Even though I can't tell its details, now I am possessed by an emotion of anger, and it ALMOST has driven me so crazy, because of the personal issues about my work. Today, I worked early. At lunchtime, I remembered my past period, especially the most terrible one when I was working at the previous section in 2011. At that time, even though I confessed the fact that I was autistic and even tried to show my doctor's comments on a paper, the boss rejected that. And finally, I decided to give up everything (yes, literally EVERYTHING this life offers) and... had done a silly trial to end my life.
I sent some messages to my ex-job coach, who answered me so soon. She taught me an interesting article that said how I can check the relationship between my co-workers. Neither trying to change (or improve) myself to fit the outer environment, nor trying to make/control others to change to the proper state, I should only focus on the relationship... In my acceptance, it could mean that if I get angry with my co-workers, I should try to carefully check out what is happening in my mind. It sounded very great, however, I have to be sorry because even though I can accept that, I still feel unfair about this issue.
Or... even though I know that ex-job coach is ALWAYS standing by my side, now it seems my emotion (my childish personality) can never accept that kind of super-correct opinion. Therefore, during my work, I kept cursing various things. Oh my! And I even tried to "kill" my emotions well to keep my mind calm enough trying not to say "F--k you, bastard".
After today's work, I had dinner and took a deep rest. Although I had wanted to write a draft for the presentation, I could do nothing completely... Should I have caused any violence at my workplace to show how I was angry toward them? I could have said nothing about that issue, but it has said that I must be just a "sissy" coward (sorry for using such a controversial word!), and never be a mature guy who finally saved my anger in my company, in a public state?
Once, I wished how I could truly/literally throw away this very troublesome essence, emotion in me because even now I accept I am just a crybaby who can't manage myself. I have decided to talk about this to the admins of my group home.
