BGM: Massive Attack - Be Thankful For What You've Got
Today was a day off. This morning I went to the library and borrowed Kunio Suzuki's book. It reminds me of my teenage days... when I was a high school student, I was into ultra-leftism. As I always write, I was bullied heavily to empower my aggressiveness. But I didn't study leftism so much. I just got crazy about Yoshinori Kobayashi's cartoon and pretended to be a patriot. A patriot with left... in short, I was an idiot. I still feel ashamed about that, and it brings us the lesson that "enduring loneliness too much would affect you a lot".
And I went to Waseda (for a really enigmatic reason) and suffered from a serious identity crisis. I saved and built myself with hate for the outside, so my belief was "everyone is my enemy". But entering Waseda I found that everyone from all of Japan (some were even from foreign lands) is just an ordinary person. They treated me naturally so I had to throw the belief "everyone is my enemy" away. Then, I had to face that I had never learned how to see other people. How could I open my mind and show my kindness to others? I couldn't do such an easy action, so I just had to face I could even no greeting to them. I couldn't make friends at all.
It was really dangerous I guess. I would become a "net-uyoku (almost the same meaning as "alt-right")" if the time was different. I could believe something passionately, and it would make me hate everyone. Literally, everyone could be my enemy and just I would live alone... this idea was from the book "My father became "net-uyoku"" I found at the library (of course, I want to read). In a conclusion, I have not become "net uyoku". I just became an adult with incomplete leftism. I would become like a criminal who caused the Akihabara massacre or who killed Shinzo Abe in the street. I strictly believe so. I would do something fatal I guess.
At last, I went back to my home town. I started thinking that I could write a novel. It would attract everyone's interest, so my life could make a kind of grand slam, therefore, I would be a millionaire (oh no, I find that I was really crazy!). But in fact, I couldn't write anything and was soaked in alcohol. It was life with embarrassing events like Osamu Dazai's novels. Now I belong to the "danshu" meeting and also other groups and have many friends so I caught certain happiness. Through the meetings with those friends, I accepted myself totally and could throw away my childish wishes and beliefs like "I am almighty", "I have talent", and "I am a genius (just this world won't accept it)"... I think that I am a lucky person. A really lucky person.