2024/12/12 English

New Adventures in Hi-Fi 25th Anniversary Deluxe Edition

BGM: R.E.M. - Man On The Moon

I worked early today. This morning, I thought about an important concept: "Reasonable Accommodation." When was the first time I heard this word? At least, it could have been when I turned 40, the age when I met my ex-job coach and other friends at an antique café and started the activities of the self-help group together. In other words, from that time I started trying to think about (in a way, trying to accept) autism as sincerely as possible.

TBH, however, although the concept of "Reasonable Accommodation" sounded very attractive and precious to me, and even though I had sympathy for that idea, I could never accept it because simply it must have sounded like a sort of daydream, or a too-unreal idea. Indeed, I am an autistic person and so have been needing to be cared for/supported in various aspects with that idea actually. But, at that time it sounded even a too-selfish idea for me to realize it. "I'm autistic, so treat me as a special one"... Could I declare this? At least, I would reject such a bold, brave idea if I were in my 30s (BEFORE the encounter with my ex-job coach).

AFTER the encounter... I have enjoyed various activities of the self-help autism group such as making miso soup and learning the usage of various apps (Evernote etc.) to manage each one's life firmly. Through those, I have understood what autism is, and also tried to realize using the job coach system at my workplace. As this, although I could NEVER imagine such great activities/achievements would be possible (because I had been haunted by a very desperate inertia within my mind because I had been bullied in schools maybe because of this autism), I have done my jobs through these 10 years. As Prefab Sprout's song represents, life must be a cluster of surprises.

Also, that ex-job coach made me restart learning English like this... This evening, I joined a meeting on Zoom with my friends, and there we talked about Himeji Castle (the presenter lives in a city nearby), and also how important for us to keep learning English. After that meeting, I looked back on my past days when I had a regret in being born in this world, and even wished for death coming. However, now I can stay in such a cozy group home, and also feel changing bit by bit the company's system or atmosphere itself. What a wonderful life. However, to achieve a true "win-win" relationship, I keep trying to work with my current job coach, and also my friends.

2024/12/11 English

Introspective

BGM: Pet Shop Boys - Always on My Mind / In My House

I had a day off. This morning, after joining the morning English meeting on Zoom as usual, I went to a clinic to get vaccinated against influenza. Then, I got a message that said the meeting I would have had been canceled. After that vaccination, I went to the library to borrow something new, and found Han Kang's book "We Do Not Part" so I decided to borrow that. After that, I went to AEON and started thinking about various things as usual (yes, it was a very "orthodox", even boring day off for me).

At AEON, on a philosophical chat group on LINE, I found an interesting discussion was being held. Even though the theme must be very complicated for me to explain, it would be this; I like reading books and listening to music. However, in real situations maybe I am not the one who is choosing to do these activities by myself. In return, music and books might allow me to enjoy them. Does this sound so abstract? Probably... But, when I write my ideas on the memo pad, I find that this pen moves so freely beyond my control.

Another aspect... When I speak English, I often get surprised at this very automatic state of mind which always enables me to tell my opinions to others in English (even though my English must never be so smooth). Thinking about this, I find that (maybe I've written this once) somewhere in my mind there must be a large warehouse full of my variety of experiences and knowledge inside. However, I guess it's not in my brain, but within somewhere in this physical body (maybe, it can be the same place as my identity or heartful emotion engine itself).

This afternoon, I went to the main house of my group home to see the sub-admin and passed an important seat (and the vaccination bill, too). After that, I went back to my room and took a nap. After that, I couldn't find anything interesting. Even though I tried to read books, any motivation didn't move me, therefore, I went to the used bookstore I visited again, and found an interesting one so bought it.

This evening, I joined the "danshu" meeting. There, I shared my thoughts (almost secret irritations toward my private life) with the other members. After that, even though I wanted to join another English meeting on Zoom, I got so sleepy enough. Soon, I went to bed.

2024/12/10 English

LOVEBEAT

BGM: Yoshinori Sunahara - Ballet Mécanique (feat. Etsuko Yakushimaru)

I worked early today. This morning, during working time, I noticed that recently I very rarely remember the fact that I had graduated from Waseda University. I won't say that the period I spent at Waseda was just a waste of time. There I could have gained various knowledge of English literature (especially, American literature such as the Beatnik poets), and even though I couldn't make any evergreen friendships, the experience works as a great memorial treasure or inner emotional engine. However, the period was now very distant from here.

