跳舞猫日録

Life goes on brah!

2023/01/30 English

BGM: Spiral Life - Another Day, Another Night

I learned an important concept "basic trust" from psychologist Erickson. This means the trust that "I'm the one and only precious person", and this has been built by the relationship with my parents. I was loved by my parents, but also I had been blamed by classmates as a strange kid therefore I couldn't learn this "basic trust" in myself. I thought that I was a weird creature, and it took a long time to learn the pride which says "I am me though everyone blames me terribly". That pride also enables me to accept other people's characters. Indeed, I have still not learned it, but I think I got better.

Today I worked late. This morning, I read Tetsuya Furuta's book "This game has no goal". It contains a really thrilling discussion and also logic is very clear. It grips me well. The author's daughter made a lie, and it starts this book's discussion. The lies which are contained in our communication, and the uncertainty... are the topics of this book. We tend to think from those kinds of experiences that "this person is telling me a lie?" or "this person is hiding his honest opinion?", and we easily become doubtful. But those doubtful attitudes couldn't become productive. We need communication even if it would contain uncertainty, and that is real life.

I thought about myself. As I wrote several times, I was once terribly doubtful for other people, this world. I am an autistic person so I can't read other people's minds, and I also got ashamed because I couldn't read the context during the conversation with other people. I couldn't (or can't) read the lines... "everyone hates me". I believed so and was soaked in the sea of books and music lonely instead of making friends. Now I can see that it was wrong. My parents and some classmates might love me. But according to me, I was hated by everyone and I should go away. Why does that situation provide me the "basic trust"?

I have been raised with the comment "being honest is beautiful". I am trying to be honest even now. But that honesty would work dangerously. When I try to do job hunting, I have to say that "your company is the best one I want to join" (although the person from the company won't believe this seriously). If I was in love, I would say a lie "I swear eternal love". Telling lies mean that I have paradoxical opinions in me. I can't do so. But I won't say that I am "therefore" a saint. Having paradoxical opinions would show the evidence of the power human being can have positively. I can't be so strong, so I have to live like Charlie Brown.

2023/01/29 English

BGM: Massive Attack - Be Thankful For What You've Got

Today was a day off. This morning I went to the library and borrowed Kunio Suzuki's book. It reminds me of my teenage days... when I was a high school student, I was into ultra-leftism. As I always write, I was bullied heavily to empower my aggressiveness. But I didn't study leftism so much. I just got crazy about Yoshinori Kobayashi's cartoon and pretended to be a patriot. A patriot with left... in short, I was an idiot. I still feel ashamed about that, and it brings us the lesson that "enduring loneliness too much would affect you a lot".

And I went to Waseda (for a really enigmatic reason) and suffered from a serious identity crisis. I saved and built myself with hate for the outside, so my belief was "everyone is my enemy". But entering Waseda I found that everyone from all of Japan (some were even from foreign lands) is just an ordinary person. They treated me naturally so I had to throw the belief "everyone is my enemy" away. Then, I had to face that I had never learned how to see other people. How could I open my mind and show my kindness to others? I couldn't do such an easy action, so I just had to face I could even no greeting to them. I couldn't make friends at all.

It was really dangerous I guess. I would become a "net-uyoku (almost the same meaning as "alt-right")" if the time was different. I could believe something passionately, and it would make me hate everyone. Literally, everyone could be my enemy and just I would live alone... this idea was from the book "My father became "net-uyoku"" I found at the library (of course, I want to read). In a conclusion, I have not become "net uyoku". I just became an adult with incomplete leftism. I would become like a criminal who caused the Akihabara massacre or who killed Shinzo Abe in the street. I strictly believe so. I would do something fatal I guess.

At last, I went back to my home town. I started thinking that I could write a novel. It would attract everyone's interest, so my life could make a kind of grand slam, therefore, I would be a millionaire (oh no, I find that I was really crazy!). But in fact, I couldn't write anything and was soaked in alcohol. It was life with embarrassing events like Osamu Dazai's novels. Now I belong to the "danshu" meeting and also other groups and have many friends so I caught certain happiness. Through the meetings with those friends, I accepted myself totally and could throw away my childish wishes and beliefs like "I am almighty", "I have talent", and "I am a genius (just this world won't accept it)"... I think that I am a lucky person. A really lucky person.

