2023/01/23 English

BGM: SHERBETS - シベリア

This morning I felt a slight fever which says 37.0. Certainly, it's a little bit high for me. Luckily, today was a day off so I decided to stay calm. In the morning time, a person came to my group home to do the monitoring. I talked about various things. After that, I lay on the bed and slept well. During I was awake, I spent my time reading Kazushi Hosaka's "Memories of Seasons"... writing like this, suddenly thought that my style of writing this diary has changed certainly. Once I wrote this kind of "web diary”, but I got bored of that so stopped soon. I just thought that I wanted to write a diary because "writing a diary is cool", so I didn't think that I seriously wanted to do so. Now I can write this diary for my friends, and of course, for me.

It was when I was a college student. I met Kazushi Hosaka's novel for the first time. I remember it would be "Plainsong". It impressed me so I have followed his works since then. When I was a college student, this might sound so old but I was in Peter Pan syndrome so got feard to be an adult. Is there a company that hires this kind of mad person like me? If I could join that company, I might work so hard that I would die... and after that period, I went back to this town and started working in the current company. I never want to forget the fact that I have been embraced by the adults in Hosaka's novels. I just climbed the stairway to be an adult step by step being empowered by various pitiable but strong adults. They (and I) are poor but stay dutiful for ourselves. I feel thankful for him.

I read "Memories of Seasons" and thought that was a really profound one. He writes a lot of philosophical things in that novel, but also tries to describe the greenery of Kamakura. They are in this one, unique world in the novel. The place I live is also the countryside which has rich greenery, so I thought that I would try to walk outside and "watch" it. I would live my whole life within Wittgenstein's thoughts poorly, but Wittgenstein was the person who said how the action of "watching" was important I guess. "Watching " is certainly difficult so I have to "watch" the world without thinking it was just already known to me.

I found an interesting diary on Kakuyomu, that tells me the author is reading Hideo Kobayashi, a Japanese legendary critic. I have never read Hideo Kobayashi so will try to read him. I choose "The clue of thoughts". Like this, I meet unknown books and learn unknown things, and that changes "my world". Using the book "A Life and Contingency" by Kenichiro Mogi, I can describe that I am in a large flow. I sometimes throw myself into that large flow, bigger than me. I can see how it would change me or the world. Hideo Kobayashi might not suit me. But I live guided by the voices in me. I have lived like that by now. I never think too much because it would make my brain "overheat". Everything will flow.

2023/01/23 BGM: SHERBETS - シベリア

朝、微熱を感じた。測ってみると37.0。確かに私にとっては熱が出たと言っても差し支えない体温だ。幸いなことに今日は休みなので安静にすることにする。朝、とある方がモニタリングのためにグループホームに来られる。そこでいろいろ話す。その後、横になり眠る。起きている時は保坂和志『季節の記憶』を読んで過ごす……といったことを今こうして書いていて、自分自身の日記に対する向かい方も変わったなとふと思った。ウェブ日記なら昔も書いていたが、すぐに飽きて止めてしまっていたことを思い出したのだ。その時の私の動機というのは結局単に「日記が流行っていたから」という程度のものでしかなく、私が本気で日記を書きたかったわけではなかったからなのだろう。今は友だちに向けて、そしてもちろん私のためにも、こうした日記を書けている。

大学生の頃だったか、保坂和志の小説と出会った。『プレーンソング』だっただろうか。それ以来、彼の書くものは注目して読んでいる。大学生の頃の私は本当に、懐かしい言葉を使えばピーターパン・シンドロームというのか大人になるのが本当に怖かった。こんな変人を雇う会社があるのか、運良く就職できても会社でこき使われて過労死とか……結局私はその後地元に戻り今の会社で働くようになったのだが、そんな風に大人になるステップを歩む中で保坂の小説世界に現れる、どこか情けなくも凛々しい大人たちから励まされたことは忘れたくない。貧乏かもしれなくても自分に忠実に生きる……そして今がある。改めて感謝を感じる。

『季節の記憶』を読み終える。改めて深遠な作品だと唸った。哲学的な考察が書き込まれていることと、主人公が鎌倉の大自然を丹念に描写していることがうまく溶け合って、独自の世界を描き出していると思ったのだ。私自身が住んでいるところも大自然に囲まれたど田舎なのだけれど、たまにはそうした自然を楽しむべく散歩してじっくり「見る」ことに務めるのもいいのかもしれないと思った。私は結局一生涯ウィトゲンシュタインの考えた枠の中でちまちま考えて人生を終わらせるのだと思うのだけど、ウィトゲンシュタインも確か「見る」ことの大事さを説いていたのではなかったか。「見る」ことに務めるのは意外と難しい。既視のものと一蹴しないで、改めてじっくり「見る」ことが大事だ。

