I started reading Levy Hideo's "Identities" which I had borrowed from the library with Souseki's novels. I knew Levy Hideo because I had read Masahiko Shimada's essays but I didn't read him because of my narrow view. So recently I read his books modestly and feel that I should follow him because of his stoic and humorous attitude. But I also think that I can learn English as sincere as him. For me, English is not a language I learn seriously for money. I've got it as a casual or cool language...
Why do I keep on writing English? Because It's simply sometimes the people who I want to read my articles can't read Japanese. I want to tell them my idea... In other words, I want to tell them the things I had learned or thought about in the Japanese cultural environment. So I don't learn English to survive in the English environment. Therefore I can't understand the problems the authors who learn English seriously have. For me, English is a way of expressing my ideas casually so I don't have to learn it hard.
I'm planning to write a letter to a person in English. A friend of mine recommended it to me. If I didn't know her, I couldn't have confidence in my English, therefore, I wouldn't write my articles in English. So she is a "fatal" person to me. She must be a person who walks in front of me in our lives. She is an "Onjin"... but this "Onjin" can't be explained in English easily. Of course, we have the word "benefactor" but it is not popular I think. I want to say "Onjin" more easily... from this point, we can see the difference in our ideas between Japanese and English?
Always I feel anxiety. Before my work, I think if I couldn't work as usual. Or before speaking English, I think if I couldn't speak. If I could no ideas to speak... but I can. Beyond my doubt, my body does my work and speaks English naturally. But I can't throw away this doubt. I think that is good. When I read Wittgenstein, I was moved because Wittgenstein doubts even the prediction that the sun will rise from the East tomorrow. I thought "Ah, this is the attitude of philosophy!". My head doubts but my body moves because of the signals outside of my body directly. This might be the essence of life.
