犬は吠えるがキャラバンは進む

The Dogs Bark, But The Caravan Moves On.

2022/08/14 English

BGM: Senri Oe "夏渡し"

How long has passed since this corona disease has begun? Now I can't remember the days we shouldn't wear our masks. I can't believe we could live such peaceful days. I don't have too much fever and just do cough a little (probably this is from wearing masks too much or because of air conditioners). Of course, I have to be careful. I have endured hard days that didn't allow me to get together in the English conversation classes or meetings about autism. But I have to say that I am still happy. Because I have my job and also friends near by me. I also have a steady income. Therefore I can maintain my daily life.

A daily life... I thought about the greatness of my daily life. The fact that everything happens as usual. The fact that ordered items can be delivered on a scheduled day. The fact that we can use water and electricity. These are because of the maintained work some people always do. I feel really thankful for it. The fact that there are people who do their jobs to maintain our daily life. Really great. Once I had thought that these 'same' days' repetition must be boring, but now I think that these boring and peaceful days are great.

I started reading Barry Yourgrau's "A Man Jumps Out of an Aeroplane". Barry Yourgrau is an author who writes really strange short stories. I started reading books by him because of a Japanese professor Motoyuki Shibata and found that his books are really great so I keep on reading. TBH I want to write short strange novels that are like some dreams, so I thought this could be a kind of source of my dreams. It's impressive. Slapstick-like and a little bit lewd, and also humorous as Shunji Enomoto's cartoons (but they are not such brutal ones). Really one and only.

I found that I am truly reading the books I had read again and again. About music, I am listening to the ones once I had been into as Pizzicato Five and Senri Oe, therefore I rarely can meet new things. Of course, I want to encounter newcomers' works. But I also can find this. When I listen to the pioneers such as Paul McCartney and Kafuu Nagai, then I can see how their works are still fresh. I can enjoy Wings' albums even now. I might have to read the books once I had bought so much and go into my 50s. Indeed, it might sound too poor...

2022/08/13 English

BGM: Mouse On Mars "Saturday Night World Cup Fever"

I got my salary today. It was more than I had expected so I worried that this might be someone's mistake (that kind of accident had happened in Japan recently). After going to a library, I visited a used book store for a long time. I had wanted Yoshio Kataoka's fashionable novels, but finally, I bought Otusichi's "Me Story" and George Orwell's "1984", and two books by Yoko Ogawa. I had read "Me Story" so known that it was a really charming journal. I was glad to meet this again. I thought I should write a childlike 'false diary' like Otsuichi. After coming back to my group home, I fed Charlotte, a mermaid I had brought in the bath. No way!

Today was a day off. Afternoon, I read Sam Shepard's "Motel Chronicles". I have learned about him just from Wim Wenders's movie "Paris, Texas". So I had imagined that this book was masculine and based on a kind of dandyism. But the translator chose the Japanese words "Boku" and "Ore" for the subject "I", therefore this trick seems to give a certain impression in Sam Shepard's narration. So I can see that this book exactly contains his 'voice'. Really interesting. "Paris, Texas" was really a movie about 'voice' (in this era, we send texts to each other but I like the exchange of 'voice').

After that, I read Charles Bukowski's "The Most Beautiful Woman in Town & The Other Stories". Bukowski was quite a famous writer who had been helped by alcohol, so people say he is a 'drunken poet'. TBH once I had also wanted to become a 'drunken poet' like him (yes, I am such a crazy guy). But in this collection the translator Sou Aono gives 'Watashi' as the main subject and tries to translate the whole book. So this book tells us how Bukowski looked at women and described various things steadily. I can say that this book shows Bukowski's intelligence.

I learned the word Sober curious. This word's meaning is the trend of stopping drinking any alcohol and choosing to be sober in this era when we can drink at our houses alone. I don't drink, but it is not related to this. just I am an addicted person so I would go to hell if I drank once again. Never cool. In a way, the people who can enjoy proper alcohol are greater than me because they aren't controlled by a lot of drinking. Therefore they are pretty cool. But I might have to build a current of Japanese literature, that is a 'soberature' (Sober + literature). I'm just kidding!

2022/08/12 English

BGM: R.E.M. "Shiny Happy People"

Today I worked late. This morning, I had a little time to read Yoshio Kataoka's "Afterword". As this title says, this book is a collection of his "afterword", which were already contained in his numerous books. I was surprised by the fact that he has written the afterword in diverse ways. From essays that tell us what he experienced to a kind of 'dialogues'. From his early serious critical articles to fashionable novels in his glory days to recent achievements. But when I read the career he has built through this book, I can see that his basic essence has never changed easily.

