic person? This brain sometimes drives me mad, but it also gives me a life with good taste. At my office, I am a nameless employee. but in my private time, I can feel relied on at private meetings or on WhatsApp and Discord. What a great gap! This gap reminds me of the movie "Searching for Sugar Man".