BGM: RHYMESTER - 東京、東京
This evening I felt bad at my work. Probably I had took bottles of coffee too much. I even thought that "I am tired" and "I can't work anymore today", but I couldn't find how I should say that to my boss (but, can you say "I feel bad because of coffee, so I want to go back to my home" to your boss?). Therefore I did my work as much as I could... I am never a strong person. I had struggled with the wish of death, so even now I feel that "I give up everything" (and I have to confess... once I tried to give up everything of my life). But from my work/duty, I have been learning the spirit of "doing what I can do" and "doing what I should do". Don't let your motivation rule yourself. Just do what you should do. At the given place, at the given opportunities, you do the work you have given to you. Then, that work would move you upper. Motivation will follow you if you start your work... it comes from inside yourself. It seems coffee went out of myself. I felt good at the end of the work... I praise myself like this as usual.
On Thursdays, I enjoy the meeting with my friends from the International Association in my city. And my turn of that is coming. Since now, I have talked various topics. About autism, alcohol addiction, Haruki Murakami, Aphorism/my favorite quotes, and Bruce Springsteen's song "Born In The USA"... and now I can find nothing to talk, but I also started thinking that I want to talk about a memoir of Tokyo in my life. When I was a teenager, I enjoyed listening to Shibuya-Kei city pop and reading a Japanese popular magazine "Quick Japan". I adored Tokyo life exactly... and I entered Waseda by chance. So I could enjoy Tokyo life actually... But at that time I had never known about autism I have, so it was never be a rose. I couldn't find any girlfriend, and part-time job neither. It was really depressive days full of inertia. I remember those days with RHYMESTER's music (recently I am looking back those days like this).
One of the reasons why I couldn't get into that Tokyo life straightly was because I had been haunted by a certain deep inferiority complex. "I am just an uncool, lame person" and "I am out of mode"... Yes, once I was only a nerd and creep. So at the society/community in a classroom in schools, I pretended to be a zombie. I just read books at that time, and had never enjoyed any cheerful activities. Now is a good time (as I am always writing). You can find various people who have the same tastes as you casually. When I was a high school student, there was no person who enjoyed Haruki Murakami and Flipper's Guitar as me. So I tried to improve/develop my senses of music and literature lonelily (What a snob!). Ah, the age changes actually. The society and world are also changing. And our points of view is also changing... Energy flows.
At that meeting on Thursdays, another person suggested this topic as her presentation. "What would be the things which had changed 360 degrees after corona? (Oh, what a great humor sense... because '360 degrees'). Ah, at last corona has ended. Now I have got used to use ZOOM to have various online meetings. Besides that, I started using English memo at the beginning of the corona. I also started this journal during corona (in Japanese and English)... If I could find any common things within these facts, then it would mean my trials and errors to find new communication in Japanese/English. Because I couldn't find people who could enjoy talking with me with satisfied minds in real life. I started building my server on Discord, and it can be related with this corona. Yes, my life has changed by corona. "360 degrees"... completely.