Yoshio Kataoka sometimes makes a female character in his novels or essays. Who is this female character? Of course, she seems not to be in this world so we can consider that she is an ideal person. If we thought easily, then she is just his idea therefore she is not a quite 'mysterious' other person. But Kataoka talks to her (his idea) sincerely, and tries to make the beginning of his critics or dramas in his novels. Therefore, I can say that his talking to her means his trial to face the other himself. I want to think more deeply.

This morning, I felt strong anxiety again. So I sent a person some silly messages on Discord. Oh my gosh. But I moved from my group home and went to Aeon, and tried to read a book, then I got into a comfortable mood exactly. How should I spend the morning time? What should I do? I don't have any conclusions... I can't spend a whole day reading. So I might have to try to write essays about books, or some 'dialogues' in myself on Discord like Kataoka does.

Anyway, I spent my morning time with Paul McCartney's solo album. I thought that Kataoka's works and Paul's ones are connected with a great coincidence. For them, creating and living are the same. They can create their works like breathing, very naturally. I thought that I had better write about books to give the thoughts in me some certain shape. I named it "Bookdive". I want to write about Kataoka's "Afterword" and "Reading person".

2022/08/11 English

BGM: XTC "English Roundabout"

This morning I had a conversation with a friend in the Kyushu area on WhatsApp. I talked to him about the departure of a person who had cared for me at the 'danshu' meeting, and also the shocking emotion of the news of Shinmon Aoki and Hisao Nakai, both of whom had passed away recently. Of course, we have the destiny of dying someday. A Japanese writer Masuji Ibuse said, "Life is just the departures". But, even if I know about that, I exactly feel that is bitter. All I can do is just take the things those ancients left on my own, and deliver them to the late generation. I want to think about something by myself with Nakai's books.

As I always write, to tell the truth, I wanted to become a pro writer. Therefore I read various books and wrote a lot of novels and essays. Those works are for me just practices. Even if I couldn't become it, I think I could go forward a little. It must be important how I accept my life and also walk forward on the path of life. From other people, I am just an old amateur. But I have proud of walking forward. That might be OK. The books I had read, or the works I had done are still alive in me.

I heard the news that we had found two infected members at our workplace. So I had to do overtime work. These Infected people are still increasing. I had heard that the fourth vaccination will be done, and corona's panic still goes on. This is also what I always write, but when corona had just started, I had tried to be cool with the opinions I heard that "Corona is not dangerous as Influenza ". But foreign friends had talked about its danger and I changed my mind. The skill of my English saved me.

I am wondering if I can write about English in essays. I am thinking about the relationship between Japanese, my mother tongue, and English. I would write something even if I can't be a pro. When the library will open, I want to borrow Sam Shepard's "Motel Chronicles" or Jay McInerney’s "Bright Lights, Big City". Or it would be nice if I read Haruki Murakami's books once I had read them passionately. My reading time is still rich, but I want to watch movies again.

2022/08/10 English

BGM: Fatboy Slim "Praise You"

Today was a day off. In the morning I talked about using a job coach with a friend and another one at a cafe in the neighborhood. With Bossa Nova music, we talked about various problems in my workplace and tried to make some plans. Two of them, one is a person who will work with me as a job coach, listened to my confession about worries so I was glad. A person described that our relationship is a team, and it was very impressive. I am not alone. I have always been haunted by loneliness at the workplace (or before work), but exactly there are some people who try to help me, so I felt thankful for that.

Ah, I can remember that I had been bullied in my childhood so I am not good at relying on someone. Even now I can't rely on the administrators and staff of my group home, or the people who are connected by the meeting about autism well. I can't say SOS to them smoothly, and once I had lost the relationship itself with a friend... But those numerous failures (Ah, how many times I made mistakes!) told me that "Anytime I have to stay myself still and care". This might sound abstract but I have to keep myself sober and try to say someone my worries properly. Then, the person can start moving and helping me. These are "self-help" and "relying on someone". I have learned both.

