Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/12/25 English

BGM: Tom Waits "Innocent When You Dream"

I read Douglas Richard Hofstadter's "Gödel, Escher, Bach" more. I have arrived at a part of the zen communication. This book seems to tell about the trial of finding any paradox in an order (For example, "This sentence is written by past tense" has a paradox but becomes a normal sentence). Hofstadter's writing analyses various paradoxes like that one by one, and he seems to try the possibility of human beings' ability to think from it. I guess that is the positiveness of this book. Reading this is just fun and also tells us various things.

If I get bored of reading it, I read Fernando Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet" which I had read little by little. I have read Pessoa's this book for a long time... I might have read this book four times. Someone said that my journal reminds him of Pessoa's writings. Of course, I appreciate that. But Pessoa's this book has a greatness that I can't achieve. I have to lose my words before this book's message that to live is to endure tiredness... What a melancholic point of view of life and the world! I also feel hard to live on so once I had drunk a lot of alcohol...

I made a record of the meeting I attend last Sunday. Ah, it's five years that I have committed to these meetings... it was when I was 40 years old, I stopped drinking alcohol and also I started committing to these meetings. My life turned out to be brighter. Once I gave up living and thought I could die anytime, or I should die alone... I almost forget these days. Ah, I was young and stupid. I never thought that this kind of thing can happen in life... As R.E.M. sings, "Life is bigger than you".

At last, I have not done anything special even if today was Christmas. I've done reading books as I usually do on a free off day and listening to music, these were all. Should I do something with my life? This meaningless life with no purpose... I have tried to learn French or read "In The Search Of Lost Time" completely. But I always choose instant pleasures. Next year, I would go abroad to study something? I would build a company!? ... These would end in vain so I give up. Life goes on...