2022/12/20 BGM: Tavito Nanao "エンゼルコール"
At last, I received the extra money, the so-called "bonus" from the company. I checked how much it is, and try to imagine how much it could be if I had worked at a different company for over 20 years. It is more than other people who had worked like me? less? ...if I had chosen another company to work, for and had worked by now? I cared about that. The members at the meeting yesterday showed an interest in my career. Indeed, I go my way. It's a certain thing, but the idea I said might have value to think about.
Always I return to this conclusion if I think about this issue. That's the fact that I am the person who chose this life so I never want to blame someone else. If I got bothersome this situation, then I could change my job. At least, I could try it. I could say goodbye to my friends and start my lonely life... I don't want to do so. It doesn't concern how much my income could be, but I am really feeling thankful for various things so I never want to lose them. They are precious friends, the job which suits me exactly, and my group home which always eases me. They are great treasures to me so I don't want to lose them. I want to grow up with them, so I choose this way. Yes, walk this way...
I exchanged some messages with a friend I always trust on LINE. The topic reached the issue I wrote about above, and I had to reflect on the meaning I am here, or the reason I am here. She gave me a really great message. Ah, I had been treated as a creepy person. Yes, I had been treated as a fool. Now I can feel that various people admit me. Yes, they are precious so I can't show misery myself. I worked today as usual, and after that, I went to the library and borrowed Yoko Tawada's diary. I want to read it again to get something. If I finish that, then I want to read Mayumi Mori.
The server I belong to of Discord starts having various book clubs to discuss books. I made a group talk about Souseki Natsume's essay. Souseki had passed away at the end of his 40s, almost the same age as current me. I would live my 50s as an ordinary person, without understanding the stage of "lose myself and follow the outside" Souseki reached. I will live more than the age of Souseki and Fernando Pessoa... being born in this world and staying alive might be a miracle. I feel slightly embarrassed because I couldn't read Souseki's books completely, so I might start reading Souseki's "I am a cat" again. After that, I might read "Meian". Learning a lot from Souseki is the idea now I have.
