Life goes on brah!

2024/02/20 English

BGM: Blur - Parklife

Am I still a beginner about learning English? I am not joking. As I have written before, I started learning English at a junior high school when I was 13. And at a university I even chose English literature to study (I had even thought that I wanted to become a translator!), and after a certain blank I started learning English once again since I was 40. But, even though I have passed such a "long and winding road," I can't feel that I am a fluent or even an intermediate learner/speaker.

You may say this must sound as a daydream - but, TBH somewhere in my mind I want to keep on having a kind of "a spirit of a beginner". In other words, that can be a huge curiosity or a certain motivation. This idea might come from my childish character. Basically, even though you can think this is too much, I say I am childish therefore I can't stop thinking/asking about various things.

If I say I am a beginner, then it can mean that I am still young and immature about learning. In other words, I am incomplete about learning - even though actually my age is becoming 49 this year. About this, I choose to follow some ancient Asian (Japanese, and also Chinese) philosophical ideas. I translate one of them into English roughly - "The sun is setting, but the road still lasts (日暮れて道遠し)."

Today I worked early, and after that I went to the English class. This time, we learned about various traditions about celebrating birthdays. How can we celebrate them in their countries' manners? What kind of foods do they eat, and what kind of cards do they send? It was also an interesting lesson.

And when I think about this kind of topic, my idea finally comes to this conclusion. It is this - the power of our boundary/connection seems to be almost infinite. Looking back to myself, I couldn't have thought that I wanted to learn English again at 40 if I had been still alone. At that age, I met a friend of mine. She praised my English - and I decided to learn again. Therefore I want to "taste" this kind of opportunities of learning preciously, one by one. And my learning still goes on...

2024/02/19 English

BGM: XTC - English Roundabout

Recently, I went to the bookstore at AEON and tried to find out any new books to learn English more effectively (and also, just for a pure pleasure for reading them.) And I've found out that there are so many books. Mainly those ones have been written by various famous people who teach at their own schools, and also have their YouTube channels. I was really impressed by those numerous books, and finally bought a book for my personal pleasure of reading and learning.

How have I been learning English as my own method? Looking back this, I find out that in this internet era I use various tools to do it besides reading books. For example, I do enjoy chatting in English on Discord, MeWe, WhatsApp and Telegram. And also, I attend this city's English class. Literally, my daily life has been consisted by the essence of English.

But, why can I keep on having a certain motivation for learning English? I can't see. I just have been following/chasing my own interest preciously, and that's all. In other words, I do what I want to do. Yes, about learning English I become really selfish, and also greedy enough with following/digging my own interest (it can contain various issues. For example, today I talked about Pink Floyd's songs with a friend. Or I shared the pic of a Japanese lunch, etc.)

My mentors say I am simply/truly talented about using languages. How do you think? You might say I'm only making a lie, but about this topic I just say this - I have never trusted my talent of using languages, instead I just have tried to believe my own hunch. Sorry for the abstract topic - Talking about learning English, my thought tends to be too difficult, even though I know truth is always really simple.

Today, I went to the hospital to see my doctor. It was a day off so from afternoon to evening time I could enjoy my free time, and so I took a really deep nap. This evening, I wrote an English article for the class's homework. Yes, all I have been doing is what EVERYONE can do... There must never be any royal way to master English. I believe so as one of my important beliefs.

2024/02/18 English

BGM: Steely Dan - Deacon Blues

It was a day off, and this morning I enjoyed chatting with a girl this morning. She says she comes from Norway - and I find that now I have really many friends at various places on this globe. For example, France, England, America, Indonesia, India, Russia, etc. As you see, these people are different from each other, but we can be connected as the one point - we are learning English (even though our purposes can have a certain difference as a variation.)

This morning, we enjoyed the monthly online meeting about autism. This time, I did my task/work as a host there. Although I have made a rough paper of timetable, when we started the meeting I found that I must control almost everything at there with a responsibility attitude. Whose opinion should be needed now? How many minutes (or seconds) are left as the rest? What do I have to tell the other members to make a path to start a new conversation? etc...

