2024/04/25 English

9 9/9

BGM: Tokyo No.1 Soul Set - ロマンティック伝説

Even now - although I have many friends in my private life certainly, sometimes I feel a certain concept of "solitary". Maybe because somewhere in my mind I must have a certain doubt toward this world. But then, it can mean that the reason is because of my doubt, therefore everything is my fault - is it true?

Once, when I had taught my traumatic events to ex-classmates a while ago. Then a guy said "Everybody must have had such a traumatic event", and it made me terribly disappointed. I won't say his comment is bullshit - Yes, he might have taught me his honest, intimate opinion. And I accept his truth partly. The stories I have been writing in these journals can be quite orthodox ones of autistic guys. But, looking at his opinions I say this. How the fuck his serious, bloody honesty of that opinion can work for me?

I accept that I am getting to be so stubborn to keep on trying to think about various issues (literally everything) rigoristic, even though my logical thinking always starts from this honest feeling. I can't see whether I am a natural-born philosopher or a slow learner who started philosophy at 40. Looking at my footsteps - they actually tell me that maybe I can be a solitary one because of this character - an autistic guy.

Once, I tried to deny or give up any hope of having friends in this life because I couldn't believe that any intimate friends could appear in front of me - at that terrible period (especially, my teenage days in a rural town), in my eyes everybody must have had harmful intention for me. Yes, NOW I can think of another possibility about that - as I have written, because of the doubt in me (therefore it can be MY problem) I have had to struggle with that endless inner war.

This is another perspective of mine: There seem at least two kinds of lifehacks. One of them is to try to "digest" or "swallow" these distorted feelings/delusions within me and stay quiet. And another is to try to confess them in public. How? How can I do to find a good solution? I can't see. Each way must have its great character therefore both ways are evenly Okay I guess. Then, I try to listen to my inner child's murmuring.

2024/04/24 English

犬は吠えるがキャラバンは進む

BGM: Pavement - Range Life

I had a day off today. This morning, on the daily English meeting on Zoom, I shared with the members the fact that I have quit alcohol for about 9 years. Then, another member said to me "You're strong!". Of course, this honest comment certainly embraced me, but somewhere in my mind, I doubted whether I could be strong. In my opinion, my will must not be so strong - in a way, my will must be so weak that it can have made me drink a lot.

Once, I had been ashamed of this weakness in me, therefore I even blamed myself so much as "Why can't I become a strong person?" From my male sexuality, although maybe you might laugh at this, I strictly believed that "being strong" must be better than my truly messy character. That's one reason I even thought I must have been a loser (or a literal "mistake" my parents had made).

Even now, I must say that I am not such a strong guy - but certainly, after quitting alcohol my mind has been changed. Now, I accept this messy self - because that's me. In other words, from somewhere in my life history I started having an interest in accepting (and even loving) this myself. I started sharing my personal history with other members like these writings. Solitary in schools, autism, alcohol addiction, and so on.

Through sharing my stories with others, an idea has been born in me. Once, I thought I must have been a victim because various terrible hardships have been disturbing my freedom. But, now I accept those hardships to live this weird, funny life as positively as I can - and also, am thinking how to give up the delusion of becoming an ultimate winner in this world because it can cause a certain pressure which must push me away to death.

Thinking this, I enjoyed a great album "Aja" by Steely Dan. In this album, you can enjoy the great song "Deacon Blues", which describes our life from the position of a loser (although I am not a native English speaker, I can understand this as an everlasting one). Even now, somewhere in my mind, I must have a certain desire that certainly pushes me to get various things (in a difficult expression, to participate in this competitive consuming society). But also, I have been already living a slow life.

2024/04/23 English

Aja

BGM: Steely Dan - Deacon Blues

TBH, I started reading some philosophical books when I was 40 (before that, I just read various literature). So I have to say that I am just an amateur in philosophy, but now I join a few philosophical groups/servers on Facebook and Discord, and try to share my own issues with other members.

As for me, philosophy is a truly personal action that enables me to clarify my thoughts (it gives them a certain "shape" to grasp firmly). But also, as you can see, I need to put those thoughts into words for sharing them with others, because if they just ended up in my mind then that could mean that they were just delusions.

