2021/12/27 English

BGM: Oasis "Whatever"

Am I still dreaming? I'm thinking about this. A dream...that I want to be a pro writer and live by writing. The people who had achieved great works often talk about the power of keeping dreams. "I have a dream"... But the dream can be a curse. It can collapse our life. Even if in the case I should give up the dream, I can let myself down with it. Of course, if you are satisfied with keeping that dream, it might be OK, but... What should I do? Do I have to start my life normally after throwing it away?

I thought that I should learn English again from next year, or from now. How do people learn English? Or, I should ask this. Why do people learn English? I'm learning it but I don't use it in my daily life or work, so I just use it as my personal satisfaction... I might have to find any purpose in my life so I have to learn English and do with this ability. I should try TOEIC or attend some meetings on clubhouse in English. Then I can use it more.

Today I went out of my room to AEON as usual. There were various people. Workers of AEON, customers... Everybody buy something with money which is basically just paper. They speak empty topics as Heidegger says so and keep on their life... But of course, this might sound so insolent but thought they were lovely. Everybody lives their life seriously until they die. I remembered Souseki Natsume's novel "I am a cat". Everybody lives sad fate, but it's also sweet.

I write this journal based on the memo pad I'm writing in English. But reading the memo, I thought why I can read it. Nowadays I rarely use a dictionary to check English words. I don't translate any Japanese descriptions into English, but write natural expressions which come from "my body". Does it mean the rule of English has been installed in my unconsciousness? But how is getting the rule of language in myself? I should read Wittgenstein and Shigeki Noya again?

2021/12/26 English

BGM: ZABADAK "A Distant Music"

I'm thinking about the comment by someone I had met last Wednesday. "Have you thought about changing your job?". I still have the thing I want to do in my company so I'll keep on doing this job, but maybe I would live another life which could be different from this. Another life... I might be able to be married and have children. My career could be more "normal". Of course, I have a fit of certain jealousy if I read the stories on the website as LinkedIn. But I have chosen this life. I have to accept the causes of this life. I can't, and shouldn't, blame someone for this.

I remember... once I blamed this life for someone else (maybe for everybody). This life had been brought about by politics. Or the age or the company which hadn't valued my ability. Anyway, I shouldn't be wrong... I believed so. I might deny the fact that my choices make my life therefore must have a certain responsibility for the current situation. Blaming someone is easy... I had drunk a lot of alcohol and written enormous f--k on Twitter, and that was all... I remember. I don't want to go back to that period.

I'm still reading Douglas Richard Hofstadter's "Gödel, Escher, Bach". This book is trying to tell about the theory of our brains or minds. It is difficult to understand but this ambition and passion are marvelous. If I get tired of it, I read "The Mind's I" and Fernando Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet". Therefore nowadays I rarely use Twitter. I am satisfied with "venting" my truth to the users on Discord, so I don't need to tell the details of my life to many users. Ah, once I thought I was a "working poor" and wrote various shameful things...

I wanted to be an alpha blogger or alpha Twitterer. I wanted to be famous. Yes, anyway I wanted to be someone... so I did stupid things. I couldn't be satisfied because I had a big desire for recognition. Now I have a lot of crew from the "stop-drinking-alcohol" meetings or the group about autism. I am now satisfied because of it. So I have to think about why I write again. I might be alright even if I couldn't be famous or I hadn't become someone. I am just writing because I want to vent my disorder. Nowadays I can think that I want to give a certain place to my articles. I would keep on writing like this in the next year 2022.

2021/12/25 English

BGM: Tom Waits "Innocent When You Dream"

I read Douglas Richard Hofstadter's "Gödel, Escher, Bach" more. I have arrived at a part of the zen communication. This book seems to tell about the trial of finding any paradox in an order (For example, "This sentence is written by past tense" has a paradox but becomes a normal sentence). Hofstadter's writing analyses various paradoxes like that one by one, and he seems to try the possibility of human beings' ability to think from it. I guess that is the positiveness of this book. Reading this is just fun and also tells us various things.

If I get bored of reading it, I read Fernando Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet" which I had read little by little. I have read Pessoa's this book for a long time... I might have read this book four times. Someone said that my journal reminds him of Pessoa's writings. Of course, I appreciate that. But Pessoa's this book has a greatness that I can't achieve. I have to lose my words before this book's message that to live is to endure tiredness... What a melancholic point of view of life and the world! I also feel hard to live on so once I had drunk a lot of alcohol...