TBH, this time I have done this role of this meeting's host for the first time so it was really difficult for me (although the members actually supported me enough.) But, I tried to let my hunch/inspiration talk to the others like when I speak English. This might sound really strange to you, but I often find out that "it" actually start speaking when I speak English. "It" is like an existence within the connection of this mind and this body, not my brain.

At that meeting, I also taught the others about my story/presentation which I had done at last Thursday's another meeting. Some members gave me their honest opinions. Could I afford each member to speak their true opinions freely? Oh, the first experience of being a host has been a nervous experience, but I can have enjoyed enough. Thank you for the other members' kindness!

After that meeting, I went to AEON to have lunch. After having it, I started reading the journal of a Japanese author Kazumi Saeki (OH! Now I am completely free from any tasks I should owe.) and thought - I want to share various Japanese books' covers by taking their pics as a tiny pleasure, because I guess these books' covers must have been from a heritage of great artworks enough.

2024/02/17 English

BGM: R.E.M. - Be Mine

I worked early today. During this morning's work, I had this idea. What would happen if I chose the life as a hikikomori (which means social withdrawal)? This question also means this one. Why do I keep on working? Even though I can stay at home with throwing any duties of mine.

About this topic, I remember a friend of mine who was once a hikikomori too. Therefore, I won's say that any hikikomori life must be prohibited. People tend to face many/numerous troubles of their lives to live on, therefore they might have to live as a hikikomori. Looking back to my own personal/past life, I find that I could live such an isolated life by chance - but I am now working finely.

I ask this to myself again - why couldn't I choose the life as a hikikomori even though I won't believe it must be bad? I can't see, but one reason why I can suggest is because basically I am just a pure, 100% autistic person therefore I can't stay within my room quietly at last. I need to look at this fact - I can't stay still even though I am in my cozy room. And it might be a true misery/tragedy for me as Pascal says.

Looking back to my past, I can remember that in my 30s I had been really living the worst days like hell. But although everything had been such a messed state, I couldn't stop working because my parents were at that time really aged enough so couldn't help me with their money. I tried to keep on working - and finally, I had to get broken completely within my mind.

In the end, I had to stop working anymore for about three months (imagine what I had done, please.) Now, writing this, I can see that must have been the bottom of my life. But anyway, all I can write is this - even though I had to endure such a miserable state of mind, I can't stay still because (maybe) my brain has certainly an autistic character.

A friend of mine told me about his planning of staying in Japan this spring, so I asked this to my friends - Oh, I have to say that NOW I am really, a super active person. I remember the movie "The Crying Game". In this world, this kind of natural character must exist...

2024/02/16 English

BGM: Blur - Popscene

Recently, I started thinking this - How do they find their own usage of memo to manage/control their tasks/schedules? As I have already written in this journal many times, I usually use a memo pad "Mnemosyne" to write down various pieces/fragments of ideas. A friend of mine, Slang-Eater, had said to me I should buy a diary book, so I googled and found an idea of "Bullet Journal". I need to learn about it more.

TBH, basically I am just an introvert person with a really scattered/messed hentai mind, so can't keep on doing one thing steadily with any great passion. I won't lie about this. You might already have known this fact about me by this journal (how many books I usually try to read at once!) But, although this fact has been very, absolutely strange even for me, I have been writing this journal for about 2 years, which actually/always has been working for me as a certain mental treatment.

This morning, I've read a book by Haruo Erikawa (江利川春雄『英語教育論争史』, about "Battle of English Education in Japan".) It tells us about how ancient people have discussed learning English as a national educational project. As you know, English is not our mother tongue and it is really/completely a different language from Japanese (so the author says to us that it is "super-difficult" for us to master.) So they have been discussed many times to think about how effectively we can learn it.