カクヨムで面白い日記を見つけた。小林秀雄を読んでおられる方の日記だ。私は小林秀雄を読んだことがないので、試しに1冊読んでみようかと思う。『考えるヒント』から行こうか。こうして思いもよらぬ本と出くわし、知らなかったことを知ることで私の世界は変わっていく。最近読んだ茂木健一郎『生命と偶有性』の言葉を使えば、私は「流れ」の中にある。大いなるものが織り成す「流れ」に、私は時にこうして身を預ける。その後どうなるかわからない。小林秀雄は私に合わないかもしれない。だが、私はともかく勘がささやく通りに生きる。今までもそうだった。早稲田だって今の会社だって、先のことを小賢しく考えても私のポンコツな脳ではオーバーヒートするのがオチだ。則天去私。

烏有文集（うゆうぶんしゅう）（そうげん） - カクヨム

2023/01/22 English

BGM: フィッシュマンズ - いかれたBaby

Today was a day off. This morning I went to AEON and thought about various things as usual. I can remember this now. When I started attending the "danshu" meeting, a member said, "your eyes were dead when we met for the first time". I can understand it because I couldn't stop alcohol once when I was a fresh member. I had to stop it entirely and seek a brand new life of mine. In short, I lost the fuel or amulet of life, and it means that I lost the inner power to live forward my life. Like Souseki Natsume writes in his novel, Once I was really a "stray sheep". But I trusted the older members who go forward. I just looked at their backs... Now I can find another inner power. That's life.

Today I went to Yamasaki Sports Center to get vaccinated for the fifth time (it was Pfizer. I didn't choose it but I have gotten Pfizer every time). I can't drive a car so used a bus to arrive at the place. The bus moved as the schedule says so I went there smoothly and got it without any trouble. This smooth process is based on the workers there, so I feel thankful for the essential workers, and also the staff from the city office (some of them were the ones I already know because of the "danshu" meeting). Returning to my town, I bought my lunch at AEON. Tomorrow is also a day off so I want to relax.

Suddenly, I imagined whether the people who can't stop alcohol as the past me or the people who have serious trouble reading. I have no comment for them because their life is basically theirs. My comment would be irresponsible. I never say like "never drink anymore". If you can save drinking it so-so, and you allow your health would get harmed, then you can drink within your responsibility. But I... I was the person who made my life complete scrap. From that regret, I want to live my life more active and happier. In the 20s and 30s, the period I could "sew the seeds in my life", I just drank a lot. What a ridiculous life. Now I have no memory to remember and enjoy.

I read Hitoshi Nagai's "Summer holidays of Shota and the cat Insight". A really, truly profound one. About how different the real and dream would be, the fact that I'm here, communication, how death is... every problem in this book is the heritages from ancient and traditional philosophy, and the author tries to tell us the greatness of these problems directly to children, the true readers. If I met this book in my teenage days, I would think about learning philosophy seriously at a university. But now is not late for me I believe. I want to think about the problems I have had since my childhood, not trying to copy Nagai's theories (although copying someone's idea would be a good lesson). By the way, how thrilling this book's conversations are!

2023/01/22 BGM: フィッシュマンズ - いかれたBaby

今日は休みだった。朝、イオンに行きいつものようにいろいろ考え事をする。1つ思い出したことがあった。断酒会に通い始めた時、参加者の方から「最初に会った時は目が死んでたよ」と言われたことだ。それはもっともなことで、断酒し始めの頃は会の意義もわからずまだ酒に未練があった。そして同時にその酒を断ち、自分なりに新しい生き方を探さなければならなかった。つまり酒という生き甲斐を失ったばかりだったのだから、生きる意欲というものがまったく湧いてもいなかったということになる。夏目漱石ではないが、あの頃の私は「迷える羊」だった。だが、断酒会の先輩の背中を信じて前に進むことにしたのだった……そして今、確かな生き甲斐を感じて生きていられる。それも人生。

今日は5度目のワクチン接種（ファイザー。ちなみに指定したわけではないが5度ともファイザーである）を済ませるべく、山崎スポーツセンターに行った。私は車を運転できないので会場までバスに乗って赴くことになった。時間通りに運行されたバスに乗ってスムーズに行くことができ、そこで接種を無事終えることができた。このスムーズさは現場で働いておられる方々のおかげだ。エッセンシャルワーカーの方々や市役所の方々（断酒会絡みで顔見知りの方もおられた）に感謝する。そして帰ってきて、イオンで昼食を買う。明日も休みをもらっているのでゆっくりしたい。