2023/01/28 English

BGM: フジファブリック - 桜の季節

"Go home" and "Die soon". TBH I sometimes hear those comments to me. Indeed, it is not real. Just phantom. Now no one says that kind of thing to me. But once I was hated terribly and blamed a lot because of my existence. It has been still left in me. Once I remembered this trauma and was haunted by hate, and even imagined I would revenge them. I would hit them, set fire to their homes... I had a huge rage and was soaked in alcohol. I did nothing wrong then why did I have to see such terrible things? Hate was an intimate friend to me at that period... but now I have never imagined that. Life goes on and seasons change.

This afternoon I ate lunchbox with Kaseki Cider's music, who is a Japanese hip-hop artist. I heard that he is influenced by Motojiro Kajii, a Japanese legendary writer. I was impressed by his great tunes quoting Kajii's sentences and said fluent lyrics. Motojiro Kajii... great. I have Kajii's paperback I once bought cheaply from a used bookstore. I read it once and was deeply impressed. Reading his "Under Sakura trees", I remembered that I had been also impressed by Sakura's blooming because it seemed that Sakura's great vitality. I always think that it must be sublime so I can't stand close to it. Kajii writes that the blooming's beauty is because of the body under those trees. I can see that... this kind of idea might be the reason why I have been bullied.

Recently heavy snow affected my life, therefore, I can't ride my bike. So I go to the workplace on foot. It takes only 10 minutes to go but it makes me tired because of my fat body. Returning to my group home, I slept well. Just I slept, and also read Hitoshi Nagai's "Philosophical Investigations". I am this person and no one else. In short, this person who is writing this diary, watches weird videos, reads Hitoshi Nagai, and listens to Fujifabric. That's me. I have to be surprised at these activities. That confusion is in me... and this myself is also a single person for others. Other people have other personalities, and they are in this world. That makes me impressed. What a rich world it is.

In the 50s, I start thinking "how many Sakura I would be able to watch in this life?"... once I just believed without any sentimental emotion. "This life is over", "I don't care about my future, I would die alone so I decided to enjoy it now"... and I drank a lot. Now I feel a different opinion. "I just quit alcohol today. Just today". I can't see what this life would be like. I just do what I can do, and live every moment preciously to tomorrow. I believe that tomorrow would be a nice day. I enjoy Motojiro Kanjii, and also enjoy amazing music. Fujifabric, Spitz, and Sunny Day Service. Reading Ango also would be nice... my imagination increases.

2023/01/27 English

BGM: Polaris - 季節

I have loved pop music since I was a kid. When I was a high school student, I wanted to share my taste so joined a broadcasting club once. But my taste wasn't accepted by the other members. At that time, the cool musicians were George Michael, Phil Collins, etc. I had never listened to them so our tastes were completely different. And my taste was denied so I quit that club. I decided to pretend to act dead in the corner of a classroom until I left the school. As I wrote this once, I closed my mind because I thought I never needed any friends. I just went into the sea of books like Haruki Murakami, Banana Yoshimoto, Masahiko Shimada, etc. I was just such a great idiot.

Today I worked late. This morning I tried to read a book as usual, but I couldn't so just read Hitoshi Nagai and Kazuhiro Uchida's "Philosophical dialogues for children" randomly. In this book, Nagai writes "You are OK even though no one understands you". When I read this part for the first time as a college student, I was really impressed by this. No one understands me, but so what? I need no friends and I would live as a heresy... I read this part like this and chose to live my life alone. But now, I think that it must be wrong, or at least, it's a sad life. Now I think I need some friends. As an autistic person, I have kept on thinking about how living as an individual would be so I started thinking like that.