I made a record of the meeting I attend last Sunday. Ah, it's five years that I have committed to these meetings... it was when I was 40 years old, I stopped drinking alcohol and also I started committing to these meetings. My life turned out to be brighter. Once I gave up living and thought I could die anytime, or I should die alone... I almost forget these days. Ah, I was young and stupid. I never thought that this kind of thing can happen in life... As R.E.M. sings, "Life is bigger than you".

At last, I have not done anything special even if today was Christmas. I've done reading books as I usually do on a free off day and listening to music, these were all. Should I do something with my life? This meaningless life with no purpose... I have tried to learn French or read "In The Search Of Lost Time" completely. But I always choose instant pleasures. Next year, I would go abroad to study something? I would build a company!? ... These would end in vain so I give up. Life goes on...

2021/12/24 English

BGM: PERSONZ "Déjà vu"

This morning I took a long time to see what books I should borrow. What books do I want to read at the end of the year... I couldn't see what should be. There are too many books so I can't find a proper one I want... Finally, I borrowed Souseki Natsume's "The things I remember". I've already read this many times but it might suit the mood of this holy season. I read books but I have never read Souseki seriously so I can't be proud of myself. Next year, I would read Souseki completely! ... Almost every year I swear like this, but it had never come true. Ah, I want to read "Meian" next year...

The day... the day I had been told that I was an autistic person. Ah, the day I tried to finish this life. And then, I met my current friends... those days exist in my life exactly. Today, I had lunch and thought about that fact. It's needless to say but I have never wanted to be born an autistic person. So I might be an unhappy one. But this handicap itself told me a lot of things. If I didn't have this, I couldn't know various things and also meet various precious friends. So I can say that my life is "haha" funny. At least, it has an original taste. But I've got this thought after a long time struggle.

Everybody lives their own life. Everybody should die... That is the truth. But in these lives which we can't judge its length, people meet and fall in love. Sometimes they fight each other. They also do a lot of activities... a lot of creative things. I'm writing this journal but can't find the meaning of keeping on doing it. But friends read this. I also like writing and have been satisfied while writing it. Once, I had a serious struggle in my mind because I wanted to be a pro... I wanted to be big and get glory... The base of these ideas was the belief that I was a super unhappy person. I had serious jealousy for the people who could make successes.

Of course, jealousy can be the motivation that moves us. But once, I had hate and jealousy as the motivation for writing. Why am I super miserable? I thought so... but I found that writing must make me stubborn and unhappier. In this world, we use easy labels as "incel" or "lost generation". I had used these labels and written a lot of bubbly articles. Now I want to treat my uniqueness that these labels can't cover. For example, I want to read Souseki even if this world still goes forward. I want to be myself.

Ah, I forgot it. Merry Christmas!

2021/12/23 English

BGM: Ryuichi Sakamoto "Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence"

A manager of my company asked me to do work which needs my ability of English. This offer might vanish because it isn't formed as a formal work yet, but it might be a new work of mine. Of course, I feel thankful for that. I believe that is because of the people who supported me. I have been keeping on writing English in communities like Facebook, MeWe, Discord, WhatsApp... I want to be thankful for the members of them who have accepted that activity of mine and also given me various opinions. I haven't made practice by myself alone. I don't want to forget that fact.

But... I remember the days I had been drunk and thought that now is a miracle. Far from these terrible days... I have learned English literature in my college but there was no chance to use that knowledge. I had worried about my dumbness and wanted to run away from that fact, so I had drunk a lot. Oh, my terrible days... we often say that "There are just the walls which we can overcome". But I could stop drinking because I had a headache once. In other words, my will was not related to the action of stopping alcohol. Therefore, I can't proud of this. I did my activity with honesty and have lived as seriously as I can.

I'm reading Douglas Richard Hofstadter's "Gödel, Escher, Bach" step by step. This book has fictional parts and logical parts so can have entertainment essences which doesn't stop the reading. TBH, I almost skip reading the parts which need mathematical knowledge and thinking, but still feel the intensity of the intelligent thrill. It's also philosophical. What is self-reference? How is thinking logical? It brings me the taste of a Japanese novelist Enjoe Toh's works. It's serious and theoretical but also has a sense of humor, therefore charming.

If I get bored of reading it, I start reading "The Mind's I" again. What is the mind? What is myself? The authors look at these primal questions directly. That's excellent. These can be connected with the things I had while I had read books about the brain and the mind. It also can be connected with the difficulty I have had. I couldn't have lived smoothly in this society or the world... This world was already perfect and the existence of myself was just optional, or I was just an error... I thought so. Of course, my recognition of the world makes me know this world itself. So, in this way, I am a precious subject for me. And this can be said about other people, too. What a sublime solipsism! It is also mysterious and enigmatic.