ふと、もしこの日記をかつての私のような酒を止められない人、あるいは人生において深刻に困っている人が読んでいたら、と思ってしまった。そんな人に向けられる言葉を私は持たない。その人たちの人生はその人たちのものであり、私が無責任にアドバイスをするわけにもいかない。私は「酒を呑むな」とは言いたくない。適度に呑める人、そして健康を損なっても構わない人は自己責任の範囲で呑んだらいいとも思う。ただ、私は酒で自分の人生をスクラップにしてしまった。その悔いから、せめてこれからは自分の人生を能動的に、かつ幸せに生きたいと思っている。20代と30代、人生において「種まき」をするべき時期を私はただただ飲酒でつぶし、結局今になって思い返してみてもぜんぜん楽しい記憶なんてない、そんなアホみたいな人生を送ったのだ……。

永井均『翔太と猫のインサイトの夏休み』を読む。実に深い本だと唸った。夢と現実の違い、自分がここにいるということ、コミュニケーション、死とは何か……どれも古（いにしえ）の哲学の問題を受け継ぐものであり、その深みをそのまま読者である子どもたちに伝えんと奮闘しているのが伺える。私も高校時代にこの本と出会っていたら、もしかしたら本腰を入れて哲学を学びたいと思ったかもしれない。でも、今からでも遅くはないと信じたい。永井均の猿真似をするのではなく（学ぶための猿真似の意義を否定するわけではないが）、自分が子どもの頃からしつこく考えていることを自分で納得のいくように考えることを大事にしたい。それにしても、この本で語られる「対話」のスリリングなこと！

2023/01/21 English

BGM: くるり - World's End Supernova

Although I always do this... I was in a nightmare when I was a student. I couldn't make a friend there. I even was treated as a mad person so gave up everything. I stayed alone and read books, or enjoy music. Just live as a zombie. A Japanese famous singer Yutaka Ozaki sings protest songs. In them, an outsider in a classroom resists mass education and tries to find freedom. Of course, it is a great point of view. But, as a student, I felt depressed because of the "peer pressure" on students who were certainly controlled by schools. Students controlled by schools are the ones who control weak students.

The attitude that declares "We are controlled!" accuses schools' lies of mass education. I guess that it would be the one which "we are controlled and repressed by them 'therefore' we are correct". Judging that we are repressed would lead to the attitude of sharpening our activities, and the attitude of believing we are correct would be to blindness... I often see that kind of blindness on Twitter. Yes, it is because I'm mad and that might be all. But I couldn't have any sympathy for Yutaka Ozaki because of being naive with that blindness. Indeed, his voice and talent for lyrics are really charismatic. But I can't be into him.

I've been a passive person because of autism. Or I have lived with other people's comments which say to me "You are wrong", "You are crazy", and "Your way of living and thinking would never be alright" (yes, teachers and classmates always said to me "Your smartness is just treated great in schools only"). So I have needed a long time to have confidence in my thoughts. I also needed time to keep my mind open to other people's critical comments. This is really paradoxical so I had to face various troubles. TBH I am still weak so I would be hurt if someone says I have a mistake. It would be harmful to me. I have to accept that. But I feel it is better than in the past days.

I remember the story "The Ugly Ducking". In the society of the ducks, the main character has been said as "ugly". He thought that he must be an ugly duck, but finally find he is a beautiful swan (we should be careful that he is basically a swan, so he shouldn't try to be other birds). I am also the person who has been blamed as "ugly" because our society is conservative countryside and full of neurotypical people. I even thought that I never had the right or license of living my life. I just believed that I had to live as a madman, an ill person... Now I can find myself in various societies in English (several communities on the net) as being loved. I have many friends... then what "strange" can be? what is weird, or autism itself? It would be the final question. Is it bad of being oneself?

