3 am is the time Scott Fitzgerald used to describe "a real dark night of the soul". In other words, it must be the darkest time we might feel or treat. A person like me who lives easily can think that I don't want to wake up at that time. But sometimes I wake up at 3 am. I wake up and don't feel the sleepy mood enough and, of course, I have no friends to talk to so can't see what to do. Then, I read books. Today I read Toshiyuki Horie's "The night which isn't the ground floor and the second floor".
When I read books, I listen to music. I listen to music on Spotify by using headphones that contain Bluetooth. Today I listened to Mogwai's "Come On Die Young". This album is the one once a lot of listeners considered as one of the masterpieces of post-rock. The boom of post-rock was gone but this one still knocks my soft parts of the mind. Hard band sound and mellow melody. They are dry and hard. it's dark but also heals my mind.
Toshiyuki Horie ends one of the essays of "The night which isn't the ground floor and the second floor" like that. "The work of delivering our mind to others must be complicated, soft, and need our time. The tenderness with hot tension. That machine of exchanging our mind must keep our words alive". This essay tells us the importance of respecting other people. Am I facing others with such tension or tenderness? I feel embarrassed. I always run away from the relationship that makes some stress in my mind. I might tend to run away from everything.
But my sickness might be more complicated. I might feel the relationship that even gives me joy or love is the one that delivers me "tension". Because every relationship can not be controlled by myself alone. Hyakken Uchida said that "Pleasant is people coming to me in the world, but it doesn't mean you". I can understand this feeling. Maybe the person who can laugh at this poem can be a friend of mine. Meanwhile, I might be a noisy person for someone else...