It seems I often write weird things on various occasions such as these journals. For example, even though I read plenty of books, I don't believe that reading books can enrich our minds (at least, I have never thought my mind should have been enriched by them, instead now I wish I could have experienced any REAL romantic moment with my friends). Or, about quitting alcohol I never trust my will's power to keep on quitting, and also as a policy of mine, I don't believe in my dream (I only live my life steadily without any dream, but just stare at my condition day by day).
This morning, I had a question during my work. Which is about how I could describe my autism. Is it a sort of illness, or a kind of handicap? In Japanese, autism has been often expressed as "発達障害 [development disorder]", and since then I have used this term naturally without any serious consideration. But, for me now the phenomenon of autism can mean a kind of "funny" or even "funky" disorder for me to get through this strange life. Certainly, now I accept this disorder which has a funny taste such as Aphex Twin's music.
You would get mad about this opinion. Yes... I would get so when I was 10 years younger. However, stay calm and read my opinion through the end. Now I accept my autism as a piece of my character/identity, but it's possible because now I have found that in my mind there can be a will that lets me think as this. Once, I had thought my existence (the fact of my being in this world) must have been wrong therefore I thought this autism should have been an illness, therefore it must have been FIXED by any method. But now, I want to see this phenomenon as the thing that can produce troubles between the outer world and me, therefore it can mean a "handicap" for me. Just like handicaps with physical things (eyes, ears, and anything else).
But, this kind of reliance (or courage to show you my ignorance) could have been made from you literally, because every day, every time, by through writing these journals and also attending various meetings this positive, even foolish idea has come into my mind (yes, I choose to be described foolish better than wise enough to become too cool/ironic... this can be also a paradoxical/weird piece of opinions in me).
