Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/11/06 English

Recently, I've read books instead of watching movies. Today I wanted to watch movies for a while, so watched "Our Little Sister" on Netflix this night. I like Hirokazu Koreeda's movies, and especially this "Our Little Sister" is the movie we can enjoy smoothly because it is not too serious (of course, although Koreeda's movies are always serious and have the topics of social problems, and these are his movies' charm). This watching was the second time for me and I thought again that it was a masterpiece. It has the beauty of four seasons' grace like cherry blossoms and liqueur of plum etc.

Once I read Keizo Hino's philosophical essay-like novel and found the description about the problem when the people (human race?) had found the concept of death and tried to describe it by using words. Death... When did I "find" the fact that we will die in the end? My death and others' death... When did I "find"? I'll die, the person in front of me will die too. How should I treat this cruel truth? Japanese treat this problem like the words "Everything must go". Or I can think as the human race evolves including this kind of singular death. These things were reminded of by me while watching that movie. Kirin Kiki showed a great "motherness" in there.

I'm writing this again and again... when I was a heavy drinker, I thought that my life could be enough if I could live 40 years. If I couldn't do anything great, that's my limit... and after my Waseda period, I had started working my current job at the current company. I still believed that I was not a person who would end this life at this sh*t state. I could or would become big... Yes, I could become an alpha blogger or alpha Twitter-er... But reality always defeats me. I had been suffered from the gap between this reality and my ambition of becoming big. This gap often (or all the time) made me sick...

Yes, even now I want to become big if I could. I want to show my reviews of movies or journals to many people more. Money? Fame? Of course, I want. But nowadays I don't feel I'm suffering from that gap between reality and my ambition (at least, I feel less pressure than in the past). Today I read my reviews of movies after the blank of a month. I thought that I'm a very bothersome person and I can't stop thinking about everything too passionately. Money and fame are, of course, a must. But I need more passion for thinking like this more than that kind of the must...