Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/12/26 English

BGM: ZABADAK "A Distant Music"

I'm thinking about the comment by someone I had met last Wednesday. "Have you thought about changing your job?". I still have the thing I want to do in my company so I'll keep on doing this job, but maybe I would live another life which could be different from this. Another life... I might be able to be married and have children. My career could be more "normal". Of course, I have a fit of certain jealousy if I read the stories on the website as LinkedIn. But I have chosen this life. I have to accept the causes of this life. I can't, and shouldn't, blame someone for this.

I remember... once I blamed this life for someone else (maybe for everybody). This life had been brought about by politics. Or the age or the company which hadn't valued my ability. Anyway, I shouldn't be wrong... I believed so. I might deny the fact that my choices make my life therefore must have a certain responsibility for the current situation. Blaming someone is easy... I had drunk a lot of alcohol and written enormous f--k on Twitter, and that was all... I remember. I don't want to go back to that period.

I'm still reading Douglas Richard Hofstadter's "Gödel, Escher, Bach". This book is trying to tell about the theory of our brains or minds. It is difficult to understand but this ambition and passion are marvelous. If I get tired of it, I read "The Mind's I" and Fernando Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet". Therefore nowadays I rarely use Twitter. I am satisfied with "venting" my truth to the users on Discord, so I don't need to tell the details of my life to many users. Ah, once I thought I was a "working poor" and wrote various shameful things...

I wanted to be an alpha blogger or alpha Twitterer. I wanted to be famous. Yes, anyway I wanted to be someone... so I did stupid things. I couldn't be satisfied because I had a big desire for recognition. Now I have a lot of crew from the "stop-drinking-alcohol" meetings or the group about autism. I am now satisfied because of it. So I have to think about why I write again. I might be alright even if I couldn't be famous or I hadn't become someone. I am just writing because I want to vent my disorder. Nowadays I can think that I want to give a certain place to my articles. I would keep on writing like this in the next year 2022.