Now, I try to remember how cozy the campus's atmosphere was for me. Although it was almost 30 years ago, I can still feel (not "remember" certainly) its mood. I often stayed in its huge library and tried to read Terry Eagleton's and Edward Said's books (even though their works were pretty difficult for me!). And Waseda was (I don't know the recent/current Waseda, but at least, during my youthful period) for relatively ordinary students (in other words, not for so-called elites basically), so there were many restaurants and cafés which afforded us very large cups of rice for us as meals.

Oh, Good old days... Probably, though it can sound too snob, my character has been created/built with Waseda essences (into my blood actually), even though in that era I couldn't love that university because I had to spend my days alone. Anyway, Life goes on. Once, TBH, I had gotten simply "ashamed" with the fact that I was living as such a poor person even though I was a Waseda student once (what a shame!), now I can accept this real-size self-figure who must be so tiny, however, MAYBE having a certain possibility (even though it can never be unlimited).

At the workplace, a person went wrong this morning. Even though I worried that person, I would become just a piece of a crowd who wouldn't be able to do anything helpful (and already, there, many other people had gathered), so I kept doing my work. I can't tell whether this choice/decision could be correct... I tried to draw the "boundary" line between me and the others, so I just prayed that my work could have worked successfully (and also, that someone's recovered fully).

After today's work, I went to the weekly English conversation class. Next week will be the final session, so we will have a Christmas party with snacks and a little chatting time.

2024/12/09 English

Kick -Remast-

BGM: INXS - New Sensation - Nick 12-inch Mix

I worked late today. This morning, I joined the daily English meeting on Zoom. There, we talked about various topics in English; the main theme was how stressful teachers' working situations can be (I remembered that my ex-job coach was once an English teacher in a school). After that, a member asked us why young people choose to live their lives as single people (in other words, why they choose not to get married), which led to a more passionate discussion.

TBH, although I have already written about this, I am 49 years old and still single (I have never experienced any romance). After graduating from my university (and failing to find a new job as a newcomer), my life had to go wrong with my drinking habit (literally, EVERY DAY I had drunk a lot of cans of beer) so there was no possibility of romance or any funny event. Remembering that, I wonder why I am now staying alive with this sober mind.

After that meeting, I went to AEON. There, I started thinking about various things (from silly ones to philosophical ones). Looking inside my mind, many "amorphous" prototype ones are waiting for me to get verbalized. For example, recently I read a book about a philosopher Quine, that told me how miraculous our communication could be. For example, if I say "Angels don't exist", it can deliver a certain meaning even though what I say is about the thing that doesn't exist in this world (therefore, we talk about that based on each one's imagination, therefore can't show anything). How enigmatic our communication is!

Like that, I went down into a well in my mind and started facing my unconsciousness... When I was young and relatively ignorant, I tended to try to join any topics that were going on Twitter that other people were passionately discussing, to become/pretend a sort of "virtual" critic. I won't say it could be wrong, but at least, now naturally I tend to face my issues as a so-called life works, which are such as how our communication can be mysterious (and sometimes impossible), and also how my identity (or ego itself) is basically chaotic like a boiled potage soup. How can I crystalize this "crap" into any words?

2024/12/08 English

ギミ・サム・トゥルース.(通常盤)(SHM-CD)

BGM: The Beatles - A Day In The Life

This morning, I joined the Zoom English meeting as usual. Today was a Sunday, so we enjoyed the so-called "free talk" time. This time, we started by asking each other why we were learning English and sharing what methods we were using to learn English. After that, we shared each member's New Year's Day plan. Oh, this 2024 is certainly ending.

After that meeting, I joined another meeting of the English Studying Club in this town. At first, an elderly member shared with us his personal information and also how once this Japan country had to get involved with the Pacific War. Yes, as you already see, he shared various very controversial topics such as Kamikaze, Pearl Harbor, and his elderly brother who had to pass away in that war.

Of course, his opinions do sound not as tolerant, diverse ones. If I were younger, I would get out of that room (basically, I am a so-called very old-fashioned left dude). However, for me, he is a very diligent/passionate English learner, and so I want to respect him well. Therefore, I never want to paste onto his ideology a right-winger or so. So, I decided to write about this issue as my topic for this year's Advent Calendar on a server on Discord.

And, the elderly person asked us "Why do you learn English? We shouldn't just read such complicated texts, but should keep trying to communicate with others, especially foreign people!" etc. Oh, what a coincidence! Here comes the question again. Why do I learn English... About this (and the impression from his opinions and attitude), I NEVER want to become cynical. I want to keep this respect to him.

