This morning, I had to face a serious depressive mood at AEON (yes, this autistic brain sucks!) so I tried to write down about it exactly on my memo pad. I wanted to let it out almost completely... and found that I could clearly see what I had to face. Although this must sound too abstract, at that moment, I thought that now my issues became "objects", or "crystals" clearly, and that made me calm and comfortable. As some life hackers tell us, writing makes us positive.
What had I done actually when I tried to "quit" this kind of "looping" thinking about my issues endlessly? I remember this... I find that I had to use the ultimately destructive item of alcohol to "quit" anything in my mind to escape even from this real world, even though it must have been just an instant, temporary way of escaping therefore never any definite way of solution. Oh my gosh!
After that, I found an interesting quote by a French author, Jean Genet on my smartphone. It started with this line "Beauty has no other origin than the singular wound"... and I was impressed by that (to be fair, even now I can't understand any "singular" French therefore I read the English version). I tried to translate this from English to Japanese, reflecting on my own "inner wound" which could have taught me various important lessons (I have two books by Genet, but never read them yet...). After that, I went to the bookstore at AEON and found one of my favorite authors, Brady Mikako's latest book so I bought that.
This evening, I attended a Zoom meeting with my friends. I gave a presentation about how I had learned my method of communication during this life to them, and after that, we enjoyed talking about that. When I was a teenager, I had already been a kind of "freak" or "creep" among students therefore I pretended to be an "object" like a teddy bear who just read books in a classroom. But that was just an old story, and this time the participants asked me a lot about the presentation so I enjoyed telling them about my history, and also how the bookshelves in my room can be. Thank you so much.
"Beauty has no other origin than the singular wound, different in every case, hidden or visible, which each man bears within himself, which he preserves, and into which he withdraws when he would quit the world for a temporary but authentic solitude" - Jean Genet
