BGM: Julia Fordham - Happy Ever After
I wrote that I had started reading Yoshikichi Furui's "Asagao" yesterday. Today I went to the library and borrowed that Yoshikichi Furui's two books. I recently had not read his books, and now I am thinking I want to enjoy his profound world again. Although I had read "Asagao" a little already, I tried to read one of those books "Days of Soul", and found it brilliant, and I decided to that "Days of Soul" at first because "Asagao" is quite a long novel. It is about the days Furui had stayed in the hospital and made me feel interested although I have never stayed in any hospital, at least recently. Referring Souseki Natsume's "Inside My Glass Doors" attract my interest, and I thought that Souseki is an important author for Furui, too. Me, I am always feeling that I have to read Souseki's works completely, but I have never read his later works as "Koujin" and "Meian". I want to avoid my life would end without reading them and only struggling with daily worries.
When? Or How did I meet Yoshikichi Furui's writing for the first time? I can't remember anything, but when I read his "Youko" which brought him a great award for literature in Japan, I actually felt vertigo physically and got surprised I remember. His description was such a crisp thing and I felt a certain power of writing to grip me into his novel's world. After that, I started reading his "Karioujyou Denshibun" which is still praised as a masterpiece in Japanese literature, and have read it about ten times but I still even can't enjoy any part of its greatness. Of course, we don't need to read a lot to understand any books. But I am basically a dumb reader so need to read a lot to understand any book and soak them into my body fully. I can remember that I tried to understand various books of an enigma in my life. Haruki Murakami's "Norwegian Wood", Fernando Pessoa's "The Book of Disquiet", and Paul Auster's "Moon Palace" etc.
Thinking that why Yoshikichi Furui's works attract me, I found the answer that it is because I am certainly feeling a midlife crisis actually. Coming to this age, I am getting to understand how large things I can do in this life step by step. I can't make any lies to myself. As I am writing in this diary, I once even dreamed my novel would become so popular that it would even become anime or a movie. Yes, a revolution. I even dream that who would be the proper person to work as making music for my masterpiece. Yes, it was ridiculous. But then, why I could be awake from that daydream or delusion (even if I am still in my dream somewhere in my mind)? Why can I find a certain meaning in my work, and also why can I start finding comfort in my relationship with friends and accepting the fact that I am autistic? It was a long time since I needed to give up on myself, and also have self-esteem. I don't need to hurry up, and just have to quit alcohol just for today. By doing ordinary things in ordinary ways, I want to live my given life steadily.
This evening we did an online meeting on ZOOM, whose topic was stargazing. The host uses his smartphone and accesses the online astronomical telescope to show various pictures of constellations. Thinking that every star would live a really long time beyond our given life, I noticed that I am living in a really tiny or narrow sense of time. Watching those constellations made me forget passing time, and even forget the real world's troubles and feel something sublime. I am glad to enjoy that grateful time. I will talk about something at this meeting in the near future, but what can I do as a good presentation? I can't see. How about talking about the clue about learning English I got by myself? About the fact have been learning it on Discord, etc.