Back To Life

Back To Reality

2022/01/17 English

Yesterday I enjoyed the meeting about autism. Maybe because of that, today I felt blue in the morning. I felt sick but I went to AEON because I could do nothing if I didn't eat something. At AEON, I wrote what I was feeling on my memo pad. In short, I did my routine. It's my private memo pad so I wrote a lot of selfish things. I got surprised by the words which come from me. I thought I would be alright if words still come from me. There is the source in me which contains the energy... it's instinct or curiosity?

I'm thinking about a student who attacked other people at Tokyo university. All I know is just the information news programs or the internet says, but I felt sad that he wanted to become a doctor and couldn't study well. Of course, if his effort makes his dream come true, that is awesome. But those kinds of uncontrollable facts make our lives profound I guess. I don't know how he was educated and what point of view he had, but I think it's foolish that he did that kind of injury because of those uncontrollable things. Although it sounds cruel...

I know the hardship of studying for joining university. It might be said that I was a successful person because I could join a good university. But joining a good university was not good for me. I don't think it made me happy. Good university and good company... are "decided" happiness I think. Of course, if you can believe that "decided" happiness can be your happiness, you should follow it. But if it isn't, you should chase your original happiness. I think my happiness is reading books and chasing my truth. I am doing so therefore I feel happiness.

I started attending the meetings about autism, and made a lot of "mates". With them, I have seen a lot of the scenery that people show their good characters and charms. They are quite unique people. I shouldn't hesitate to show myself. The things that flood me have the worth to be shown in this world... Life might be the process we chase our original and true happiness. We can decide what could be our happiness by ourselves. Ah, writing and sharing something as this let me live... I feel that.

2022/01/16 English

I've read Yoshikichi Furui's "Karioujyouden Shibun" completely. But my reading was not done with a quiet attitude. I just read the book which was half done because of getting bored. So I can't proud of it. After that, I read Fernando Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet". For me, reading something means killing boredom like this... I feel embarrassed. Just trying to cure my hardship because of this sober life. Or maybe does living itself mean killing boredom? This kind of extreme thinking leads to bad results...

I've read "Karioujyouden Shibun" eight times. I find new things by reading the book every time. I can't memorize that so I will keep on doing such a bad-cost reading. I want to write like him but I can't. I don't have any knowledge or talent. In addition, I can only write my Japanese. I should keep my adore as itself quietly, and walk my way only. Like that, I tried to read Koutarou Sawaki or Susumu Sogo and spent the night.

Today was the day of the meeting about autism. Every member brought their topics as problems or worries and talked about them. I brought there my problems with work. Various opinions came from them. I felt thankful because they gave me their wisdom. I have worked at my company for over 20 years so I don't know other companies. So the member who has their experience at other ones gave me precious advice. I want to use them. How should I do? Of course, it can't be changed in only one day.

Cleaning the room or using money were also the topics. Various opinions appeared. I found that these opinions were trying to open the problems which were hidden but exactly existed (we say it as "an elephant in a room"). So, writing about how we use money is the way to solve that problem. And using labels that say what is contained in various cases is also the way. Both are the way to try to "visualize". These ideas were said. I can't control my room or my money so this advice was hurt. I want to use that advice without stress.

2022/01/15 English

BGM: Soul II Soul "Back To Life"

Yesterday I wrote as "I might catch a cold". After that, nothing happens seriously. But after today's work, nothing seemed to be done as of today's routine. No energy in myself... so I didn't watch any movie and just lie on the bed reading Susumu Sogo's "Can't Live Without Movies 1999-2002". I googled and found that he seems to be not quite a popular writer. But I still feel that he is an awesome person who embraces me. I could be a cool person like him when I would be the 50s... He is a kind of "role model" for me.

I heard a piece of terrible news. A teenage guy who attacked other people because he couldn't study well to join any good university. I don't know the details of that case so I have to say my opinion with my imagination only. I know the narrow point of view as teenagers often have. They live the period of simulating their life after graduating from universities with their heads only. Before they live actually in society... In short, they are too serious and nervous. Life after graduating from university is longer than the period of education. Don't worry.