2021/12/22 English

BGM: Venus Peter "Every Planets Son"

This morning I went to meet the main staff of my group home and spent money on the rent. I talked with her for a while. I brought a handout of my memo of the worrying and problems about my workplace which I wrote on my system note, and she said it was clear and easy to read. Once, some people had said my writing was very difficult. At that time I didn't have intimate readers so I wrote my articles into the void (what an extreme!). Now I can see the readers' faces so I can write for them smoothly.

After that, I went to the city office and met another person with the handout. There was worrying from a kind of my bias but we discussed well involving it. The person has been moving for me even if he must be busy, and of course, I thought I can trust him. He recommended I keep on writing my memo so I will keep on doing more from tomorrow. That person said to me, "Have you got interested in seeking another job?" as a small talk. Yes, it has the worth of thinking more. But I have more desire of doing some activities in my workplace. Even if I want to eat by writing my article, secretly...

Going to the library, I borrowed Douglas Richard Hofstadter's "Gödel, Escher, Bach". I started reading. I had learned about this book from Koujin Karatani's column, and TBH I have read it once. This book has various tricks and therefore is funny and easy to understand. It has quite a lot of topics and looks like the "Makunouchi" lunchbox. This author has huge knowledge and uses it fully with his entertainment spirit. An old one but still fresh. I will spend this busy "the end of the year" season with this or another book of an anthology "The Mind's I" which has Hoftstadter as one of the editors.

The night, I went to the "stop-drinking-alcohol" meeting. This one is the final one this year. I listened to other members' stories and got various clues of keeping being sober. I also talked as an ad-lib. Talking about something for others is, of course, embarrassing but a warm experience that makes my body and my mind comfortably warm. I was born an addicted person so I can never enjoy alcohol more. Of course, that's sad. But also I can meet other members of these meetings and have got my original happiness, so I thought that this life with saying farewell to alcohol has a unique taste. I had thought that death by alcohol in my 40 must be splendid, but over that age I still am alive. Prefab Sprout is right. Yes, it must be a "Life of Surprises".

2021/12/21 English

BGM: Pavement "Range Life"

Christmas is coming. For me, this year I will spend a "lonely Christmas" as usual. Probably I will listen to Jazz classics, read some books and watch some movies. I have watched Wayne Wang's movie "Smoke" every Christmas time as a kind of ritual. How should I do this Christmas? It suits Christmas pleasant times like Rakugo (Japanese traditional tellers' storytelling) and therefore one of my favorite movies. Once I thought the atmosphere of Christmas which forces us to spend time with an intimate lover because it must be a "love capitalism". But now I don't have such an idea. Of course, we can live without easy romance. But love must be a piece of a beautiful life. Can I love someone again in the future?

I heard the news that Kenji Ozawa's "The Dog Barks, But The Caravan Moves On". This album is quite a masterpiece of the 1990s for me. An evergreen one of my youth. I remember a Netflix original movie "We Couldn't Become Adults" by it. It's a little bit sad because it was too introspective and retrospective, but it tells the 90s graffiti and youth seriously and honestly. At last, an artist from us, a Japanese "lost generation", started looking back at our youth and telling the wisdom for surviving now as an adult... Of course, this kind of expression might exist already though.

This might can connect to the topic of Christmas I told above... I have not been interested in the happiness which other people decide. For example, I won't agree with the opinion that "we should spend Christmas time with a lover together". But also, I won't agree "we should spend Christmas alone against the love capitalism". Following the voice from inside of me, I do truly comfortable actions. I won't care about any exclusive or extreme opinions from the media (especially Japanese Twitter). I just read books, listen to music, watch movies. I just let exclusive opinions talk and do make my original way of life.

I read Natsuo Sekikawa's "The encyclopedia of late stages of the human life 2000-03". He tries to tell various "late stages" of famous people and also describes their whole lives from backward. Some of them show terrible "later stage". However, this might be not agreed by some readers, but Sekikawa tries to write the miserable scenery of their life clearly but also keeps a proper distance from them. I thought this must be Sekikawa's fatherly decent kindness. I want to read this work more but also am interested in Douglas Richard Hofstadter's "Gödel, Escher, Bach". I already know this... but, what a terrible cost performance!