BGM: Ben Folds - In Between Days
At last, here comes June. Rainy season, "Tsuyu" comes. And also a typhoon is also coming. Indeed, I felt a little bit blue but I said to myself we would be able to enjoy the summer after this bothersome season. And also, I would be able to enjoy the English conversation class from next Tuesday... Suddenly I thought what I would do this summer. Since this time, I have kept working as usual. Even though summer vacation season comes, and Christmas comes, I have worked... besides that, I have attended the "danshu" meeting and also read books. Because it is difficult in my workplace to get so many days off, and also I am a sad autistic person therefore I can't break my steady everyday lifestyle. But this year, I want to go to Himeji. Indeed, actually going to Himeji means just "going to another city next to mine". But it sounds attractive for me to walk in Himeji town, visiting the Himeji castle, and going to the bookstore. I want to enjoy the urban mood. During that corona period, I had never visited Himeji. I will make a plan.
What does "extrovert" mean? Recently I have been attending the English salon and joining the English learners' rooms in clubhouse. My activities about English is becoming richer. But can I say that I am getting a "extrovert" person? This might sound unbelievable for you, but once I was never the person who showed this kind of "open-minded" attitude to the world positively. A Japanese phycologist, Tamaki Saito, said to us that people could be divided into two types. The one is "seeking-for-oneself type" and the other is "withdrawal type (in other words, 'hikikomori')". The "seeking-for-oneself type" people tend to go to travel or learn something to find the true themselves. They go outside actively. And the "withdrawal type" people tend to save their certain fields in their rooms... this is the main point of his theory (but I might misunderstand it because I had read it for over 20 years ago). Then, I am just a latter one. As The Smiths sings in their great tune "Ask", I enjoy my summer life in my room instead of enjoying any outdoor activities, and reading books or facing my personal computer quietly.
In other word, I have never thought the idea "seeking-for-myself", because I have been living my life with this self actually/clearly. Yes, it has been always with me. I never say that traveling or learning to explore one's interest or world are crap. They must be great activities. About this topic, all I can talk is just "my truth"... Me, I have had to face this "creepy" self which has come from autism. The self which has been different from others at every activity. The self which has tried to trace someone else but finally failed... But, from a certain point in my past days, I gave up at last as "I should give up because that's me". How hard I would try, I couldn't become a star. I couldn't be handsome or charming. And "C'est la vie". So I started living my life, my way to get "my own happiness"... Oh my. I lost what I had wanted to talk about. I think this is really cynical. Because I guess I am just an introvert "hikikomori", who just has stayed in my room and kept on tried to explore my own field. But now, people say I am extrovert.
This evening, I attended a meeting on ZOOM. Today we enjoyed chitchat as the meeting. We talked a lot actually. About Osaka castle and Himeji castle, and also about traditional beauty of those castles. We also enjoyed the English guide/translator's presentative talk. She taught us how hard she has been doing her efforts to do the best work. I was really impressed and thought "I have to follow her attitude". Keeping the health and gaining vitality, Trying to ask someone's needs instead of saying myself so aggressively, learning various things with curiosity. They are really important. And I though that this meeting could have such great chances to learn the stories from various "experts". Me, I am never the "expert" like them. This is a simple fact and not from my humility because it was just about 8 years ago when I had started English seriously like this. I am just an amateur. But when I was a heavy drinker, I had literally done nothing. I had lived my life wastefully... I thought I must be a survivor...