Afternoon, I read "Yoshio Kataoka collection: Reading person". Kataoka describes reading as a 'dialogue'. 'Dialogue' with myself. I agree with him. Reading books means following the author's movement of thoughts so it can be a 'dialogue' with the author. And it also can be facing myself as another one so a 'dialogue' with myself. Both of them are the same as listening to the one who is different from 'this myself'. Listening to the 'echo' that is made by two or more peoples' voices. That must be the meaning of reading I guess. This collection delivers Kataoka's powerful voice.

At night, I went to a 'danshu' meeting. I have attended this meeting for over 7 years, but even now I think I want to drink if I see the cans of liquor or the packs of fried squads. They make me imagine alcohol. Therefore I go to the meeting and try to keep on stopping. Summer goes on. Yes, it was hard that I can't drink anymore. But if I drank again, I would go back to those 'drunken' days in hell. I always try to remember what kind of hell I had stayed in and tried to get out. And 7 years passed... I remember Fatboy Slim's album's title. "You've Come A Long Way, Baby"

2022/08/09 English

BGM: Kaseki Cider "さいだぁぶるーす"

Today I worked early. This morning, while preparing for the work, Bruce Springsteen's song "Street of Philadelphia" made me cry a little. Tomorrow we will have an important meeting finally. We have arrived here... that made me glad enough. I can remember that we had a lot of trouble. I have never thought that I could have done this work until now. I even did an overdose. I met a person and she told me about the system of job coaches. Yes, it was fatal. We have tried a lot in my workplace... the dream will come true. We have done a very great job.

I can't say this publicly, but I heard that a person had been affected by corona at my workplace. Corona is coming exactly. Yesterday, when I felt I had been affected by it, I said to myself that "If I got down here, then what could be left?". I can remember. Life goes on. I want to do more. Ah, this emotion is coming from me... Once I was very negative and looked backward. I had drunk a lot with Nine Inch Nails. I have changed exactly and clearly from that period.

After work, I went to the library as usual. I noticed that there was a corner that was dedicated to Hisao Nakai, and it told me Nakai had passed away. I had learned about Nakai from a 'teacher' at the 'danshu' meeting. I read his book about being bullied at schools, and it impressed me well because his writings were very soft and smart, but never wishy-washy. This must be from an intelligence, I felt so. I have to think about things softly, and completely like him. Even if I can't reach his stage... R.I.P. I will read his books again.

Writing my journal makes me think that every ordinary day contains various possibilities of happening interesting things. Therefore I have to live every single day preciously. From every day, every time, life can be begun. What did Paul McCartney think when he got the idea of the evergreen song "Yesterday"? Ordinary days can produce various evergreen masterpieces, and new things happen endlessly. That makes me happy. Already, something interesting might have happened somewhere. This journal can be the beginning of that kind of interesting thing.

2022/08/08 English

It fell sudden rain this morning. Probably because of that, I felt anxiety. I felt like I became alone. I said this to myself. There are many friends who are connected with me on Discord and Facebook under the same sky, so I am not alone. And my story of life still goes on. If I don't talk to someone long time, I often start feeling such strong loneliness. But I have friends. It is different from the period I had been bullied. I started trying to think about what books are suitable for this mood to change my thought. Or music? How about Nick Drake? Maybe Durutti Column can be.

I read "Complete Motojiro Kajii" step by step. It knocked my mind maybe because I was almost pushed under the anxiety. In Kajii's novels, the character wanders in a town alone with a bad feeling like a hangover, sickened by poverty. He tries to describe the situation with very keen eyes and thinks over and over with insight. I felt sympathy for him, and also I felt I could share the hardship and sickness with him. They eased my mind. I am also living in the world of "Lemon" ("Lemon" is the most famous novel of Kajii). Although I don't buy a lemon from a shop.

And I thought that Kajii's world might not be so far from the one of Fernando Pessoa's "The Book of Disquiet", one of my favorite books in my life. Indeed, I am only the single person who thinks such a ridiculous idea, but I would add this book to a bookshelf if I made a corner of 'the books for anxiety' in it. Kajii is looking at the anxiety of living itself as Kafka and Camus did. That would live on beyond the time. I might have to read Pessoa again or write my 'Lemon'.

Today I worked late. When I start my work, I thought that I had a slight fever. I even started thinking there was something in my throat, so I thought I shouldn't work more. I checked my temperature of the body and found it was 36.5, the normal one as my daily records so I did my work. If I was beaten by corona, my effort would become in vain. My life goes on and I want to write more. Indeed, once I had spent days with wasteful ideas as self hurting, but now I want to do my work toward the future. That might be life. I have to control myself.