Now I read Hitoshi Nagai's writing like this. In short, being understood is important. Committing to others is really important... so I have a different opinion from Nagai. But I shouldn't sell my soul and open myself too much. I shouldn't give the important thing in myself to others... or I have to admit that I can't live such a life. Probably I might understand that I am just a freak, a heresy, a strange person. But that strangeness must be unique. Real friendship is between such a unique person to person. Having a unique individual personality is important, and it would bring me true friendships... once I misunderstood that and made many enemies. It was a hard time. Now I have many friends. What a comical life! I have always been a heresy.

This evening I learned that Kunio Suzuki had passed away. Once I was a fan of Yoshinori Kobayashi's manga. I learned Kunio Suzuki's opinions in that manga. When I was a college student, I read his columns in weekly magazines and was impressed by his personality and tenderness. I wrote my columns about the scenery of Waseda and sent them to Suzuki. Oh my gosh! I was really young. But Suzuki sent me a tender response to me and it impressed me again. I hope he read my bad writings with a smile... I would live my life as a poor leftist, but I want to follow Susuki's brave and soft attitude. I pray for him. RIP.

2023/01/26 English

BGM: 小沢健二 - 天使たちのシーン

TBH, although I feel this is shameful, I think that there is a really "low" wall between death and life in my mind. No reason, but when I get bored or tired, I have an idea like "everything is over" and "I want to die soon". Of course, it's just a silly and instant idea (I know how I am rugged because I have been treated like this myself for 48 years). But when I was a heavy drinker, this wall was lower than now and I even thought that "the time was wrong for me", "I want to die with alcohol", and "If I could bear in another time again, then I would like to be happier". These ideas make me feel embarrassed again.

Still heavy snow affected us. Yesterday we had the "danshu" meeting on LINE as a "remote" meeting, and a new member also came so we could enjoy it. In this "danshu" meeting, I talked about my personal life and the memories of when I was a heavy drinker. Although I feel the same idea when I write this diary, to write and confess can make our "unseen" things or "unknown" opinions which were in our minds clearer. Learning that kind of "unknown" ourselves would become a great curing for us. So we have to be open to that "unknown" ourselves and accept it however it would be. Wait for that steadily, and be open. Don't worry. I have to live just for today. I never drink alcohol just for today.

This afternoon, a friend of mine who is connected with me through the meeting about autism shared a pic. The pic of the bud of Sakura. I guess that it was taken at AEON I often go to, but I have never seen that bud so got impressed. Although it is a big cold wave that would come once in a decade, Sakura is waiting for the coming spring with that bud. The everlasting scenery of nature and its slow movements of it made me think that our human being's fast movements are in contrast. How will I spend my time when Sakura will bloom? I would enjoy Sakura watching instead of reading books. Under a Sakura tree, turning my smartphone into manner mode, I would spend the time doing nothing... but I'm a bookworm so would bring Nietzsche or Wittgenstein there.

Afternoon break I spent time with Motoharu Sano's "Rock'n'roll Night". I remembered I had adored the youthful days this song describes. When I was a teenager, I expected how my life would be when I become an adult. At least, I had a certain hope because I would be able to escape from being bullied or misunderstood... and I found that my 20s and 30s were more terrible because of alcohol addiction. At that period, I never imagined that I would quit alcohol and start writing my diary. How could it be possible? I guess that I would start another event when I become my 50s. Maybe I would start agriculture... Ah, I remembered that I had wanted to live until my 40s. So the fact that I am still alive is really precious. I would live until my 100s as an anarchy old dude.

2023/01/25 English

BGM: 核P-MODEL - Big Brother

In the morning I woke up and found the brilliant snow country. As every morning's duty, I went to Lawson, bought a bottle of coffee, and wrote this diary with that coffee. On Facebook, I watched various friends' pics of snowing. It seems that my friends who are connected with me in the real world experienced snowing a lot. Although it was a day off for me, this heavy snow seemed to distort my instinct so I couldn't read any books. I just chatted with my friends on Discord, and also slept again. Suddenly I thought about learning "fresh" English through this kind of chatting. Is it good or bad? Actually, I met a slang "asf" so started thinking that.