The book let me think about how I learn English once again. I will become 49 this year (the age a Japanese legendary (or national) author Souseki had passed away.) Simply, I am not so young and absolutely free from schools. So, I can spend my time learning it as a pure pleasure, not for any duties. Indeed, sometimes I with I could go back to my drunken days and learn English from that point. But anyway, from now I want to climb my own mountain to the top.

Today, I could enjoy my work (I met my job coach at the workplace.) but it seems there is no space to write it completely. OH! I have to build the plan by any notebooks as I have written above. What a messed head!

2024/02/15 English

BGM: The Style Council - Headstart For Happiness

I worked early today. After that work, I went back to my group home and prepared for the meeting I would have the evening. At 7:30 pm, the meeting has been started. I told the other members how I had spent my days recently. For example, I celebrated my friend's birthday, had a stick sushi (ehou maki), heard a friend of mine had passed away, went to enjoy a meeting for English learners in this town, and also attended the English class at night, etc.

Although I had made an instant, easy draft for this event, I couldn't think of how I speak/tell as a presenter. So when the meeting started, I just let my words out of my mouth as my hunches whisper. After my telling, the other members started telling their opinions about it. It seemed that they could get pleased about this presentation, and it seemed to be provoking for them to think about something, too.

Their opinions - one of them was that we often need the place to be as an instant nest (or an alternative home.) as a pub and/or a café, etc. Indeed, for me the libraries and AEON are the places, where I can enjoy my thinking and also reading without spending money too much at. And also, for me the "danshu" meeting and the English class are also great opportunities to let my worries/sorrows away. Then, these activities are working to me as a kind of great medicine.

And also, a member taught us about her idea of learning/using English. In English, we sometimes say as "it impressed me a lot" instead of "I was really impressed". In Japanese, this kind of expressions are really unique so sometimes it needs a certain time for us to use it flexibly. Why can I use it as this? I could have mastered that kind of clues of English writing? Yes, it has been provoking to me, too.

After that meeting, I slept for a while. Another friend lined me about the next meeting about autism. I have been tired so much, and I could do nothing this evening. No books came into my mind, so I went to bed (Thank you for your participating this meeting). Life goes on, brah!

2024/02/14 English

BGM: John Lennon - (Just Like) Starting Over

Going out from my parents' house, I returned to my group home at about 10:30. On the bookshelf of my room, I had found some Japanese paperbacks by Yukio Mishima so I brought them to this home, and I swore to myself that I need to throw these books away eventually, because these books can stop my moving freely if I strictly treat them as a kind of Linus's blanket. Slowly, and eventually, I will try to read them from now.

I went to a gas station, then a staff gave me a pack of chocolates. Yes, this is Valentine's Day. I also went to the library, and at there I borrowed two books. One of them was a Japanese one "The Book of Depression (『鬱の本』)", which looks like an anthology about the relationship of depression and reading. Me, what books would I read if I get depressed so seriously? I ask this to myself...

Once, when I had lived in that parents' house in my 20s and 30s (yes, when I had been a terrible, miserable heavy drinker,) I hadn't enjoyed reading so much. But, at that period like hell, I had chose some books out of curiosity - One of them was Frankel's "Man's Search For Meaning." By reading it, I had seriously asked to the sky - Does this life have the worth to live? Can I say yes to this life? I have remembered this...

BTW, because of my childish tendency to procrastinate, I had a few tasks more to do (one of them was going to a gas station I have written above.) I have to google how to create my own meeting place on zoom next Sunday, and also write the rest of the draft to the presentation I will do tomorrow. But my autistic head often (yes, SO often) forgets them. Do I have to buy a new notebook to manage my schedule or the list of tasks (so-called "to do")?

After having dinner, I went to the "danshu" meeting. At there, I told other members about the homecoming I had done. It certainly made me lighter. Coming back to my home again, I enjoyed reading a Japanese book. There are still many books I want to read... some are to cure my depressed mind, and others are to enjoy out of curiosity. I would try Samuel Beckett if I would be able to remember this near the future.