Even I think I should hurry. My 20s or 30s would be different from this... I even think that I could live a better life if I could get a fine job, and be given a bright future. But I remember the TV program "Shout! Bronde teacher" which had Dorian Sukekawa as a host. He once talked about Tom Waits and told us that Tom had a career that he couldn't say getting success even he got the middle of his 30s. He lived full of trouble. There can be "No hurrying life". I had learned it from that program.

I even graduated from Waseda, but it never made my life happier. What university you have gone through is not important. But every time you are where and do what, or what do you want to do is important. Now I write journals or novels like this and talk about the jobs and the private problems with my friends. I never can do hobbies that need money but it's OK. I will enjoy reading books in libraries. Or I will enjoy music and movies with the subscription. Now I don't want to be an ideologue on Twitter. This is me.

2022/01/14 English

BGM: The Beatles "A Day In The Life"

I keep on reading Susumu Sogo's "Can't Live Without Movies 1999-2002" and also read Maylis Besserie's "Le Tiers Temps". The latter is a novel about the late stage of life of Samuel Beckett, who is well known as "Waiting For Godot", as a simulation. It seems that I should read Beckett more for a while. Beckett's novels and plays are very difficult to read so I once had tried to read and couldn't. It might be different from that time if I read now? I want to seek his books in a library.

Reading that book of Susumu Sogo, I found the part about 9.11 in his 2001's article. How can we face terrible terrorism as 9.11? I wish we could talk with others/enemies calmly. But it can be dissed as I have never known the reality of terrorism. This might sound bold, but kindness in me can let me say that kind of dream tale. But that kind of kindness can cause terrible results. How should I face terrorism? Or how can I face the difficulty of my life? I thought about them.

"Can't Live Without Movies 1999-2002" has a very thick book which has about 600 pages long. It's like a dictionary. If I put it in my bag, the bag becomes very heavy. And I put "Le Tiers Temps" and Koutarou Sawaki's "The sight of the road", so it becomes heavier. But I can't stop putting them in the bag. Autism... is not suitable for this case as an excuse, but I'm a weak person and my mind is scattered with various interests. So many books in my bag make me calm. My mind is always wondering... it is my weakness that I can't do a "single task" steadily.

I might catch a cold? Something is in my throat. In this case, I go to bed after gargling my mouth with salty water. But I don't cook so I have to bring salt from somewhere. A person said gargling with tea is also good for curing a cold. Health is important. Keeping my body healthy leads me to positive thinking. I'm not good at doing sports so I don't like doing any exercises because once I was blamed by a lot of classmates. Now I feel that staying healthy is important. I should keep my body fine. In Japan, catching a cold leads to a lot of illness.

2022/01/13 English

BGM: Senri Oe "MAN ON THE EARTH"

Reading Susumu Sogo's "Can't Live Without Movies 1999-2002", I think about the calmness from the articles again. Once I had an idiot thought and believed that controversial articles or poisonous ones were catchy and therefore could attract more readers. Now I don't think so. I'm not good at discussion and do not want to blame someone else. I want to trust the power of calmness or mildness. The article moves with "walks of pigeons" as Nietzsche says.

From 1999 to 2002... I didn't have any interest in movies. And, I lost all the hope of living this real life. Any interesting events couldn't happen... I thought so and ran away from reality. I faced my personal computer and drank a lot of alcohol all day. I don't have any good memories of that time. The middle of the 20s must be the most interesting time or progressing time. But my life had stopped at that time. I thought I would die soon. In this countryside town, I just have to wait for death...

So I might not have any adolescence. Or I can say now is my adolescence. After my 40s, I fell in love with a woman. I did a lot of foolish struggle and gave up. Even that thing is a precious piece of my life for me. Stopping drinking alcohol, listening to the episodes from various ex-alcoholic people at Awaji isle, attending the meetings about autism... My life started moving in my 40s. Until that time my life was full of alcohol and therefore never read books or watch movies. Ah... a terrible period.