This might sound too foolish... but thinking about this, I think about some notorious criminals in Japan who just had to struggle with their own, terrible delusions. If they could encounter various philosophical resources, then they would be able to live another life... Or, how about my case? It could become sinful if I couldn't meet Wittgenstein.

Although this must sound too controversial, at least for me, philosophy is a kind of compass that has always guided me through this life. It's like God or any higher one. TBH, I have never believed in God in this life but that's not because believe religions are clap, but as a personal impression I can't feel God's existence physically.

Once, before the doctors diagnosed me as an autistic guy, one of them said to me "Someday you can become happy", but at that time it sounded very irresponsible to me. Even after that, some people taught me someone (like God) has always been caring, but it is too abstract for me.

After meeting with current friends, as I have written at the beginning of this journal, I started reading the beginner's guidebooks of philosophy. Now, I feel like this. For me, philosophy starts within this small personal existence, and it can develop/spread in the outer world (public), and start true communications.

Like that, I can travel between this personal territory and the public world forward and backward... and that movement (maybe that's almost endless) can mean the fact that I am alive.

2024/04/21 English

101 (Deluxe Edition)

BGM: Depeche Mode - Master and Servant

This morning, I attended an online meeting about autism with my friends. According to my memory, we started this serial monthly meeting about 9 years ago. After that, we enjoyed various events such as cooking, hiking, and also showing our achievements and interests. Today I talked about R.D.Laing's book "Do You Love Me?" with my memory. The other members talked about their work.

This afternoon, after having lunch, I read Chizuko Ueno's book "Hating Women [上野千鶴子『女ぎらい』]". Even though I will be 49 this year (so my school days must be so far), this book's straight and logical messages toward men (especially young guys) hurt my mind deeply. Ueno tells us in this book that our society has consisted of men only (women are just like objects). In other words, society must have a certain "misogyny" or "homosocial" aspect, which doesn't allow women to enter as members. Of course, men need women as objects of sex or love. But Ueno tells us that scenery is the result of this fact: Always men rule this world in the end without women's opinions.

I accept her opinions in this book as truly honest, diligent ones that can hurt me. But, probably because I am an autistic, strange guy, I had been isolated in that kind of "misogyny" society even though I am a guy who could participate in that "homosocial" group. In a way, I was a stray cat in that masculine society. Of course, that fact doesn't say I am right about this issue, but at least I can say this. That "misogyny" society even has given me a certain mental pressure.

Besides Ueno's that one, I have tried to read a certain amount of feminists' achievements. Although I have learned a lot from them (because they tell me this world's another aspect I have never seen from my sexuality), it's even really difficult for me to have empathy with them. What should I do as a goat or a coward guy in this society (even though I could have built this world as such a stubborn, ignorant guy)?

Therefore, at the end of this journal, I want to write this. Yes, this world can have a certain "misogyny" aspect. But, that also can work as a harmful, violent affection toward me - although I can't say I must be a feminist because of that simple conclusion.

2024/04/20 English

Orbital (The Green Album)

BGM: Orbital - Belfast (David Holmes Remix)

I have three days off from today to Monday. This morning, I went to the library to borrow a Japanese feminist/sociologist Chizuko Ueno's book as usual. After that, I went to AEON, where I started thinking about various things such as how I should learn feminism from now, this age (49!).

Even now, I never say I am a feminist because ANYTIME I have to go back to a simple fact. In me, a huge delusion/desire is there, which causes the reaction as a response toward sexual essences. In other words, I am a kind of beastie guy - at least, I can't forget/ignore that fact.

Maybe, therefore - because I have to face the fact that I am male (I have never wished to be born as a male who has a "b----" between my legs) once I even tried to become a kind of machine that doesn't have any sexuality. Yes, NOW I can see that must be impossible - but that could be the meaning of youthful passion in my life.

After that youth period, I started physical work, which has certainly/eventually taught me that I don't have to "erase" the fact that I am male. Or, I don't need to feel guilty about being male. Now, my interest has shifted from that poor stage to this. How to accept my sexuality as one of my precious identities (such as autistic, Japanese, etc), but not "invade" others' rights?