Although it might be a clear fact, learning English is not a "room" study. A Japanese legendary writer Shuji Terayama said "Throw the books away, go to the town" (it is embarrassing but I have never read him). He is right because we have to go outside and talk to learn English. But that kind of communication might bring you some bad events. You might be said the terrible word "f*ck" which would be never taught by teachers, or clearly, people laugh at your awkward English speaking. Yes, we can say "endure" to that cases, and we might need that toughness to keep on learning. But I thought that getting tough like that would lose something important. I remember Tao Pai Pai from "Dragon Ball".

This afternoon I could do nothing therefore spent my time loosely. Today would be a totally wasted one, but this snow was the one that harmed my day... Thinking that accidentally I remembered I had never read the book "1984" by George Orwell which I had bought once. I bought this because it had been a bestseller in Japan, but I never felt I wanted to enjoy it. But this reading impressed me a lot. It was really fresh. Of course, we can enjoy it as the one predicting the current situation. But I accepted this book as criticizing my policy of life I believed. Quoting Kafka, I try to describe that policy as "Help the world if I and the world would battle".

You might think that it is enigmatic. In short, I thought that "Change me if I have any complaint in this world". In other words, I would never be able to change the situation without moving myself and complaining to others. So I change my lifestyle with the trial of quitting alcohol and living every day steadily. But in "1984", the characters try to adapt themselves to the total nonsense of "2+2=5", and finally started to obey Big Brother. It is quite grotesque scenery, and also told me that I could make a fatal mistake. But then how could I do? I am actually writing my diary as Winston Smith. Leaving the facts I have felt with this skin every day. That would be a tiny resistance against that situation. Although I have never imagined that my action could be.

2023/01/24 English

BGM: UNICORN - ヒゲとボイン

As the weather news said, it started snowing this evening. It got thicker step by step so I had to walk to return to my group home. Upon returning back, I went to the library and borrowed Hideo Kobayashi's book "The clue of thoughts". Arrived at the group home, I got tired and wanted to do nothing, so I read that Hideo Kobayashi's book loosely. Today is the day we have the first session of the English conversation class, but this snow stopped it so we will have the first one the next week. Luckily, tomorrow is a day off. I want to spend my free time with that Hideo Kobayashi's book or Fernando Pessoa's "The Book of Disquiet" (although I have read this many times). Ah, I can remember that I used to drink a lot when I watched such heavy snow...

English has the words to describe the Japanese word "Kokoro". "Kokoro" means our mind and/or heart. Quoting from the book by Mark Petersen, "mind" is the "Kokoro" based on logical thinking, and "heart" is from emotion or feeling. TBH once I learned English literature at a university and have learned it for about 30 years, but still I can't distinct these "mind" and "heart". Today I thought about the "Sally–Anne test" and the words "you never understand another person's 'Kokoro'!", and faced this issue. "Another person's 'Kokoro'". Can we see that kind of thing? And I suddenly thought about how it could be in English.

I'm basically human so that kind of comment hurts my "Kokoro". "'My Kokoro' hurts"... I can see which word I should use in this case, because this says "my feeling hurts" so "heart" is the word. But then, I should use "heart" to describe another person's case because I can't read how that person feels in their feeling? Or I should use "mind" because I can't read their logical opinion? I wondered so much so asked my teacher in English conversation class. She said I can use "heart" in such a case, and it fits in my "Kokoro". But I still am wandering a little. Probably that is the evidence of being an autistic person I guess.

I don't know about the "Sally–Anne test" to explain to you well. Just I want to say that autistic people have a handicap for reading other people's thoughts so sometimes they do strange things. Indeed, I have often been blamed as "an idiot who can't understand other's 'Kokoro'". Me, I have thought about why their moods change so often. Ah, once I even wished I could be a machine instead of having this "Kokoro" (emotion and ration), and believed that it must be a strength. But now I never think so. If I threw my "Kokoro" away forever, I would lose something important. Like Tao Pai Pai from "Dragon Ball", who wished to be stronger and threw away the precious pride as a fighter (Sorry for this minor example!)