As I wrote yesterday, I will be 47 this year. But now I don't feel the calmness which comes from my age. I can say my mind is younger than that age. Yes, it can be a bad thing. It says my mind has not been getting old enough. But I think I want to enjoy it now, and I read books and learn English. This world is full of interesting things I guess. I can walk up to higher. Now I am trying to do a lot of things to enjoy. Although I listen to cool Jazz instead of catchy pop music.

2022/01/12 English

BGM: Bonnie Pink "Dog and Moon"

In the afternoon I came back from my parents' house to my group home. After taking a nap, I decided that today should be the way of resting completely and read "Can't live without movies 1999-2002". And I went to a library and borrowed Agnès Poirier's book "Left Bank" and "Becket Remembering / Remembering Beckett". In both of them, Samuel Beckett appears as an important person, but I don't even know his masterpiece "Waiting For Godot" because I don't follow plays. Maybe I can watch "Waiting For Godot" on YouTube... I googled and found a few (of course, I want to watch official videos if I can).

The novel I had written the other day was praised by my friends. I'm glad to know that. When I was a Waseda student, I read Paul Auster's novels because of the translation by Motoyuki Shibata. "City Of Glass", "Ghosts", "The Locked Room", "In the Country of Last Things", and "Moon Palace". A person said my English is beautiful. That might be because I read "beautiful Japanese from English" a lot like this by Motoyuki Shibata's translation. Of course, it was not good because I haven't read English directly. But I might catch the breathing of Paul Auster's sentences by reading the translation.

As I wrote yesterday, In this year I will be 47. When I was a child, 47 is enough to be an adult. I would not be able to be in love or do something else, just getting ages and older, and that's just all... I thought so. But this age tells me that I can taste various events as remembering. I can see these things from different perspectives. So I must not be pessimistic now. Maybe I'm too simple but I might think foolish ideas even if I got 50 or 60.

I won't say adolescence is beautiful. I won't say that youth promises infinite possibilities. Youth is, for me, another name of the fool. Because they don't know what the world is and who they are, they can only do struggle as a waste of time, that's the youth I think. Ah, when I was young if I knew I was an autistic person? But getting this age, that fool can be friendly for me. Through writing the novel, I might meet myself again who didn't attend lectures and just read a lot of books, thought weird philosophy.

2022/01/11 English

BGM: Paul Weller "Sunflower"

Today was a day off so I went back to my parents' home. In this "changing the years" season, I had worked so I couldn't go back. But I didn't do anything special although I went back. My parents and I sat at Kotatsu (a Japanese heater) and do some net surfing by a computer, or watched "Mitokoumon" (a Japanese famous traditional drama in which samurai appears) or Sumo. Just doing them, we spent three hours. I started reading Susumu Sogo's "Can't live without movies 1999-2002" from the bookshelf. This is quite an interesting book so I read into this even if I have already read it once.

I have all 6 volumes of books of Sogo Susumu's this column "Can't live without movies" that had been written until 2018. In this column, he shows a citizen's philosophy, which is sometimes about the pride of his job, the insight into the way of living, knowledge about movies and jazz. It was easy to read and profound. I had started reading this column when I was 40 years old. I was surprised because Susumu Sogo had begun this column from the end of the 40s. It was an amazing fact and embraced me. I still have the time to learn and develop myself. I should make myself progress until I will able to write like him.

Reading one of the columns, I thought what should be "the pro's attitude"? I have done my work for over 20 years but do I have anything to show and pride as a pro? Or, writing is also the thing I have kept on doing, but I can't say I'm a pro because it doesn't make money. In short, I do my work as one of my duty and write something as DIY. Everything must be a selfish satisfaction... but I think I do my best at the chance I have been given. What should this attitude be called?

I'm now over 40s but I think this. When I was young, I thought or believed that at this age I must have done everything I wanted to do. Every pleasant thing must have been experienced, therefore I couldn't be flesh... But now, I feel that "Mitokoumon" has various catchy tricks to make people enjoy the world. The movies I have started from my 40s tell me various cool things if I watch more and more. Even Yasujiro Ozu's "Tokyo Story" can be enjoyed as an "evergreen masterpiece". Now is the fresher period than once I believe.