BGM: The Smiths - The Queen is Dead
Today was a day off. This morning I started using ZOOM to attend the online meeting about autism. This is monthly meeting I have attended for over 7 years. I got surprised at its length... I remember this. About seven years ago, I had been offered as "we will held a meeting about autism. I hope you enjoy it". It had been a great chance we started our history. I just had thought "I want to talk about the problems I am having at my workplace, and also the issues I have had since my childhood". Yes, it is a light motivation therefore I never imagined that I would start using the system of job coaches or change the system of welfare this city have through the meeting (indeed, I changed the system "lightly" and that's all, but that's enough). And... not only the outside of me as various systems, but I changed my inner world itself. Through the meeting I have grown myself up until now. Through connection, I started having interest in learning English. I have enriched the skill of my English and the connection I have had steadily. Life is mysterious. I am grateful for my luck and happiness.
Through today's meeting, I have learned various honest and serious issued the members confessed. How can we build the ideal relationship with our lovers and families? Members said their opinions each other as "making rules is important" and "not needing too much". Me, when I had lived in my parents' house, I had been suffered from terrible relationship therefore became a heavy drinker. I had had a rotten mind and spent the days like hell. Although we had been under the same roof, we didn't talk each other... and I started living in my group home and being separated from my parents. Now we have a good relationship, being not too close or not too far. Probably it is because I quit alcohol too. Indeed, we might need more intimate connection because our partners are precious, but I guess sometimes we have to "let them free" from ourselves relying on their decisions.
This afternoon I went to the temple. Although I had no purpose, I wanted to change my mood. At there, I read Ludwig Wittgenstein's "The Blue Book". I can remember this. The meeting about autism I wrote above had started me thinking various things in a philosophical way. A precious friend I am thinking as "a teacher" or "a master" had said to me as "your opinions or ideas are really profound", and that comment made me think as "I might be good at doing some philosophy". From "The Blue Book", I thought I had got the mystery of communication I have. My sense and words can be delivered to others. That must be an enigma. Through his thoughts, Wittgenstein tries to touch the diversity this world have I guess. A lot of "ideas", "points of view", "senses" are there. I should be surprised at that fact, and learn that this world's existence itself as a miracle. That's what Wittgenstein might tell me. I accepted it.
This evening I heard that Andrew Rourke, known as the Smiths' bassist, had passed away. He was just 59. I will be 48 this year... I got a certain shock by it, and enjoyed his playing with The Smiths' "Hatful of Hollow" and "The Queen is Dead". This news made me set a fire to my soul. What can I have achieved in my life? Nothing... I remember my 20s and 30s. They were a real days of anger. There were two emotions/wills. The one is "I must be bigger", "I never end my life at this barren place". And the another is "I want to die", "it was a mistake to be born". I can remember that they certainly sang in their songs that kind of ambivalent emotion. I respect them because they expressed that ambivalence with their beautiful tunes and playing. Rest in peace.
