As I have written in these journals (probably, every day), I have lived this life with various traumatic memories... This morning, before working time suddenly I thought this. Should I keep on staring at them and writing? Or should I try to "overcome" them by doing any actual trials and errors? (TBH, I even thought if I should ask someone I like to enjoy lunchtime together as a trial of dating - or, hunting a girl).
Writing as this... I doubt if I can change my mind because I can't have any certain touch of possibility that could have changed my mind well. But this can come from the clear fact that I have always been with this person every day and moment. How do you think about this problem? Indeed, when I started learning English and expressing myself in it, I couldn't express my ideas even in Japanese. So, from the macro, a higher viewpoint this personality can have been changed.
One thing I can't change... or I shouldn't change is the fact that I am autistic. When I had been diagnosed as that, and also started learning about that (as a trial of learning from my curiosity I tried to read Steve Silberman's very, very thick book "Neurotribes"), I thought that I would live this life as a kind of crazy dude, an outsider who must be separated from any normal people, any majority.
You would laugh at this silly idea. Of course, I would do so now... But that's because now is 2024 and not the 90s and 2000s when the age of neurodiversity wasn't here. At that era (I had been diagnosed as that in 2003, at the age of 33), I had to experience an almost endless series of struggles because I couldn't find any good manuals for us, even though there were already some good materials by Temple Grandin and other autistic people (this is the meaning of the countryside, rural area life!).
This evening, after today's work I attended an online meeting on Zoom. There, a host shared with the members various replicas in this city which have come from diverse world heritages. Those taught me that this country, this town has been influenced by the outer world. Sometimes my mind can become an exclusive, very narrow one. But I need to open my mind's windows to let the air come in.