After we read Roald Dahl's "Matilda" step by step in that meeting, I went to my group home to have lunch. This afternoon, I went to the main house of my group home to see the admin. After handing over the almost whole payment I've gotten to manage, we talked about a topic I shouldn't share here.

Returning to the group home, I wrote my topic for the Advent Calendar (in English). After having dinner, I spent my free, leisure time doing nothing special (even though I opened various books to "zap" these pages). Oh, it was also a good day for me because I could have faced the motivation in me to keep learning English once again. Something must have afforded me such a nice day...

2024/12/07 English

テクノデリック

BGM: Yellow Magic Orchestra - ユーティー

I had two days off (today and tomorrow). This morning, after joining the English meeting on Zoom, I went to AEON as a morning activity. There, I started enjoying reading Yu Shinada's book "Thunder Goes Straight a Giraffe, So What?" [品田遊『キリンに雷が落ちてどうする』], with Ryuichi Sakamoto's remix album "Bricolages". A really interesting combination of music and the book.

This Shinada's book is a public journal, as I have been writing like this. For him, this serial work can have played the role of venting his inner junk ideas (he calls them "stagnations"). In my case, TBH I can't tell why I started writing this journal (however, my autistic character tends to disturb my novel writing which basically requires a certain unyielding, steady attitude to think about only one theme for a long period. My moods can change so easily!).

After reading Yu Shinada's book halfway through, I changed the music to G. Love and Special Sauce and started writing my intended ideas on the memo pad in English. Following Shinada, I might have to do my "mental sketch" which means just to let mine out so freely with a little courage to throw my mental rubbish away to lighten myself. In other words, to defrag myself.

This afternoon, after having lunch and taking a nap, I went to the main house of my group home to see the sub-admin to share my problems. It was a very "adult" thing, therefore I won't tell you about that. She gave me various honest, intimate advice to me. However, these were about how I could have (or maybe "enjoy") any romantic love/relationship, which could be out of my expectations. Of course, I'm feeling thankful for them. However, then how the male admin could accept this issue as an owner of partly the same identity essence (I believe you can understand what I am talking about)?

After that meeting, I went to AEON again to see the dentist there. After finishing the treatment, I went to the used bookstore in this town to find something interesting even though I had only a little money. Then, I found a guidebook about Willard V. O. Quine's theories so decided to buy that (OH NO!). After returning to my group home, I read that guidebook with Yellow Magic Orchestra's marvelous album "Technodelic" and thought about various junk ideas again.

2024/12/06 English

ブルー・ラインズ

BGM: Massive Attack - Daydreaming

This morning, at AEON I enjoyed reading an English text of Roald Dahl's evergreen novel "Matilda" for homework for the English Studying Club I belong to, with various bangers by Lisa Stansfield, Workshy, and EBTG. Through this very tasteful novel, I ALWAYS have learned a great truth about our lives, which is how ordinary people can be foolish, and also very lovely. Today I've read the chapter "The Platinum-Blond Man", and found how our sense of humor enables us to keep living this very absurd, and grateful life.

TBH, I couldn't have found any motivation to do anything this morning, even though the reason is completely enigmatic to me. However, maybe because I was thinking about how bullshit my life could be... Then, my life has been always supported by these kinds of very splendid books (also, movies and music). Also, I am never alone because, besides that English Studying Club, there must be so many "mates" of mine who also accept me.

After reading this book, I had a lunchbox. And, I went to the bookstore in AEON to buy something interesting, and found Yu Shinada's very charming paperback "Thunder Goes Straight a Giraffe, So What? [品田遊『キリンに雷が落ちてどうする』]". It seems very funny, and also a little bit philosophical book therefore can become a favorite of mine I guess. How does this wonderful one work to soften my stubborn brain, like some quirky music such as Aphex Twin or Mouse On Mars?

This evening, breaking news came across the Internet... A Japanese actor, Miho Nakayama had passed away. She debuted as an idol at first when I was a teenager, however, at that era, I had no interest in her because I had thought idols must have been just bullshit. However, after having watched the Japanese famous director Shunji Iwai's evergreen movie "Love Letter", I have gotten attracted to the aura she has shared. Therefore, for me, she has been always an actor, not an idol (but, NOW I can understand idols must be making very devotional efforts to achieve their ambitions or dreams). Therefore, all I can tell is just this... Rest in peace.