2023/01/21 BGM: くるり - World's End Supernova

いつも書いていることだけれど、学生時代はずっと悪夢のような日々を過ごしていた。学校では友だちなんて誰一人できず、それどころかずっと変人扱いされて暮らしていたので、私も諦めて独りぼっちで本を読むか音楽を聞くかして死んだように生きていたのだった。尾崎豊が歌うプロテスト・ソングでは教室の中のアウトローが管理教育に盾付き自由を渇望する。もちろんそれは大事な視点だと思う。だが、私はむしろ管理されている側の生徒たち自身が生み出す同調圧力自体に息苦しいものを感じていた。管理される生徒たち自体が新たな管理を生み出す。「弱い者たちが夕暮れ／さらに弱い者をたたく」（ブルーハーツ）。

尾崎豊的な「自分たちは管理されている！」と学校の欺瞞を告発する態度は、下手をすれば「管理されている自分たち、圧し潰されそうになっている自分たちは『それゆえに』正しい」とならないだろうか、と思う。主観的に見て弾圧されていると判断することで自分たちの活動を先鋭化させ、自らを正しいと確信する姿勢が盲目的になる……Twitterでもそうした盲信をよく見かける。単に私がアマノジャクだからと言うことで片がつく話だとも思うが、十代の頃からそんな盲信が気になってしまって尾崎豊にはハマれなかったことを思い出す。彼の声や詩才は文句のつけようのないカリスマ的なものだと思うがゆえに、そこが気になってしまったのだった。

そんなことが気になって生きていた私は発達障害の影響ゆえの受動性もあり、あるいはずっと「お前の考え方は間違っている」「お前は異常だ」「お前のような生き方や考え方では大人になっては通用しない」と言い続けられて育ってきたこともあって（クラスメイトや教師からずっと「成績だけよくても何にもならない」と言われてきたのだった）、自分の考え方に自信を持ち、なおかつその自信ゆえに他人からの批判に寛容になるというパラドキシカルな態度を体得するまでにずいぶん時間がかかった。いや、私は幼いので未だに自分の間違いを指摘されると傷つきもするし期限を損ねもする。それは認めなければならない。だが、それでも過去よりはマシになったとは思う。

「みにくいアヒルの子」という童話を思い出す。アヒルの社会においてずっと「みにくい」と言い続けられてきたアヒルが、実は白鳥だったという話だ（あの話のキモは、白鳥は生まれながらにして白鳥だったのであったということ、つまり「ありのままでいい」ということだと思う）。私も、定型発達者ばかりのど田舎の社会でずっと「みにくい」と言われて生きてきたので、自分に生きる資格や権利などないのだと思い、一生精神異常者として生きるしかないのだとも思い込んだこともあった……今、英語を使って築いた社会の中で（インターネット上のさまざまなコミュニティで）私は愛されていると確かに感じる。それを思うとつくづく「変」とは何だろう、「異常」あるいは「発達障害」とは何だろうと思ってしまう。それは突き詰めて言えば、「ぼくがぼくであること」が悪いことなのか、ということでもあるのだと思う。

2023/01/20 English

BGM: Primal Scream - Don't Fight It, Feel It

Today I worked late. This morning I went to the library and borrowed Kenichiro Mogi's "A Life and Contingency". I read it and felt impressed deeply. I am here as this person. It is a clear fact. But I could be anybody else by chance. If I were born in Tokyo, or if I didn't go to Waseda. Looking at things from those kinds of "if" points, I feel that the reason why I am this is because of various chances or coincidences. A lot of coincidences... Mogi calls that a contingency. It is a keen opinion. I could be anyone else...

Looking back at my life, I can see some events have determined my life. I have lived this life brown by these events. I met Haruki Murakami's novel because a classmate next to me read it. I went to Waseda because my elder brother recommended it. After that, I spent half of a year as a NEET, and my doctor recommended me back to society so I started my work at my current company... If one of these events were different, that difference would change my life drastically. Life is really unseen. What would work as happiness or unhappiness? Totally enigmatic.

Recently I often hear the word "parent lottery". We can understand this word from the point of "contingency". Why did those parents bear me? Why could I not be born from different parents? Of course, these are just selfish opinions of naughty children. But in my case, I couldn't understand why my parents lived in the countryside. I also certainly wanted to blame them because of my autism. I have to accept that once I couldn't live with that contingency. But this world is just uncertain because of contingency so I have to survive that chaotic world.

Mogi writes that to dutiful my subjective point of view leads to being universal. For example, I read a book and felt sympathy. That emotion is just in me (from Mogi's viewpoint, I have a kind of qualia in my brain). But if I try to dig that impression and write about it like this and send it to someone else, then my personal impression can be delivered to someone else. Then, it becomes a universal thing and becomes a common thing. My action of writing this diary is just to spread my personal life. Yes, it is just like graffiti. But it would grip someone's mind. That is just a miracle... I learned it from this book.