Looking back to my traumatic period, I try to think like this: maybe, those miserable school days could have built a kind of logical aspect in my personality because I had thought that logical thinking could "rule" every communication - I would become a winner if I literally could defeat others by logic. OH BULLSHIT! Like Trent Reznor (even though I must not be such a genius as him), in a way my passion made me become a kind of "pretty hate machine" in the middle of this world (maybe you were reminded of Dostoevsky by this journal?)

In a way, once I tried to become an angel or any higher creature who can "observe" this human world. Now, I am trying to become a member of this society. Could I become an adult at last? A human being who has various identities, and paradoxical ideologies/policies in this head... a really "confusing" guy.

2024/04/19 English

This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours

BGM: Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart

I worked late today. This morning, I read Kumiko Kanno's "Hard Life Age [菅野久美子『生きづらさ時代』]". I felt that this author must have the same kind of keen sense as Chuck Palahniuk and Bret Easton Ellis, which certainly captures how hard to survive this life (although I have not read their novels completely, and also their works are different from each other). After reading this, I tried to think about the truly "trendy" concept. It's the "solitary".

Now, we can find various friends so easily/quickly by using the internet (for example, using social media or dating apps). But, in my opinion, Kanno tries to describe in this collection of essays many peoples' various sicknesses or hardships that tend to isolate them from the world. Kanno is very good and clever at writing their lives by becoming an invisible observer (like an angel in Wim Wenders's movie "Wings of Desire").

She must have strong and critical opinions/beliefs at her core, but actually, she represents them in a gentle, honest way. Her writings are so plain/easy to accept/understand and also become touchy. I need to follow her other work more and also read "Fight Club" and "American Psycho" again.

But, where the feeling of "solitary" comes from? Thinking about this, I have to go back to the simple fact. Now, it seems the magical internet rules this world, whole this globe completely. As for me, on the internet now I have plenty of friends all over the world whom I can share various topics such as Haruki Murakami's literature or Phil Collins and Genesis's music with.

But, even within such a rich relationship with others, I often feel isolated/separated by the outer world... thinking about this, I reached this paradoxical idea. I can meet/contact my friends so easily, THEREFORE I can often feel that there can be tiny misunderstandings or miscommunications. Of course, this is not your fault.

By the way... there are plenty of friends in my life in real life and on the internet. Once, I tried so hard to be liked by literally everyone (in a way, I tried to become a perfect, massive superhero who must be ultra-smart). Now, I have given up that and shown how I am weak and imperfect, but people listen to my story (as you read this journal). C'est la vie?

2024/04/18 English

ザ・ベンズ

BGM: U2 - All I Want Is You

As I have written in this journal, I will be 49 this year. When I was a teenager, there wasn't the internet in this world, or my life (at least, it wasn't used as a convenient tool/infrastructure as now). I started learning English when I was a teenager, but the world hadn't been globalized yet, therefore I couldn't find any reason why I must learn it. Looking back at those days, I certainly feel that this world could have been changing.

Yes, everything is changing... Therefore I have to follow that motion. That's a truth. But also, I should keep one steady motto in myself for not losing my sanity in this severe modern life. What can be the motto I believe in now? A possible personal answer is this - In any situation, I try to follow my inspiration, not any "correct" ideologies (including "diversity" and "love and peace").

Following my inspiration, my inner voice... even though the majority taught me I must have been too strange, I have chosen this life. But, as a clear truth, that can't mean I am absolutely perfect because I am a human being, therefore I can make mistakes every day (already, within this journal, you can see my mistakes). The longer I live this life, the more I find how I can be a "random", "paradoxical" guy.

One of the paradoxes. For example, can we allow the freedom to commit suicide? Can we allow euthanasia as a way of being released from any sicken life? On X, I find this topic. About this, I want to allow the freedom of the decision of suicide or euthanasia, because there can be ultimately harder lives literally I can't imagine (they can be harder than euthanasia - if they feel like that in their recognition).

But, as my current belief, I don't want to kill myself by my decision only. Because, as my honest impression, my life must have been supported by others. Therefore, even though you would say this is a ridiculous idea or just a kind of silly wordplay, my life is a kind of creation with others for me, like this idea of mine has been made/influenced by plenty of books, music, movies - especially so many

ザ・ベンズ

"bubbly" mass culture...