Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/12/24 English

BGM: PERSONZ "Déjà vu"

This morning I took a long time to see what books I should borrow. What books do I want to read at the end of the year... I couldn't see what should be. There are too many books so I can't find a proper one I want... Finally, I borrowed Souseki Natsume's "The things I remember". I've already read this many times but it might suit the mood of this holy season. I read books but I have never read Souseki seriously so I can't be proud of myself. Next year, I would read Souseki completely! ... Almost every year I swear like this, but it had never come true. Ah, I want to read "Meian" next year...

The day... the day I had been told that I was an autistic person. Ah, the day I tried to finish this life. And then, I met my current friends... those days exist in my life exactly. Today, I had lunch and thought about that fact. It's needless to say but I have never wanted to be born an autistic person. So I might be an unhappy one. But this handicap itself told me a lot of things. If I didn't have this, I couldn't know various things and also meet various precious friends. So I can say that my life is "haha" funny. At least, it has an original taste. But I've got this thought after a long time struggle.

Everybody lives their own life. Everybody should die... That is the truth. But in these lives which we can't judge its length, people meet and fall in love. Sometimes they fight each other. They also do a lot of activities... a lot of creative things. I'm writing this journal but can't find the meaning of keeping on doing it. But friends read this. I also like writing and have been satisfied while writing it. Once, I had a serious struggle in my mind because I wanted to be a pro... I wanted to be big and get glory... The base of these ideas was the belief that I was a super unhappy person. I had serious jealousy for the people who could make successes.

Of course, jealousy can be the motivation that moves us. But once, I had hate and jealousy as the motivation for writing. Why am I super miserable? I thought so... but I found that writing must make me stubborn and unhappier. In this world, we use easy labels as "incel" or "lost generation". I had used these labels and written a lot of bubbly articles. Now I want to treat my uniqueness that these labels can't cover. For example, I want to read Souseki even if this world still goes forward. I want to be myself.

Ah, I forgot it. Merry Christmas!